You Are

Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. I have been wondering to myself lately what that really means. The first thought was you are concentrating your focus on just one thing, a tree; so you can't see the whole picture, the forest. That lead me to any number of inquiries like; what if you are looking at a bunch of trees? What determines the borders of any particular forest? How many trees actually make up a forest? Are there forests in heaven that provide oxygen for God? Ok now my stream of consciousness is digressing so I'll get to my point. My point is I have no regrets. There's no point. It took me a long time to get here; allow me to explain if I possibly can.

My journey and what I believed to be my most embarrassing moment was actually a bunch of moments, kind of like those trees. I lost my dream job that I had been doing for different major entertainment giants for twenty-five years. I got laid off four months after getting married and about a year after losing my mother to cancer. The reason they gave was non-existent. My layoff was performed via phone instead of in person. They called me two hours after I left work and stated that I need not come in anymore because I was unfortunately being laid off. That was it; no goodbyes for my co-workers, nothing. Done. Over. I was dealing with all kinds of different emotions. My marriage was the high point, losing my mom was the low point. I had lost my father to cancer also twenty-two years before that so I knew a bit about loss, but I was about to learn a lot more.

While I was looking for a new path applying hundreds of places my wife's sister and mother both died unexpectedly in the next year and all I could find workwise paid a third of what I used to make and it was demanding manual labor. I had lost my identity and was spiraling and thought someone surely will hire me with my amazing background and experience. Three years passed, and tired from working these demanding minimum wage jobs, I had to move to another state and realized no one was going to save me but me. With a new start in another state things would surely get better. The only job offer I received was working in a prison as a correction staff in the pods with the inmates. I did the training and the third day on the job I was assaulted and had to have facial surgery. My surgery was scheduled and the only day available was October 10th, which is, of course on my birthday. After five weeks of recovery I had to go back to the prison as other options were not showing themselves. Working twelve hour shifts in a non-ideal environment with a mask on is far from my dream job, but I'm never giving up. I am reading, learning, meditating, loving and forgiving everyday while I imagine my brilliant future. I will win and the tree that I am focusing on is the tree of gratitude. I am imagining myself in my own forest, each tree a memory, each tree neither good or bad, just all grown by me and me alone. I will visit my mom's tree and my dad's tree often for sure with a broad smile across my face. I know they are firmly planted right next to each other probably even sharing the same root system. Sorry for the side note but I think of my parents everyday. Taking one hundred percent responsibility for each tree in my forest has set me free of expectation and judgement from others and more importantly from myself. My faith and belief in self and who I am becoming will lead me from that tree of gratitude to the forest of forgiveness; and I will shed all shame and worry like old bark. Have faith in the forest you created. If I truly embrace that tree without judgement, I believe that the forest will not only show itself, it will lead me on my true path out of the woods and into my eternal sunlight with my loving wife. Eternally grateful to my family, eternally in love with my wife. Salvation lies in self.... in your imagination.

Zero regrets.