What is “it”?

I had slithered my way down into a luxuriously comfortable bed of acceptance. 2020 was a year unlike any other. Feeling independent and a bit unnerved by taking a leave of school, I landed myself living on my own with my partner: the dream gig. I was going to be twenty years old, and my glamorous plans and dreams for my 20s was at my fingertips. I was eager and ready.

A break from school seemed like a breath of fresh air. Through angsty years of life second guessing my every decision, school was an outlet to shine. With a pen and paper, I wouldn’t have to second guess why I said something this way or why I had to be the loudest person when there was only one loud person around (that would be me). I was whatever came out of my pen. Indeed, this wasn’t the best mindset to have when going to a math class that would always show fault, even midst my denial. School taken out of the picture changed how I measured myself. I was forced to find out where I fit in the world.

The job market is daunting. I hadn’t worked much outside of volunteering and working through my college. Suddenly, I was filled with only my nagging voices of doubt. Sending applications for a fast food job had sweat dripping down my forehead. I worked happily, getting energy from people around me. When home, every interaction had to be analyzed with an overly critical magnifying glass. I couldn’t commit to plans because I no longer felt like I had anything to add that would interest anyone. Sure, I enjoyed people, even excited when invited to hang out. Then, the time would come and I’d hurry to ditch the plans because I just dreaded being a dead log in the group.

“It is what it is.” So what? I stopped seeing friends, stopped making them, and doubted I’d even be a qualified/desired person to have a friendship with. That’s just how it goes. I repeated this mantra in my head. Quarantine gave me the perfect crutch, being more than safe physically and cushioning myself emotionally.

I went through a few jobs. I’d meet people I would rave about when I got home, practically dying for more connection. Excuse after excuse would come about actually imitating or following through with potential friendships or activities.

“It is what it is” must die. Let it fall off the cliff. With school in the picture, my creativity is returning. If you find yourself believing “it is what it is,” ask yourself a question: what exactly is this big ole “it?” Once you define the daunting “it,” you’ll realize the belief alone is the only thing forcing the cycle. My problem, my “it,” is self image. Of course, I was tempted to say “was” because wrapping up a lonely time with a bow would be the most beautiful present. However, staring “it” in the face gives me hope. My self image is the problem, and my self image is something I create all myself. There are things I can change. I have to be willing to change, not slumping down and taking the punches. Most importantly, however, I have to believe that I can change. Belief is that little fishing line, untraceable, that will tangle and twist up everything you touch if you let it. Choose to believe in a path that will untangle all those lines and create a clear road for your journey.