Transformation

It’s Labor Day weekend, and I’m feeling a huge change. I have crossed over into the beautiful territory known as Loving Your Own Company. It was a long journey to get here. At times, grueling, painful, and full of panic. For many years I experienced what I call the "Friday afternoon squirrelies" on a weekly basis. They have vanished and so has loneliness. How did I get here? Did I just get over it, or did my appetites change? I know that last year I would have agonized a bit over not having holiday weekend plans. Not this year.

I think the last leg of this journey began with the inspiration of one of my mentors. I chose her to be my mentor 3 years ago because of her palpable joy. I wanted what she had. What I later learned was I had chosen a woman who delighted in her own company and private personality, a divorced woman who lives alone and has no desire to change that. Someone with a full life including plenty of time alone. I was in awe. I was a bit relieved by the sheer notion and possibility. Those things felt foreign and out of reach to me. I didn’t realize I was headed in that direction myself. I thought my destination was more friends, more invitations, the social life I had always wanted, or wanted back, from my 30s.

I’m clear that popularity has always been a bit elusive for me. I felt the pangs of loneliness as an only child who changed residences and schools a lot. I carried that psyche into adulthood. Not having my phone ring much has surely aided in my journey to embrace solitude. Now I know there are more important factors to the embracing part, and regardless of what brought me to this peaceful place, I’m enjoying the view.

Here are the things that lead me to enjoy my own company and fully appreciate solitude: Unwanted time alone (due to a spouse with evening and weekend work hours), acceptance (the answer to all my problems), motherhood (a need for rest), years of cultivating self-love, a good relationship with a higher power, weekly social time with people who understand and care about me, the desire to learn new things about myself, a wish for deeper healing work, recognizing that life’s crossroads require time alone, and the desire to begin writing and sharing my ideas.

Running towards people and insisting on good company was a way for me to run away from myself. At times it was a coping mechanism. It was also part of a narrative I kept, one that’s probably familiar to many of us. It reads, “I’m okay, healthy, and good if I am with others, and wanted by others. If I’m not, there must be something wrong with me, I’m broken, and I’m sad.” As an extrovert, it was easy to keep that narrative going. I thought only introverts wanted time alone—can handle time alone. For me, not having fun weekend plans was boredom and torture. Today it’s something new—time and space to relax, have quiet, study something I want to learn, work on something important to me, create, or just be.

For me, this transformation is one of the gifts of middle age. It’s also a silver lining from my marriage ending. A new chapter begins. This chapter is warm with possibilities, and it includes a deeper appreciation for myself and sanctuary. I am blessed.