Unseen

It’s 4 o’clock in the morning and I was all snuggled up in bed with Lexi right next to me. When all of a sudden my mother came in and quietly nudged me, telling me to grab the phone. As I say hello, I hear the words “he’s dead”. Papa died in a car accident driving home from the club, his friend had too much to drink and lost control of the car exiting off of the freeway on Bristol. Such a winding exit, one that you don’t want to drive straight on. The car had flown off the road and he flew out of the car hit a tree and the car landed right on top of him. I had no idea I would not see him ever again. Just when we were beginning to plan our lives together as mother and father to our unborn child.

I couldn’t believe it, all of my friends in tears, so unexpected, we found ourselves sitting at the alter saying our goodbyes. My last moment with him, was while I was watching him lowered into the ground secretly promising him I would protect our child and that I would never forget him. The hardest promise I would have to keep. The days went by slowly; the sunshine that would normally brighten my day only reminded me of how alone I was. No one could cheer me up and with every moment that passed by family and friends were beginning to worry about me.

The worry of my mother grew so strong that she sat me down one night, just over a week after his death to talk. She told me that I wouldn’t be given anything more than I could handle. To trust and have faith. She talked about how she wouldn’t want me to be sad for her should she ever die. She told me to not worry that we would always be taken care of. At the time of the conversation, I asked her over and over to not talk to me about her death, that I couldn’t imagine the world without her. But our conversation was amazing, she told me how much she loved me and all her hopes and dreams for me. Our conversation gave me some peace.

The next morning, I went on as normal, and I even went back to work for the first time after Papa’s death. One week and six days later after a long and exhausting day at work, I headed home to snuggle my babies. Tired as all get, I walked into my mom’s room to get Lexi so that we could go to our room. Lexi was lying on my mom’s bed drinking her bottle, dozing off. My mom was in the bathroom, her Jacuzzi loud as ever. Didn’t think much about her in the shower, but that was the moment my life would change. I put Lexi to bed, right next to her big sister Cierra, and went to go talk to my mom. That was when I walked down the hall and saw lights. Lots of lights.

My mother had drowned in her Jacuzzi, there were cops everywhere. I freaked, ran into the room to hold my babies. They were all I had. Hours and hours, question after question went by before the cops said they were done with us. All I remember at this moment is watching my mother being wheeled out with a yellow tarp over her. I felt my heartbreak at that moment into millions of pieces. I knew at that moment my life would never be the same. How in the world was I going to live without my mother and how was I going to be a mother without my mom teaching me? The next thing that I did, set the path of destruction of myself.

Alone in the house, with only my babies and step-father, I called in for reinforcements. Cierra being two years old was oblivious to what was been going on was awakened to her grandpa picking her up. I remember telling her this would only be for a while. Never in my wildest dreams did I think awhile would be for as long as it turned out. Lexi only had me. So I called my babysitter and then dropped her off, I needed some time to gather my thoughts. I was a total mess. I don’t remember much of the next couple of weeks. Because that night my mother died was the night I began my addiction.

I called a friend who didn’t have high standards. I knew that and I didn’t care. I needed to escape this unbelievable pain that I was feeling. So I made that call. The next thing I know I am at my mom’s memorial. Her memorial was the saddest day of my life, I couldn’t believe that she had left us. I felt so alone. My dad was there and he tried to console me. He asked me to come home with him, pack myself and the babies, and go. Yeah right, I didn’t have much of a relationship with him at that time and to me, it was a joke. I was angry and hurt and the last thing I wanted to do was be around him. Little did I know; he would be there for me always. Just a couple of weeks after the death of my mother, I was still running the streets and getting high, no concern for the life that I was carrying inside me. Lexi’s babysitter was frustrated; they couldn’t do it anymore. Somehow, they got in contact with my dad and he came down and picked her up. My dad tried again that night, to save me and get me to go home with him once more. But I couldn’t be saved, in fact, I had no desire to be saved. So off my dad went with Lexi by his side. The last little bit of my heart had left, the only difference was that this time was by my own doing.

As the months went by, I still used meth and sometimes, pills; it did not matter how swollen my belly was getting. This baby inside me was just a reminder of the loss of a man that I loved with all my heart. Every time I felt her kick, I hated her. I was so ashamed of my feelings, of my hatred, but she wasn’t enough to get me back on track. This little girl was going to be due very soon and I still couldn’t get my life on track. I was all over the place and never in one place for too long. The lack of care for myself wound me up in the hospital. I was sick, nine months pregnant with pneumonia. I was lucky though. The only thing that showed up when they ran their tests was pain pills. Those were easy to explain; I was taking them for the pain I was in.

Of course, the hospital reminded me that it wasn’t safe to use anything while pregnant. I shrugged it off. A week went by in the hospital and I was finally ready to be discharged. The nurse had barely gotten the news out of her mouth when I suddenly started to crown and felt the urge to start pushing. It was the fastest delivery ever. Just the nurse and I brought Savannah into this world. The moment that I held that baby in my hands I knew she was going to be perfect. Savannah Marie, partially named after my mother was going to be my new beginning. As I looked into her eyes gave me just enough hope to believe again.

With this little girl and nowhere to go, I had made the decision to start over. Literally over. Orange County bound again, I settled down in a room for rent and tried to be a mother to Savannah. But secretly, I doubted myself. How could I take care of this little girl when I couldn’t care for my others? This doubt was too strong for me, while Savannah wasn’t enough. I could hear the drugs calling me, begging me to come back. Naturally, I was off and using it again. Only this time there was no one there to protect Savannah. She still went where I did. I got to the point where her safety was no longer my concern.

I don’t remember what the final straw was or maybe I blocked it out, but one morning I decided that if Savannah stayed with me any longer, she would die because I was no longer a mother that could protect her child. I was a lost and broken woman, who couldn’t stop using drugs. I couldn’t bear the thought that she could die because I wasn’t strong. With what I assumed at the moment, that I was alone and no one to ask for help I did what I thought was best. I took the bus to Orangewood (a home for children that didn’t have anywhere to go), walked in the doors, and begged them to take her.

I sat in a room, holding her, shaking and scared listening to this social worker tell me there were other options. I just laughed inside. She didn’t understand what I was going through, she couldn’t feel my pain. She told me there were places I could go to get help. She even asked me why I don’t call my dad. My dad, funny, he was already taking care of Lexi. How could I do this to him? She just couldn’t grasp the concept that I knew she couldn’t stay with me, that I was no good, I would cause her death. She spoke some more and when she stopped for the briefest of seconds, I handed Savannah to her and walked away. That is the last memory I had of Savannah. Now, not only did she lose her father, but her mother as well.

At this point, it was when I thought that I had hit rock bottom. Little did I know the ground was so much further away. I felt all alone. I didn’t have anyone beside me, I felt abandoned. So alone, with no one to count on me, and no one to care for, I could live the life of a free person. In my mind, I couldn’t be hurt again. The thing is though, that was exactly what wound up happening anyway. Only this time I was only hurting myself without the help of others.

With all of this freedom and pain deep inside me, I turned to using meth. Meth was great for me and I believe that it helped me bury my problems. Using meth helped me to not sleep, which meant no dreaming. I used all day and all night with people who I thought were my friends and strangers I met along the way. I am not sure if I ever spent an hour sober at this time. I recall this one time that I thought that I was so immune to anything bad happening that I challenged my connect (the person that I got my drugs from) to a dual of who could get the highest.

He accepted this challenge in the living room of a friend’s house. The deal was if I could do what he laid out then he would give my friend twice as much. This would be good for her and I. So there I was with an eight ball of meth laying right in front of me and I sucked it right on in. I did it! I for about five seconds thought I was the coolest person in the world. The next thing I knew I was sitting on the floor of the shower overdosing I imagine. I was sweating like crazy, shaking, and talking to myself. I am not sure what happened but the next thing I knew it had been over two weeks and I was tired. This was the first time I remember sleeping after walking away from my life.

I heard stories of the crazy things that I did during these two weeks. Some that still today I can’t believe. Apparently, during this time I wound up at the house where the cops came to lock the house down because of an eviction. The cops had searched the house, but didn’t find me. The story goes that I hid under a pile of clothes in the closet. The clothes were stacked so high they didn’t notice me. The way I got out was even more bizarre. Friends who were escorted out waited for the cops to leave and broke in to get me. So out I went, crawling, commando-style out the garage door. Free yet again.

There were many more months of endless drug use, until the day that I met someone. Now it wasn’t just me, but it was “us”. We spent our time together, still getting high, still running the streets, he would be someone that would be very special to me for a long time. His name was Shane. Shane and I met on the streets, through a connection that we both had in common. We hit it off the moment that we met. Shane and I traveled back and forth a lot from the Orange County area and the High Desert area. We were able to do this because he began to sell meth. This was great for us because not only did we have all the meth we wanted, but we were able to stay at hotels.

Having the money for hotels got us both off the streets. For the first year or so, we were inseparable. We did everything together. The only time that we had anyone around was when they stopped by to do pick up. Then they were gone. It stayed this way for a while. However, as time passed by he started to allow his friends to stay in our rooms. He began to be more interested in the people that came over to pick up and less interested in me. Even though he showed less interest in me, I was not allowed to leave without him, I had to always look as good as possible, and I had to ensure that the hotel rooms were comfortable to all that came in.

At one time, I had a friend that stayed at one of our hotels and I like hanging out with her. We would do silly things, like color, and try on different clothes, basically anything girly. One time I had gotten so upset with Shane because he had some friends over for days, I was pretty much confined to this miniature kitchen while they hung out. I was so upset that after his friends left I had taken a shower and prepared to go to my friends for a while. Shane was so angry that he didn’t trust me and was not having it. He didn’t like it when I left without him. He had become very controlling and nothing was the same with us anymore.

As I walked to the door to leave, he grabbed me violently, throwing me to the bed. I was so scared of him at that moment. I tried to get away from him, but I wasn’t strong enough. When I hit the bed I could feel myself bouncing. He had jumped on me, basically straddling me, I was a prisoner to him. At that moment I started to scream and he put his hand over my mouth, while he had his other hand over my throat. He was choking me and there was nothing that I could do about it. At one point I tried to get myself free by kicking my legs. I am not sure why he let me go. But he did and when he got off me, he made it quite clear that I was not going anywhere without him. Ever.

Things pretty much stayed the same for about six months. However, I never left his side. I was truly scared of him at this time. We had made it back up to the high desert for a while and things seemed to get a little worse. I tried once again to get away from him, only this time I had a little more success. I had more friends up in the high desert. So one day when he was out delivering to his customers I snuck out of the hotel and ran to a friend’s house. I stayed for days before he found me. I am not sure how he found me, but what I do know is that one day I had gone to the store to get something to drink. When we pulled up to the house, Shane came falling from the sky. He had jumped off the roof of the house and right in front of me.

He scared the life out of me, but he begged me to forgive him for how he had been treating me. We talked for hours that night. I had listened to him apologize over and over. He asked me if we could start over. I thought that maybe we could fix things, so I agreed. With us trying over, we agreed to go back to Orange County, so that we could concentrate on ourselves. This would be our new start. However, things didn’t go as planned. By the time we moved back to Orange County, there were better connections out there, so Shane was basically forgotten. We had no money and nowhere to go.

We spent most of our time trying to get money for our drug habit. When it was time to sleep, we would find a spot at a park. This was scary, always hearing animals, cars, and people kept me from really ever getting any type of sufficient sleep. We never knew if we were going to get in trouble. The reality was we were homeless drug addicts. However, we eventually found somewhat better sleeping arrangements. It was most definitely not practical, but it did get us out of the parks. And as insane as this sounds this new arrangement felt safe.

While we walked the streets one day, we noticed an apartment complex that had numerous garage carports that had mini storage units that weren’t locked. These mini garage storages were maybe seven feet wide and four feet tall. We found one that was empty and set it up with blankets and candles. Every night we would wait till dark and climb on in, then during the day, we would leave before light. We used this crazy little hole for weeks until one night a security guard had caught on. He had ordered us out of the carport and we ran. We ran for our lives and our freedom and never looked back or went back.

Again on the streets, we had nowhere to go. Only this time instead of using any money we had on drugs we used it in a room. It was nice to sleep in a bed. I had forgotten how nice it was to sleep in a bed. But with all of our money being spent on a hotel and not drugs, we began to have really nasty withdrawals. Not wanting to do anything but sleep and eat because of the tortures withdrawal symptoms time felt to go by very slowly. One day Shane had left to get food for us and he never came back. The next morning when it was time to pay for another day I walked out of that hotel room alone and scared.

With nowhere to go, I called an old friend and asked to come over. With Shane not by my side, I actually would have somewhere to go. This was when I went to my friend’s house and began to make calls; looking everywhere for Shane. Unsurprisingly, I found out that Shane had been picked up for theft. Without Shane, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. However, one thing was for sure and that was that I would have a place to stay with a roof over my head and food to eat. The downside of this was I also had all the drugs that I wanted.

While staying at my friend’s house was great and I had no worries, I did get very lonely. I began talking to my friend’s roommate. Q was a funny guy and we could spend hours together talking. As time went by we wound up forming a relationship. We spent all day and night talking, drinking, and getting high. Little did I know; he was my friend's connect. One night we wound up sleeping together and just a couple of weeks after that I found out I was pregnant. Me pregnant again, a baby, another life for me to ruin. I couldn’t believe it. As luck would have it, Q didn’t want anything to do with this pregnancy.

Come to find out, Q had an entire other life. With a wife and children. He was married but separated and it turned out I was just a fling. I was so angry. I left that night. And it was that night, little did I know that I would be changing courses. I didn’t know where I was going to go. All I knew was I wasn’t going to stay with a married man, who didn’t want anything to do with the baby that we made. Walking down the street at two in the morning made me a walking target for anyone, thugs and cops. Little did I know this was going to be the night that I would be sleeping on a hard concrete bed, with a little foam mattress. That’s right, the cops stopped me as I was walking. I was arrested for being under the influence.

Being arrested wasn’t what I wanted, but it was really good for the baby that I was carrying. By the time I was arrested I was 3 months pregnant and no closer to any type of sobriety. This meant that while I was spending time in jail, my body would heal and the baby I was carrying would have a fighting chance of a healthy life. I wasn’t sure where I was going to go once I was released from the place that I calling home. Little did I know plans were being made for me without me knowing. Shane who was released while I was locked up had reached out to me. I had told him all about what was going on while he was away. More importantly, I told him I was pregnant and not by him. Evidently, he didn’t care much that I was pregnant because after I was released and walked out to the fresh air, there Shane was waiting for me.

Life started to mellow out for a while and I didn’t use any type of drugs for the rest of the pregnancy. My little precious boy, who I named Devin, was born healthy and came home without a worry in the world. Shane and I even eventually moved into our own place, rather than stay with his family. Having our own place was great. That was until one day I was deep cleaning our place and had come across a meth bong. He was using again. I couldn’t believe it. I had suspicions here and there, but could never prove it. At this moment I had an urge to get back at him for the disappointment that I felt towards him so I carelessly used all the meth that I found. This again began another spiral downhill.

This spiral was fast and scary. Things between Shane and I went back to the way things were in our past. I couldn’t go anywhere and couldn’t do anything. I had to make sure he got what he wanted when he wanted it. Long story short I became pregnant once again. I knew through my life with Devin that the best thing I could do for this new pregnancy I was experiencing was to get sober. I tried time and time again. Sometimes I could even make it a week before breaking down and using. I knew that being with him would never allow me to be sober. With Devin by my side and a baby in my belly had no choice but to leave. Shane was not happy about this. I remember this conversation and the events that followed like they happened yesterday.

We had gone shopping and on the way home in a moving car, I told him that I had to leave him and that he wasn’t healthy for me and that my children deserved better. He didn’t say much at that moment. I was surprised. But as we parked the car and got out, he started to yell at me, even as we were walking back to the apartment with groceries, he got so angry that at that moment, he hit me in the stomach, causing me to gasp for air and kneel over in pain. I was so afraid this his careless actions were going to cause damage to our unborn child. It was then at that very moment that I walked to the bus stop and got away. If he wasn’t afraid to hurt me, while his baby was inside of me, then how could I ever know for sure that he wouldn’t do the same to her in her future. Neither of my children would ever experience the violence that he had shown towards me.

I wasn’t sure where I was going, but I knew that I wasn’t staying. So after an hour on the bus, I found myself walking into Shane’s mother's house. She offered for me to stay with her. I took her up on this offer. But only days later, Shane showed up and never left. He was determined to be the death of me or at the very least the death of our unborn child. Every day that went by I was scared, scared that he would hurt me, scared that he wouldn’t let me be me. Thankfully, Shane’s habits landed himself back in jail. Because on October 1, 2006, Shane was arrested again for shoplifting. This is when he would spend the next year of his life in prison. This was the day that I made the decision to never use another drug again.

Not relapsing was and has always been very hard for me. Becoming sober always brought back the memories that I tried to bury. Every time I tried to get sober I would relive the life that destroyed me. However, I knew that if I wanted to stay sober I was going to have to check into a program and not look back. I was going to need help and that was the hardest fact that I had to admit to myself. And that is what I did. I checked myself into a rehabilitation center, was a blessing for me. It was the exact tool that I needed to learn how to be sober. The best part was, Devin was able to stay with me. This really helped our relationship. I learned how to bond with my son. Devin and I felt a real bond and I knew that I was going to be his mother and nothing would ever get in the way. It was great. Ninety days went by quickly because the following day Emily my sweet little girl was born. Emily was healthy despite the drug use, and Devin loved his precious little sister.

Time went by smoothly, Shane wound up getting more time in prison and I continued working on my sobriety. However, it wasn’t long after Shane got out of prison when the cops showed up at our door. However, they didn’t show up for him, they showed up for me. I had a warrant out for my arrest from Orange County. The only person who knew this was Shane, he had called them and told them where I was. So off I was to Orange County to take care of this warrant. This was a tough moment for me because this was the day that Emily took her first steps. I couldn’t believe that my life had come to such a halt so quickly, especially with the hard work that I put into it.

Luckily, when I went to court the judge had seen how well I was doing and cut me a little bit of a small break. I was to do only ninety days, rather than go to prison. However, the judge made it quite clear that if I were to make one little mistake I would go to prison. What a devastating moment for me. To be away from my babies for such a long time after all that I had been through. I had finally learned how to be a mother. I finally learned how to live life and to not give up on my children. I was doing it, or at least I was faking it until I made it. If you practice something long enough, eventually you master it. After my time in jail, I went back to Shane’s mother's house. The only difference here is that she didn’t allow Shane to be at the house. She believed that I had a chance of becoming somebody and that was important to her. So ninety days is what I did.

I couldn’t wait until the day I was released, to see my little girl walk to me and to hold my son in my arms again. It was all I thought about the entire time. I remember so clearly the day that I was let go and one of my younger sisters Cindi picked me up from the jail and brought me halfway up the hill to the high desert. It was at a McDonald's when I got to see my babies again. It was at that moment I told myself that I would never be away from them again. And to this day that is the way that it has been. The only thing that I knew for sure was that there was nothing left to stop me from moving forward. Now all I had to do was get through probation and not get myself into trouble like I always had in the past. My probation officer; wasn’t the nicest. She actually scared the crap out of me. She straight looked me in the face and told me that I better find something to do with myself or I was going to find myself struggling through probation. She was somewhat nice though, she had given me a once in a lifetime incentive. Find something to do with your time and I will release you from probation.

It was at this time that I had to really find a way to make myself busy and living in the desert wasn’t an easy thing to accomplish. The only thing that I could think of was enrolling in school and that is exactly what I did. I enrolled at Victor Valley College. Once enrollment was done, I showed my probation officer and she let me go. Just like that. It was crazy, this was the moment that my life began to really turn around. The thing is though, I had no idea what I was going to school for or what I wanted to do. The only thing that I knew for sure was that I wasn’t going back to jail and I was going to be a great mother to my children. My children had become my world and school was my goal. So basically I was a single mother of two wonderful children.

Although at the moment I still had no contact with Cierra, Lexi still lived with my father, and I was learning how to be a mother. The difference was I was not learning from my biological mother but through my step-mom. She truly stepped up and showed me that I hadn’t lost everyone. That her love for me was just as unconditional as my biological mom's. My step-mom became my mom and patiently worked with me as I learned how to be a mother. It was because of her I wasn’t afraid of getting close to my children anymore. This being said, months went by and when I went to school, my babies went to school. I had been pulling it off and I didn’t feel like I was faking it anymore. I was actually learning who I was and liking who I was becoming. As time went by I realized that I couldn’t stay any longer with Shane’s mother. She had been a great support, but the house that we lived in always smelt like pot and I began to feel that she was using meth and her habit was going to get in the way of my success. This led me to once again, to challenge myself.

It wasn’t just the meth that she did that made me want to leave. It was the fact that I wanted more than anything to provide for my kids. I had this vision of what their life should be like and in this environment that would never happen. But the final straw was when I got a call from a friend from many years ago, telling me that my oldest daughter was living with her in another state. She even let me talk to her a couple of times. Cierra sounded so much older than the little two-year-old that I remembered. I couldn’t believe this. Life was changing constantly; I never knew what was going to happen the next day. Nothing in my life was predictable even as a responsible adult and caring mother.

Cierra sounded so sweet. We talked all the time about what her life had been like and how she wound up with Suzee. Suzee felt that Cierra should get to know me and I was very grateful towards her. I was forever thankful that she looked past all my mistakes. It could have been the fact that she was a mother herself, or the hormones from being pregnant, but she continued letting me talk to her. However, things were soon going to change. Suzee called me and told me that she was moving back to California and that Cierra was going to be moving back to her dad’s house. She even agreed to let me see her before they landed in Orange County.

This was not only a blessing but heartbreak. To see Cierra for only one day, I didn’t think this was going to be enough but I had to take it. And I did. Cierra showed up one evening with Suzee by her side. They didn’t come alone, along with the two of them, Suzee’s dad, son, and brother came. It was such a wonderful night. I don’t remember what we ate, or what I wore, all I can remember is that this was the first time that I had seen Cierra in over ten years. It was surreal. The entire time I felt that I was living in a dream. However, soon enough I would awake from this dream because morning came and off Suzee went, Cierra a tow. It was instant heartbreak. Though I must say, that twenty-four-hour visit only pushed me harder to prove myself.

Cierra was my final straw. I couldn’t live where I was and even considered life with her where I was. I couldn’t even imagine a healthy and happy life for Devin and Emily either. I simply had to change things and quickly, because time doesn’t slow down. I had to grow up. With this being said, I moved out on my own. It was crazy. I had my own place, something that I had never done. It was my first night, in my first apartment, it was a different experience that I will never forget. I didn’t have much, just mattresses to sleep on and a few DVD’s that my dad let me borrow. With that being said, my little sister also named Emily and I moved things around enough to get settled for our first night and watched movies. It was great. I had my own room and the kids in their own room. It was such an accomplishment for me a single mother, full-time student, and my own place! I think it was at this moment when I was no longer being carried through all my troubles, instead, I was now leading myself towards a path that was heading up to the stars.

It wasn’t much longer after I got into my apartment when I began to really form a relationship with my dad again. For a while, he was very hesitant about having me around. It didn’t really matter, even though all that I had accomplished; he had to protect Lexi and my little sisters. My mom (step-mom) didn’t have her guard up as high at this point, or if she did she really did a good job hiding it. She had always treated me just like everyone else. I could never and have never viewed her as a stepmom. Anyway, it was at this point where Lexi, Devin, and Emily started to really get to know one another. And through all of this, I was not only able to prove to my parents that I had changed, but that I was able to mend the broken bridge that I had caused so many years ago.

Things were going great, I was continuing school and raising my babies. I was living life on life’s terms. Unfortunately, Cierra wasn’t allowed to talk to me anymore, her father forbade it. I would never be good enough for her according to him. Little did I know things would change. But for the moment all I could do is concentrate on school. The school had really helped me keep my head above water and with school, I knew that there would be a time in my life that I truly could be proud. However, I was able to keep in contact with Suzee and her father. Her father, Rick, checked in on me once they got settled back in Orange County. We actually had become great friends. We didn’t share our friendship with many, but that was okay with me, as I really liked my privacy. It was nice, he was the first adult that treated me like I was a person. He didn’t know much about who I was in the past and cared more about the person I was in the present.

As time went by, I found myself closer and closer to graduation. Actually, it was a graduation for many. My graduation was one of three very important graduations: Lexi’s, Mary’s (my sister), and mine. We all graduated within weeks of each other. This was my turning point with Mary. Our graduations together are what brought us very close to one another. To this day, she is not only my sister but my best friend. We have never made an important decision without going to the other. We are inseparable. Graduating with an associate's degree is not much today, but to me, it was proof that you can be a nobody and then become a somebody. That associate’s degree did not help me much in the world of work, but that was okay with me because I had made the decision to move onward and upward and begin working on a bachelor’s degree.

Now I was making big girl decisions and yet again, God had another plan for me. Turns out I wasn’t going to be going to Brandman University for just a bachelor’s degree in social science, I was also going to obtain my bachelor’s in psychology, two degrees at the same time. This was going to be the hardest challenge yet. Luckily, I had an amazing friend named Angie; we took each class together. We struggled through statistics and flew right through our at-risk youth class. Each class brought us a new challenge. But together we managed to earn nothing less than an “A”! Together, we were invincible. This wasn’t enough though for me, apparently, I knew there was more to come. And it did because on a wintery night my phone rang. It was Alex, Cierra’s father, and he said that he couldn’t do it anymore. It was my turn to take Cierra.

Were my ears deceiving me? Was I really going to be getting Cierra back? My oldest daughter back in my arms after all this time? At least that was how I envisioned it, but that was most definitely not how it was. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I called Rick, told him what was happening, called Mary to watch Devin and Emily, and lastly, Emily (my sister) and I hopped on the freeway at two o’clock in the morning and headed to Orange County. I was so unbelievably tired; the adrenaline was my savior. The closer to Orange County I got, the more nervous I became. My body shook, my mind raced, my soul ached. Could this really be happening? As I exited off the freeway, I became scared. I doubted myself. I froze. Rick called at that moment and told me to breathe. He reminded me that this was my time. Could this be a dream?

Before I stopped to pick up Cierra, I stopped at Rick’s, which ironically was only minutes away from her and neither of us even knew it. He fueled me up with hot coffee, told me that I had this, and to call him when I got home. When I arrived at Alexis, it was short and sweet. Cierra was most definitely not happy at this moment, but for me, I was glowing, it was like I just gave birth to her again. That ride home seemed to be the fastest hour ever. I just couldn’t wait for everyone to see her. I was excited for Emily and Devin to get to meet their big sister again. The morning after we came home, we went straight to my parent's house. Everyone was excited to see her. It wasn’t just me that felt the void of not having Cierra in our lives, it was everyone that felt the void.

Things were pretty tough in the beginning with Cierra. She hated me! She had no idea how hard I had tried to get in contact with her throughout the years. Alex never told her, she literally thought I had forgotten about her. I didn’t tell her in the beginning, I didn’t want to talk about Alex, or the past, I just wanted to soak up every moment had with her. But as the days and weeks went by, she didn’t budge. She simply didn’t trust me, in fact, she would do whatever she could to upset me. She was stubborn, as stubborn as her momma. I had had enough one day and decided to show her just how hard I tried to find her and be in her life. Luckily, I had saved everything. I had shown her every email that had ever been written between Alex and I was saved just for this very moment.

On my bed, just the two of us, we sat there as she read through ten years of emails each of which showing just how much I cared and how hard I tried to be a part of her life. They were emails of me begging him to just send a photo or to simply to tell me that she was alive. Every time I moved or advanced in my life I made sure to tell him. I had shared every moment with him, in hopes that he would believe that I was good enough for her, but I was never good enough until he couldn’t handle her anymore. However, as she read those embarrassing emails of me begging, her eyes lit up. I could see this small little glimmer of life in her again. She never knew just how hard I had tried until that night, and it was that night when our relationship changed forever. It wasn’t but a couple of days later when she called me “Mom” for the first time since she was two years old. It is crazy when you think about it, I went twelve years without her calling me mom, but I survived.

Through all of this, Rick stood by my side, talking me down when Cierra drove me crazy and pushing me not to give up when I thought I couldn’t go any further. He supported me from a distance. Although my family didn’t really know him at the time, Cierra would change that. She knew his number; she grew up with him. One day, she saw his number on my phone and this was the day that our secret would be let out. She confronted us and we told her that we had remained friends since we first met. Little did I know Rick had other plans, but that story would be told soon enough. Rick eventually started coming to visit. It was nice. We had fun together and the kids liked him. I even drove down to see him a couple of times as well.

As the winter went by and the weather got colder, the kids got closer and so did Rick and I. We had made plans to go Christmas shopping for the kids and that meant that I was to go down to him and that is what I did. Little did I know he was going to ask me to marry him. I told him yes at that moment, but because of my insecurity, I hurt him only a couple of days later. I ended our very short engagement very publicly, I just couldn’t marry him, how could we be together and there not being problems? I didn’t believe that he would cherish me rather than hurt me. I felt that I wasn’t good enough for him because of my past and all of my baggage. I was damaged goods, with plenty of children to go around. It wasn’t just the fact that I had children because he had children too, but they were my age! I didn’t think that they would be accepting of me, especially because they have heard horrible things about me throughout the years. Unfortunately, that was the excuse I gave him, but the reality was so much more.

How could I let someone be that close to me? To be someone’s wife after all that I had done and been through. My mind came up with many ways that he could hurt me or I could hurt him. My life was doing just fine with the way that things were. I wasn’t sure that I would be able to trust him the way a wife should trust her husband. We didn’t talk for days after I so carelessly dismissed him. However, he was keen to the person that I truly was, he understood me more than I understood myself. Every day, he called me as nothing had happened. He was determined to show me that he was not like everyone else, he was fighting for me when I couldn’t. July came around quickly and there were fireworks everywhere. Our wedding took place on a beautiful summer's eve. I remember walking down the aisle and feeling so proud of the fact that I was going to be his wife. As we said our vows and poured multi-colored sand, to signify the blending of our families, unifying our children into one amazing family, I could feel the tears welling up! What a family we had, children from thirty years old, all the way down to six. Seven children altogether, it was our mini Brady Bunch, so to speak. Married life was crazy, especially considering the fact that I had become pregnant within weeks of our wedding. We didn’t have it easy in the beginning, Rick worked very far away, so he was only home a couple of days a week.

As my pregnancy progressed, he made the decision to change jobs. His new job was in an area that unbeknownst to us was very dangerous. He would come home and tell me the scary things that happened. There was even a time he had a gun pulled on him. He wouldn’t leave the job though because this new job allowed him to come home on a daily basis. Every night he would come home and show so much love to me and his unborn baby girl. All of the kids had grown accustomed to him being at home. It was such a help too for him to be home, me being pregnant and going to school. I found school was so much harder while being pregnant. Rick wanted nothing more than to be close to home, but with the dangerous position that he held he wasn’t sure if he would come home at the end of the day. This caused him to decide to take his old position back and just only be home half the week again. It was devastating to all of us, but there was no way he could just not come home again due to the danger. I couldn’t imagine life without him.

Pregnancy was very difficult this time and I spent the majority of my time in the hospital. My body wasn’t as accepting of this pregnancy. Every other day I would go in for a stress test. If only I had eaten better and not gained so much weight, I thought to myself. The months went by quickly and became closer to delivering, closer to bringing our child into the world for all to see. It was revealed in my grades as they went from all A’s to a couple of B’s. I never gave up though; I fought the whole way through. Thankfully, my difficult pregnancy didn’t lead to a difficult delivery because little Miss Sofia was delivered in seven minutes. It was the longest seven minutes of my life.

Sofia was the sweetest little baby, a child made of our love. Life was crazy, going to school, raising Cierra, Devin, Emily, and Sofia, and being a wife ensuring that the house ran smoothly. I hated that Rick was only home a couple of days a week. After just a few months of this Rick and I made the decision to move closer to his work, thus brought me back to Orange County, where I had once lost my whole world. It was very scary for me. I didn’t adjust well, and I became very depressed and my anxiety was the worst it had ever been. There was nothing that anyone nor myself could do to help me and things just seemed to get harder. Cierra even decided she no longer wanted to live with us.

Not long after that, we moved to Orange County, Cierra moved back in with her dad. This single act was enough to send me over the deep end, how could I lose her again? Nobody could understand the loss and betrayal that I felt. Eventually, I found myself sitting in a doctor’s office begging for help. I couldn’t fall apart, I had my children and a wonderful husband. I was even nearing the end of my school year and about to graduate. I needed to find a way to get better and quickly. Several things were done to help me. My doctor prescribed medication to help me through the depression and anxiety and Rick brought me home a wonderful surprise. He bought me a puppy. He always knew how much I loved animals. Abbey really helped brighten my days.

After a couple of months of medication and love, I found myself able to breathe a bit again. It was a good thing because I was about to do the last part of my requirements for my Bachelor’s Degree, my internship. Being in a county where I know anyone, I did what anyone else would do. I reached out on Facebook asking if anyone knew where I could do my internship. This was when I was approached by only one-person Miss Julie Ann, she had positions open within the organization where she worked called Project Cuddle. I went to the orientation and was ready to do my intern hours. What happened next was something that is almost unbelievable!

First, let me tell you about Project Cuddle, and then it will make sense as to why it could be portrayed as unbelievable as to why I found my inner peace for all my mistakes through this one decision that I made. Project Cuddle was a nonprofit organization whose mission was to provide safe and legal alternatives to baby abandonment. Through this organization I was able to start to feel good about my decision in regards to Savannah, I only wish I had something like Project Cuddle around when I was going through all my troubles. Even though Project Cuddle was in its infancy, Project Cuddle could have helped me ensure that I would know where she was today.

All that aside, during the beginning of my intern position I was offered a position within the organization as the Crisis Case Coordinator. I would be helping the girls and women that called into our hotline. I could genuinely relate to each of these women’s situations which allowed me to help them better their lives. Amazing, I was helping girls that were going through the same things that I had already gone through. Finally, I had a job that would allow me to give back and at the same time use my education. It was such an accomplishment for me! The only thing that would make me prouder would be the fact that I was about to graduate with a double Bachelor’s degree in psychology and social science! All I could think about at this time was I was helping others and graduating, look at me now!

Graduation day was a day that I will remember for the rest of my life. Family from everywhere came to celebrate. It was a day for just me, a day to recognize all that I had accomplished despite what I had gone through. I lived that day to my fullest. The memory of it still resonates. Some would think that my life would be complete at this point, but that is most definitely not the case. Today I have been promoted to Program Director and am currently working on my master’s program and am over half-way done. The thought behind this is that one day can open up my own non-profit and continue to help mothers in crisis.

Prologue

So here is the thing, nobody likes to be told that they can’t do something or that someone else understands what they are going through, especially if they haven’t lived it themselves. There is nothing worse than a random person telling you “you can do it” when they themselves have no idea what your experiences have been and don’t understand what you can be like or what it can do to you. That is what makes me believe makes what I have experienced matters. I have experienced multiple deaths very close to one another, walked away from the precious lives of my children, experienced the process of adoption, drug addiction, physical and mental abuse by those whom I thought loved and cared for me, and I have wished to die.

With that being said, I am here to tell you I know what it is like to lose the most important person in your life and to tell you that they don’t want to see you give up. I believe that the people who love us the most are watching over us, so don’t let them down. No matter how hard the decision is to give up your child, just look at it like this. You are making the decision to give the most precious and priceless gift to a family, a gift that they will never forget and always cherish, please don’t think for a second that if you are being abused that it is your fault. In no way shape or form do you deserve to be slapped, punched, pushed, choked, or even have things thrown at you? Your life matters and you deserve to have all of your hopes, dreams, and desires come true.

Walking away from an abuser is very hard, they have learned to control you through your fear of abuse and through the lies that they have convinced you of. Your body is yours alone, it is your treasure, respect it, protect it, give yourself the love that you deserve. In caring for yourself, don’t poison your body with drugs. And if you are in a cycle of addiction, know there is help from real people who learned how to live a life away from addiction. Because we are all addicts in some form. Don’t be afraid of change, don’t feel as though there is no way to better your situation because there is always a way to go from a storage bin to your own home.

Most importantly, do all that you can to not shy away from love. Love is great, it can be scary sometimes, but it is amazing when you find that person who is going to be your soulmate and treat you like a queen or king or that family member who has been waiting for you to come back to them. The love you have within your family will heal and become so strong that words cannot explain the feeling. Each and every person in this world deserves to have love, just like each and every person deserves to have the life they dream of. For me, the dream is to find love, raise my children, and help those who seek it and that is what I have done. I defeated each and every trial thrown my way. It didn’t matter I was abused, or a drug addict, or simply just broken. Because with time, each of those faults molded me into who I am today.

So to conclude my story, don’t let being a single mother stop you from getting your education, don’t let that brief moment of relapsing stop you from trying again. Don’t let the fear of being beat to the point of black and blue stop you from finding love. If you mess up today, that is okay because tomorrow is a new day. I can’t remember how many times I had to remind myself that tomorrow is another day. Let tomorrow be your new day and soar to the heavens. The sky is the limit. So let yourself roar. Your roar is going to be the best feeling in the world.