Thoughts That Keep Me Up At Night

Love and relationships are not what they used to be. With every year that passes it is getting harder and harder to find the right person for us. Over the years so much has changed. Our morals and values have become compromised by social media and all the hype that comes with that. We live in a day and age that prefers texting as a form of communication instead of making a simple phone call. We would rather waste hours writing out our thoughts in the most unclear and most misinterpreted way in order to avoid facing the emotions we are sure to feel if we chose to communicate in person, having a face to face conversation wit those we love. We would rather leave and move on to the next hot thing that catches our eye instead of putting in the work that is required to have a deep and meaningful relationship. We have become shallow and unintimate. Intimacy is purely of the physical form now. Sex is the deepest and only form of intimacy we have come to know. Love has lost its value and the word its meaning. The word live carries as much weight as a feather and lasts half as long. We have taken the human out of humanity. It is too easy to avoid facing our loved ones and to desensitize ourselves now. It is hard to feel at all when your staring at a contact in your phone versus staring into the eyes of someone you have hurt. And because of that it is easy to walk away and give up on our partners because of the simplest defect or flaw in their character. We are no longer open to the fact that we are all human. We all make mistakes. And we all have some character flaws and no one is perfect. That is impossible. Yet it is what we expect. And that expectation is truely unfair. I am flawed like a mother fucker! I am well aware that it is my own fault for allowing myself to let other mother fuckers taint the way I conduct myself and for being too naive, too gullable and too willing to believe in, to hope in and too eager to put my trust in the lies and bullshit of fake ass people! It is my own fault for being in love with the idea of falling in love and getting that same love returned! It is my own fault for being weak and letting my dreams and fantasies of love and happily ever afters, allow me to put trust in those that did not even care about me or the well being of my heart! I allowed myself to be molded and shaped by false promises and betrayal. Long before you I was already broken. I hoped that someone would love me wholey and see that I am beautiful, heart and soul, and to show me how to love myself, how to give love to others in a functional way and to have a healthy lifestyle. I am so dysfunctional but I AM beautiful! everything I do is a result of hurt that runs too deep to just put a band aid on. My healing is going to take a lot of commitment, a lot of love, a lot of patience and understanding and that is a lot to ask of anyone and unfair. So I am not mad at you. I pray someone will love me that much and that it won't be a burden or seem like that much work because to them I am worth investing that in and much much more. Do I believe I'll ever find that? Or that that person exists? No I do not but its A beautiful fantasy and one that keeps me pushing. I am aware that my flaws are easier to see over my good. I do not need anyone to remind me of that..

Thoughts That Keep Me Up At Night