To Me With Love...

Letter of forgiveness

Over the years, I have learned the importance of forgiveness. I think the biggest thing about forgiveness is that from what I hear it is not for the people who hurt me but for me. Many people have their own theory on why that is but I guess for me it is because of all the problems it can cause to hold a grudge. The crazy part about forgiveness is that even though there is an object of it you’re the only one who can feel those horrible feelings you’re carrying. So, this letter is to help you to forgive.

Hey there it’s me again,

I know it has been awhile since I’ve written but I figured that I laid so much on you the first time maybe I should let you live a little and grasp what I said for yourself. Right now, you are fifteen and in the 8 years since my last letter you have experienced a lot. You have heard the hurtful words from the family I tried to warn you about. You have even lost the friends mommy warned you about, but I want you to forgive me for not telling you the biggest friendship you lost, was hers. I guess that is why I am writing now. The disconnect between you and her is probably not a big deal to you at 15 but I want you to know it will be. I wish I could have held your hand over the past few years when she didn’t defend you like you wanted her to. I know you are angry at her but please try and understand her position. There is so much you cannot see right now. Partially because you are angry and partially because you are not her. At your age, we can barely ever see our parents as people who have flaws like us and who just make poor decisions. Granted some parents are really struggling in that area and to be honest probably should not be parents. I’m telling you this because I know you feel that way about your parents, mommy in particular. I am sorry I could not tell you all this while it happened but she really does love you and she really does mean well. Parents just try their hardest but they can never give you what they don’t have. I know you blame her for choosing your dad, but the truth is, he chose her. I know you blame her for choosing her boyfriend over you but she was a woman who wanted to feel like one and when you get older you are going to choose men who may not be the greatest for you, or to you…Forgive them now because it is going to get rough, ha-ha, oh boy will it ever. I guess what I am trying to say is try and be understanding of who she is. If you only try to see her as a woman and not just a mom you will understand her choices and not just judge her for them. I know all this talk about mom, because you are angry with her, is going in one ear and out the other so I want to shift this conversation. Mommy is not going to be there with you forever. I know you think you know it all and you have heard it said before…but LISTEN TO ME…You remember who I told you I am, right? I’m you. I know everything you are going through and will go through. I wish I could have told you this sooner but like God knows everything before it happens sometimes there are things that will specifically develop us in certain ways that we must experience. So, I am writing merely as a heads up, don’t waste all your time and energy being angry. Some things we can’t control and it is that very reason why I must tell you, you only have 4 years left with her. This letter I am writing to you isn’t really just for you to forgive her but it is for you to forgive you. I know it sounds crazy but right now you are so hurt that it has become anger and because of it no one can say anything to you. The only one who can, your mom’s mom, she is going to leave you in 3 years. Oh, how I wish you would listen and understand me. Just know that she, they, love you and you won’t like or understand everything and will take pleasure in making that known. You are going to act out and do things you were not raised to do but that is a part of God processing you. Also, I know about that conversation you had last year where you and mommy hashed out all your issues. If you only knew how long your words and attitude are going to haunt you. I just want you to know that you didn’t know. When you said you hated her it broke her heart but she healed and understood you never meant it. Now hear me this one hurt you more, trust me, I will explain later. She forgave you when you told her you would keep her from meeting her grandchildren. I should tell you that hurts you even today. Sometimes we are still bothered that you said that. Sometimes it isn’t enough that you didn’t know how limited your time was with her but guess what she forgave you. You got all this right with her but I am telling you it is so important you get it right with you. I don’t think you know how overly critical you can be on yourself. By the way you are like that with others (poor fellas) but you are even worse with yourself. Riva, listen to me, FORGIVE YOURSELF PLEASE. You must. It is a must because the older you get you will see you are only left with you. Life is not always easy and in yours you are rocked hard early on. I am not telling you all this so you can change what happens because you cannot. There is nothing you can do to change it but you can change you. Please hear me. She loves you and she forgives you. You must let go of that hurt you caused her because it is going to bring you years of pain. It is going to cause you years of self-hatred and loneliness. It is even going to cost you relationships with men you love and with friends. You are going to walk, no run, from family but God restores that too. Riva, forgive yourself, please. You will see those people you heard talking about it were so right!