Whole-hearted Living

The beginning of spring; when flowers begin to bloom, songs of animals echo around the surrounding nature, and a gentle breeze can be felt as it caresses the skin. Birth. Life. Renewal. These are a few terms that are often associated with spring, and in turn dictate a large course of our planet's cyclical balance.

Perhaps that is why spring exists after winter, and not fall. Depending on where you live in the world, autumn can still be temperate, beautiful, and colourful even. It isn't until the leaves are stripped away, the winter winds howl, and the barren environment of the cold moves in that one may realize what was lost. What we had. Did we truly appreciate it, or did we take the season for granted? We as humans gain such a greater appreciation for the beauty that comes with warmth and life, and that after enduring the cold and pain of winter, does true appreciation blossom.

You see, 2020 was a what I considered to be 'my year'. I had recently adopted a puppy at the start of January, had taken my girlfriend to see my home state (California girl right here), and spent two months living with her strengthening our relationship due to the global pandemic. Then at the end of May, I flew to Iceland for my second season of professional soccer, and excelled both on and off the field. At the end of July I thought to myself, my goodness, despite the tragedy in this world, 2020 has been wonderful for me.

And then everything fell apart.

I suppose that's how the universe works though, eh? When we as are excelling in our lives, our careers, and our relationships, the universe comes around to humble and remind us that we ARE in fact still human.

August came around and my girlfriend broke up with me from 3,000 miles away, I sustained a career ending concussion from soccer, and at the time was quite miserable in regards to my living situations, as well as dealing with a lot of the political and social stressors back home in the United States. So in the span of one month, I went from being on top of the world to second guessing my purpose. Questioning my life, its worth, and ultimately its purpose.

It wasn't until I made it back to the United States (and mind you I still live with my now ex-girlfriend) that I had to figure out my life. I went from having the next five years of my life planned out with my future wife, and was ready to begin taking the steps needed towards my career as a firefighter/paramedic in California. When that wasn't the case, and the fact that I wasn't going back to California anytime soon, I had to come up with a plan two. Spoiler alert, I am great at impromptu.

Thus to quiet my mind, I began reading. I plowed through book after book to help ease my grief, and to try and simply survive through this exhausting and painful period of my life. While in Iceland, I was completely isolated from friends and family. Due to my concussion that lasted for many months, I was unable to exercise or practice at my fullest potential due to recurring signs and symptoms. Like any person, I overthought the last two years of my relationship, and naturally psychoanalyzed everything; what I did wrong, how I wasn't enough. Perhaps even how I was too much.

When I looked to other sources for advice, for answers, and simply for help, I dove headfirst into many books that simply not only analyze life, but allow for a greater appreciation for it as well. That is where I looked to literature to help ease my mind. Two authors that truly made an impact on how I approached this year were that of Mitch Album and Brené Brown. Little did I know that their words would dractically change how i approached this year.

To start off 2021, these are the qualities and practices I will be applying to my own life. Though I haven't exceled in any of these (yet), I approach everyday analyzing how I can do better by utilizing these concepts.

Forgiveness

The first author that offered solace to was that of Mitch Albom and his novel, the five people you meet in heaven. He writes about this fascinating concept that what if after death, each of us meet five people in the afterlife that were a huge part of our lives; perhaps people we knew in life, or people we didn't, but their inventions or decisions impacted our lives greatly in our time. Ultimately though, there are some aspects of our lives that require forgiveness. Ranging from forgiving another person and how they hurt you, or even forgiving yourself over something, in the end, forgiveness is forgiveness.

For myself in this situation, I am still trying to forgive. Forgive the woman who hurt me, forgive myself for how I handled everything and the pain I was in, and as well as forgive others who were involved and did more harm than help. Some days I feel as though I have found my inner peace, and on others it's as if the wound is still open. I suppose that's why time is so important in regards to forgiveness though. Some things can only heal, or gain clarity after enough time has passed.

Acceptance

The second book of his that radicalized my current perspective was that of tuesdays with Morrie . This time, the novel followed a personal perspective from the author himself, and the relationship he had with one of his former professors at university. The only catch- he was terminally ill with a disease that would lead to a very slow death.

For me, acceptance was needed in two separate areas of my life: accepting that my soccer career was ultimately over, and also that my relationship was as well. I will admit, accepting these two brutal truths was a difficult reality to face, but became easier over time. I left Iceland with a heavy heart and in pain. I never wanted to return, and felt as if I came back to the US and completely stepped away from international soccer, perhaps my relationship would be saved. But boy, was I wrong.

I didn't simply have to accept that two huge parts of my life were over, but that they ended on terms I was quite unhappy with. Everyone wants to end on a good note, whether in success or in closure. I had success in soccer, but resented it to the degree in which I cared not about my achievements on the field. Initially it was the distance that destroyed my relationship, so as I result I resented the distance that soccer created between my girlfriend and I. Looking back, it's a bit idiotic really. Yet at the time, it was all I could think about. I suppose now I am learning to separate things in my life. For example, despite all the pain that occurred while in Iceland, I have let go of the resentment I harbored for the country because of my negative experiences while there. Feel, understand, and learn from the past.

Vulnerability

Growing up as a student athlete who was a bit of a perfectionist, vulnerability was not a tangible nor accepting quality. To be vulnerable was to be weak, and to be weak was to be imperfect. Often in sports and academics, perfection is what defines a great student or athlete from a good one. So whether it was in the classroom or on the pitch, I strove to be the best at everything I did. In doing so though, I allowed myself to become rigid and rather closed off to people. I had an image I was to uphold, and anything less than that was not good enough.

Yet I suppose it was being involved in a beautiful relationship where I began to allow vulnerability into my life. By allowing someone to know me, truly all of me, was the scariest thig I had ever done quite frankly. I had played in championship games, presented scientific data in front of hundreds of people, yet the idea of opening up to someone truly and authentically was horrifying.

By allowing myself to open up to one person though, I have allowed to let other people in as well. I show my emotions in front of people rather than bottle it up until reaching a breaking point (which I definitely still do, but hey, I'm getting better), to openly admitting when I am wrong.

After starting a new job at the end of 2020, I wanted to set myself up for as much success as I could. Since I was engaging in something I had never done before, I immediately approached this job with a different mentality. I began asking for help when I needed it, reaching out to others in the same position as me for their opinion or guidance, and simply owning up to moments in which I was wrong or could have done better. For me, starting 2021 off on a note of change has been difficult, but a much needed change at that.

Whole-Hearted Living

Last but not least, whole-hearted living. I didn't understand this concept until reading Brené Brown's book, Daring Greatly. You see, to truly live a meaningful life that is both fulfilling and exquisite, there are ten 'guideposts' that must be fulfilled. These include:

1. Cultivating Authenticity and Letting Go of What Other People Think

2. Cultivating Self-Compassion and Letting Go of Perfectionism

3. Cultivating Your Resilient Spirit, Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness

4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy, Letting go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark

5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith, Letting Go of the Need for Certainty

6. Cultivating Creativity and Letting Go of Comparison

7. Cultivating Play and Rest, Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth

8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness and Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle

9. Cultivating Meaningful Work, Letting Go of Self-Doubt and Supposed-To

10. Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance. And Letting Go of Cool and Always in Control

(Brown Brené. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery, 2015. )

That's a lot of points, right? Yet each one of these points has resonated deeply with me on a very spiritual level. Whole-hearted living is where all of these pieces begin to correlate and fall into place. For me, being able to separate toxic or negative perspectives in my own life has allowed for me to seek active change in these moments.

For example, since graduating college, I have had a lot of pressure from family to jump straight into a career and 'figure out my life'. Because of this, these past two seasons in Iceland I felt an insurmountable amount of guilt because I didn't have a 'real job', and that I was 'avoiding growing up'. Now that I have thrown myself into school again to figure out which direction I'd like to go in my life, I have struggled with identity and comparing myself to where I am, and simply where society thinks I should be. Yet here I am, taking each day as it comes, and seeing what the future holds for me or what opportunities may present to me down the road. I've learned to let go of (or at least mitigate) the outside pressure looking in at my life, and focus on what I want and need. In moments where many stressors build up and leave me feeling overwhelmed, I've learned to stop, take a deep breath, and look at each aspect from an external perspective. Why do I feel this way? Is it just because I am having a bad day? Did someone say something that triggered this response? Why did I react like this? What can I do to fix or alleviate this feeling? Being able to slow down and think why we react to certain things instead of how we react to them makes all the difference in approaching cognitive appraisal and recognition.

As humans, we are creatures of habit. Sometimes our responses to certain situations or emotions occur without thought. Perhaps how we were raised effects this and the century old debate of nature versus nurture ties into these innate reactions, but either way, being able to recognize the need for change is quite rare. Yet recognizing a fallacy isn't the end of it. Seeking active change is what differentiates recognition from action.

Moving Forward

So with all of that in the air, now what, right? How has the year gone so far? Well, it has been difficult to say the least. Living in this continuous state of doubt and fear has been exhausting. Yet at the same time, I have taken strides in the right direction. By allowing myself to forgive those who have wronged me as well as myself, accept things out of my control, learn how to be vulnerable and apply it in everyday life, as well as practice whole-hearted living, all I can do is try. Try my best. Try to be better. Try to move on.