This Year, I Explore the Universe Within

When I gaze at the stars, I am held in awe. It is hard to rationalize the sheer size and vastness of the universe up above, as I gaze upon star after star. This light we see is from typically a being that no longer exists. Much like the breadth and depth of the universe, the inner workings of our minds are also a universe where exploration remains limited. This year, I am dedicated to diving deep, confidently hoping to understand more about myself and the world around me. 2021 will be all about self-exploration.

New years allow us to create new aims. 2020 was a year for the ages and it challenged us all. Last March, just as the coronavirus was wreaking havoc on American soil, I had a revelation. This was a crossroads for my emotional and spiritual health. Journaling and meditating became regular practices to take care of the most important person in my life. ME. To some, that may seem selfish. In actuality, self-compassion, self-love, and self-care are all radical acts, because they go against the grain of what society expects of us.

As the year wore on with many monumental events occurring, I truly had to fight for my peace and sanctity, albeit while living in the world where chaos was transpiring. As December 2020 proceeded towards its denouement, I knew that all the internal work I had done MUST brought into the new year, because it had visibly changed who I was. I knew to be my future self, I had to continue developing my self-awareness in the new year. For 2021, the three major themes that are shaping how I move are embodying emotional courage, living out my personal mission statement with unapologetic authenticity, and reconstructing the traumas of my past.

EMBODYING EMOTIONAL COURAGE

2020 allowed me to become more aware of my inner thoughts, so I knew that in 2021, forging ahead with the uncomfortable, but necessary work of emotional courage was going to be critical. For my personal taste, the face of emotional courage has several distinct looks. Foremost is introspection. In order to get anywhere in my emotional courage journey, I realized I must take a long, hard look at myself to explore the parts I’ve masterfully hidden in order to disguise that which I am. Beautifully flawed and brilliantly broken. The idea is not to hide the cracks, but to be whole despite them. Commanding more self-awareness has allowed my mind’s eye to navigate the depths of my humanity, as I strip myself of the synthetic aura of perfectionism, knowing all too well of its impracticality and impossibility.

I have dubiously dabbled in letting go of my perfectionist attitude, and now I understand why it is so easy to cling to. If I let go of the facade of being pristine and flawless, then I expose myself. Emotional vulnerability has been akin to a plague I have tried to avoid at all costs. Conversely, it is also the gateway to more fruitful relationships and a more fruitful life.

I have gone to therapy and read books about the concept, but ironically, nothing beats actually sitting in the shit and doing it. FEELING IT. Who knew. Short-term pain leading to long-term progress is something I have wrestled with for far too long. Now, I understand that “that which I am to become can not exist in my mind as I cling to that which I am.” This has remained a tough pill to swallow and although 2020 was the infancy stage, the glimmers of hope I saw have supercharged my want and desire to be exactly who I am supposed to be. That me is free of holding other’s expectations and emotions and free of holding onto things I have no control over.

Letting go can be difficult things to do, especially when we are just certain that we could alter the outcome of said item if we just hold on tighter. Holding onto things that do not serve us is, in a word, exhausting. Letting go gives permission to stop fighting the current of life, releasing with full acceptance the need to control things. This courageous act is only possible when we understand and embrace our own awareness, as more thoughts and feelings emerge from our unconscious and surface into our consciousness. 2021 is my time to relinquish control so that I can gain more control.

Emotional courage would not be complete without self-compassion. As I have become further established in my career, marriage, and subsequently, my adult life, the need for self-compassionate thoughts has increased exponentially. I am grounded knowing that compassion, not including myself, is incomplete. Challenging my critical inner voice that often comes through like a megaphone is part of my master plan for this year, hoping the cacophony will be tamped to a dull roar. When life hits me hard and I feel lost, it has been easy to slump into isolation, distancing myself from the world and those I love. During the pandemic, I realized that solemn solitude with no respite from one’s psychological quarantine is truly a recipe for disaster. Common humanity and understanding that all that I do and all that I am weaves into the fabric of our existence truly helps me rest easier. I’m never the only one going through my current trial or the only one carrying my specific burden.

This year, I confidently strive to tap into the multitude of emotions that make up my humanity. I am a firm believer that none of the above is possible without mindfulness and a keen awareness of the present moment and all the moments that unfold before us. I have a full understanding that this art of “living on purpose” will be the catalyst for my continued emotional courage journey throughout the year and my life. As the year unfolds, I will uphold the mantra, “you can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”

LIVING OUT MY PERSONAL MISSION

For thirty-one years, I did not have a personal mission statement. Partially, because I didn’t have the foresight to craft one and because I didn’t have a firm grasp on who I wanted to be. As much as I believe in following your passion, we often tie our identities into one pigeon-holed profession or thing we love, setting ourselves up for disappointment and disillusionment. In order to circumvent that heartache, I accepted that my identity was more my values and my mission statement was how I embodied those values. Putting all of our identity and self-worth into just one thing is a surefire way to end up distressed and deprived of joy and fulfillment. As I gave careful consideration to exactly what was driving me, I gained more clarity. After some pretty intense introspection last summer, I settled on what is now my personal mission statement:

“Cultivate those I serve with compassion, so they may broaden their worldview on their journey to a more enjoyable and fulfilled life.”

I worked through 2020 and created my personal mission statement, acknowledging that it was the perfect intersection of my passion, my expertise, and what the world needs. Further meditating on it, I moved on to ask myself pointed questions. What can I do to cultivate myself with compassion? In what ways can I broaden my worldview? How do I seek more joy and fulfillment in my life? Knowing that I am a work in progress AND a masterpiece has helped me slow down and embrace self-compassion. I graciously embrace the title, “lifelong learner,” because I am always eager to seek knowledge in all its forms, particularly knowledge of self and the plight of other marginalized peoples. Joy and fulfillment are more elusive, however there is one thing that brings me infinite joy. Being out in nature is a constant source of joy for me. I recite my mission often, knowing that the time in solitude, while doing significant soul-searching, will be a continual practice in 2021.

This work to reflect spiritually on who I am through my life’s mission allows me to ask what I can give back to humanity, paves a roadmap for how I can shine my light on others, and exhibits my values through kinetic energy. This singular sentence is the driver of my determination, the catalyst for my compassion, and the incitement for my innovation. With each moment within the day’s moments, I know that living by this mantra will give me substantial power in 2021. As we embark on this new year, my heart rests on the hope that I can galvanize others to find what drives them to be the best for others and themselves.

RECONSTRUCTING THE TRAUMA OF THE PAST

I owe it to my ancestors, to my future self, and to those that I love to heal. In 2021, giving my adverse experiences a different meaning will be paramount. Without a doubt, I believe that although we may not be 100% responsible for our hurt, we are 100% responsible for our healing. 2020 taught me that and 2021 will reflect it back through my openness, transparency, and authenticity. I originally scoffed when I saw this quote. However, begrudgingly, I imagined a world without holding onto the pain of the past and feeling light and free of the burden of trauma. That is when I knew it was on me to unpack the depths of my despair. I knew that to mend my ailing heart, I needed to be present and sit in those negative emotions and truly acknowledge them. In my life, I’ve had trouble “being where my feet are”. My lack of presence has severely arrested my ability to live life to its fullest. In 2021, that focus on maintaining intention, attention, and attitude will be the impetus for moving mountains and molehills alike as I travel on my path.

This year, I will become the master of my healing, because frankly, I owe it to myself not to let the hooks of the past hold me down. I will not hold myself back from the life the source designed for me. I will cultivate and refine a black-hole focus on my issues with self-worth and inadequacy, because it inhibits the blessings that are lying in wait for me. If I continue to make my healing an option and not a priority, I will aimlessly spin my wheels, mistaking production for progress. I know that with pain comes reflection. With reflection, progress. My pain and suffering can never be in vain because I remember they intertwine into the human experience, just like my breath. Without pain, pleasure would have no meaning. With no grief, gratification would be an empty word. I must endure life’s highest emotional peaks and lowest chasms, so that I can fully embody and transform my humanity. Suffering is and will continue to be the springboard for knowing who I truly am. My suffering is not the end, but the beginning. It is the requisite framework for a metamorphosis into that which I must become. ME.

PARTING THOUGHTS

As I dive into another year, I look to the future with infinite hope and unmatched optimism. I know I will experience pain and I know struggles will not end in 2020. I also am confident through expressing emotional courage through vulnerability, escaping the false security of perfectionism, and relinquishing control, I can truly live a wholehearted life with authenticity. By walking in my values and modeling my mission statement, I will be compassionate to all, loving to all, seeking to lead all toward joy. 2021 will grow patience for the journey I’m on, perspective for the world around me, and aid persistence in knowing that my work, followed closely by my will, is the catalyst for growth, enlightenment, and a life well lived. As

I bid farewell to 2020 and break new ground in 2021, I aim to leave an indelible mark on this world, even after my soul has vacated this physical vessel. Just like the light of a star shines bright, even after it is dead and gone, I too believe in shining my light on humanity even after I have returned to the soil. I close 2020 and open 2021 with this:

“When you adopt the viewpoint that there is nothing that exists that is not part of you, that there is no one who exists who is not part of you, that any judgment you make is self-judgment, that any criticism you level is self-criticism, you will wisely extend to yourself an unconditional love that will be the light of the world.”