The Real Reason You're Always Running Late

Something is truly wrong with me.

I’m truly a mad person. I consider myself somewhat of a masochist but this is on another level.

This behavior is becoming worse, year after year and month after month.

Even though I say I will do better and although I have self-awareness about my problem, I inevitably do worse. And I have no excuse.

So, what is this issue, this problem, this conundrum that I speak of that I can’t seem to rid myself of in any permanent way?

No, it’s not going to bed too late, although that is definitely my next battle.

No, it’s not eating too late. I’ve finally overcome that by intermittent fasting even when I thought I could never go to bed hungry and it has made a difference in my health and wellbeing.

No, it’s not my lizard brain that just won’t quit. Though I have some bouts of ruminations, regular meditation and self-care practices have helped quiet my brain, and reduce negative self-talk.

Until now.

To be fair, although I am not giving myself much compassion at the moment because I started this article with the words : “Something is wrong with me?” I hope to end this therapeutic exercise with some saving grace.

The issue that I can’t seem to shake after many years, that is a huge stain on my character, that takes away marks and points in my credibility with friends, family and co-workers, that leaves me with constant guilt and frustration, that causes perpetual stress and worry, and that has cost me a lot in terms of missed opportunities, events, money and time, is my perpetual lateness.

Throughout my life, I’ve tackled tough mountains, explored intricate caves, biked along nerve-wracking cliffs with names like “Death Road,” soared through the air paragliding off mountains, leaped off cliffs, snorkeled alongside nurse sharks and whale sharks, and managed to survive medical school and residency in a hectic New York hospital. I’ve faced traumatic events, but somehow, being on time always seems like an impossible mission!

Why are some people chronically late? Unlike what most people believe, it’s important to recognize that being chronically late is not always a reflection of disrespect or a lack of consideration. For some, it’s simply a symptom of our unique approach to time management. While tardiness can be frustrating, let me share with you some reasons why some people may always be always late:

FOMO. One possible explanation for chronic lateness is the fear of missing out on opportunities or experiences. To compensate, some of us may tend to cram our schedules to the brim, filling every available moment with activities and commitments. This approach can make us feel perpetually behind, contributing to the tendency to run late.

CREATIVES. Another factor to consider is our creative nature. We often prefer to work on our own terms and stay up late into the night, tapping into inspiration when it strikes. We may not be fond of adhering to rigid schedules or conforming to societal norms.

RIGHT-BRAINed. Finally, those of us who are always late have a unique perspective on time. We overestimate how much time we have to get to an event. This might be tied to how our brains work. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s probably due to right-brain dominance. Right-brainers tend to focus on the big picture instead of getting caught up in the details.

To elaborate, right-brained individuals are typically more creative, intuitive, and holistic thinkers. They have a natural ability to see the world in a broader context and may not always be as attuned to the finer details. This can lead to a tendency to underestimate the amount of time it takes to complete tasks, as they may not fully consider all the steps involved.

Additionally, right-brainers may have a different perception of time itself. They may be more inclined to experience time as subjective and fluid, rather than as linear and rigid. This could contribute to their lateness, as they may not have a strong sense of urgency when it comes to meeting deadlines or appointments.

It’s important to note that not all late people are right-brain dominant. There may be other factors at play, such as personality traits, habits, or external circumstances. However, the connection between right-brain dominance and lateness is an interesting one that warrants further exploration.

I can relate to almost all of this. I am a creative, a night owl, right-brained dominant (I’m left-handed), I have an overinflated concept of time, and I do tend to over schedule myself because I am a people pleaser.

How a book changed my perspective on lateness

I was reading this book, and one part of it finally made me understand my problem in a way that no other article, joke, story, or book ever had. It pointed out another important piece of the puzzle that I had never seen before, and it made so much sense that I thought about it for a long time.

What the author shared was that he realized when he was running late, he experienced a feeling.

That feeling was a tightness in his chest behind his ribcage and in front of his heart, as well as heart palpitations. Also, his stomach was in knots. This is akin to the feeling of a mild panic or being very nervous. This is not a pleasant feeling. But it is a familiar feeling to many people.

But here’s the crazy part: the author mentioned, conversely, when he shows up early for something and has to hang around, or when he’s on time and the event runs late, he gets this weird feeling. It’s like a heavy weight was on his chest, in front of his ribcage, and he felt like his stomach was sinking.

AND I GOT IT.

This is the feeling I have also subconsciously been avoiding. It’s the feeling of boredom, and it’s way worse than the tightness in my chest, the racing heart, and the knots in my stomach that I get when I’m late. Being early and having to wait literally fills me with dread.

The thought of being at an airport two hours before a flight makes me want to vomit.

It’s not like I don’t have enough entertainment options. I’ve got a ton of books on my Kindle, audiobooks on Audible and Spotify, and podcasts and music galore. Plus, I love watching people and browsing stores to read bits of new books, try on perfumes, and sample fancy lotions and potions.

I’ve spent countless hours killing time in airports when I had no choice, so I know how to waste time effectively. But the thought of intentionally planning to be bored makes me cringe.

So, even though I don’t like feeling anxious, it’s a feeling I know how to deal with because I’m so used to it.

Also, because my brain thinks time goes by slower than it actually does, I always underestimate how much time I’ll need to get somewhere. Ultimately, I’d rather be a few minutes late than risk feeling bored by being there too early.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but when I really think about why we do or don’t do things, and why we want certain things, I realize that what we’re really after is a feeling.

Whether we want money, a partner, a family, a certain job, fame, or even a pet, what we really want is a feeling. If we figure out what feeling we’re really after, we might be able to find it in something else that’s more in line with our values.

In my case, I was trying to avoid a certain feeling — dread. And maybe I was also looking for a little bit of excitement. But since we’re more motivated by avoiding pain than by seeking pleasure, I guess I was more focused on avoiding dread than feeling excited.

At any rate, today, I found myself subconsciously “avoiding” that feeling again when I had to catch a flight.

My budget-friendly flight was, not surprisingly, delayed twice.

Fortunately, the airline informed us in advance. Since the original flight was very early, I was actually ecstatic to be able to go back to sleep given the three-hour delay.

I was planning on taking the train, which was a half mile walk away and a twenty minute ride to the airport. I planned to leave about 1.5 hours before the flight. I had no luggage to check in and I already checked in online. I have TSA pre-check, so arriving one hour prior to departure was plenty of time.

But right when I was going to leave , I received another text from the airline that the flight was delayed another 20 minutes. I sighed.

Common sense should have made me leave for the airport at the moment, anyways. But at this point, 3 delays made me realize there may be a 4th and the thought of waiting around for hours at the airport filled me with, you got it, dread. My incoming flight was delayed 4 hours so my PTSD signals were strong.

I put my bag down, made some coffee and sat down on the couch to read a chapter of an interesting book for about 20 minutes, waiting to see if there were further updates from the airline.

There were none, so I decided to leave for the airport.

Right when I was leaving, of course I did last minute checks, then I decided to purchase the book that I started to read for my Kindle so I can read on the plane because it was so good, and in my rush, my bracelet with many beads broke.

Finally, I had to finagle with the lockbox to put the spare keys inside and that took 5 plus minutes. Then I walked the wrong way to the train station because that was the way I walked the day before for the train.

By the time I made it to the train platform, slightly out of breath from power walking in 90 degrees, I tried to top-up my metro card and I missed the train, not realizing that I already had credit on my metrocard from the day before. The next train was 8 minutes away.

The train then stopped on the tracks a few miles away from the airport for several minutes, awaiting a signal.

At this point, my heart was pounding in my chest, white I kept refreshing the flight-aware website to monitor for more delays, hoping for more this time.

There were none.

And in fact, the website showed the flight was scheduled to depart 5 minutes sooner than planned. Expletives ran through my mind.

I was doing mental calculations on how I’ll sprint through that airport and wondering if the gate closes 15 minutes or 10 minutes before departure. By that time, I was already Googling other one-way flights, beating myself up mentally. I had 3 whole extra hours!! What is wrong with me?!

By the time I made it to Chicago O’Hare Airport, it was 10:11am for a flight that was supposed to depart at 10:31am. (Original departure 7:20am).

I bolted the train’s double doors. Ran up the escalator. Turned right and followed the signs to terminal 3.

I ran towards more escalators. Power walked to catch my breath. Found the TSA checkpoint but it wasn’t TSA Precheck. I had to walk back about 500 feet to get to the TSA Precheck. I zoomed through Precheck but first had to guzzle 16 ounces of lemon water that I forgot to sip casually on the train like I planned, since I was glued to my phone checking the time, too nervous to drink.

At that point, it was 10:18am.

I followed the signs to the gate and of course, I had to pass gates 1 through 9 to get to gate L10.

I intermittently ran and power walked what felt like miles to catch my breath, and just then my boobs popped out of my non-sports bra in my long mumu dress from pounding the pavement and jumping the stairs too hard.

I used my neck pillow to hide my chest and I continued running towards my gate. I dreaded seeing an empty gate, as agents stand there waiting to tell latecomers the bad news: “Sorry, the gate is closed.”

I was still hoping, since the flight was delayed 3 hours, they would still be boarding passengers.

It was now 10:22am.

As I approached my gate, pushing my way through another queue boarding for another city, I spotted my gate and heaved a large sigh of relief.

They were still boarding, with about 20 people still in the queue.

I quickly joined the back of the queue feeling like the luckiest girl alive, trying to catch my breath, while wiping sweat off my drenched body.

At this point, I’m coughing and heaving from what felt like a 1.5 mile walk/run from the train to the gate in a total of 12 minutes.

I readjusted my boobs in my bra, hoping no one noticed but not caring if they did.

During the flight, I found myself reflecting on my perpetual tardiness. Despite observing others around me seemingly calm and collected, I couldn’t help but feel an adrenaline rush coursing through my body and mind, as if I just had an out-of-body experience.

Instead of continuing the book that I started in Chicago which made me late, I decided to write this article. I realized that my tendency to be late has had a negative impact on my life for far too long.

And now I know why: I wanted, so much, to avoid the feeling of dread and boredom. But was it worth it?

There is a high probability that I would have missed that flight. And based on my search, another flight to my destination would have cost several hundred dollars more. A cheaper flight would mean long connections. And I’d also miss a concert I planned to attend that evening, which is why I changed my original flight to an earlier flight to begin with. This would disappoint everyone involved including myself.

This isn’t life. This can’t be life. There has to be a better way.

Implementing change takes practice

As I’m writing this, we are about to land in Dallas. My heart rate has normalized. My coughing has stopped. I’ve peed three times from all the water I guzzled.

What is the better way? I don’t yet have all the answers. But here’s a start:

In the future, I’m gonna change my perspective on waiting. Instead of seeing it as a dreadful and boring experience, I’ll embrace it as an opportunity to be more mindful and present. If I find myself having to wait, I’ll take advantage of that time to practice meditation. Waiting is a privilege, after all. To keep myself entertained, I’ll carry a book or use headphones to listen to an audiobook. That way, I can look forward to waiting and even use the time to catch up on some reading.

On the flip side, I’m gonna be way stricter on myself when it comes to being late. I’m making it a rule that being late is unacceptable, unless there’s a totally unavoidable reason. I’m tired of being the person who always keeps people waiting, so it’s time for a change.

And that starts with doubling the time I think I’ll need to get ready or to get somewhere. This will allow for last minute eventualities such as: Traffic. My being a klutz. Not having a great sense of direction. Or suddenly getting a strong urge to empty the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, cycle an extra ten minutes, or take a nap right when it’s time to get ready.

Too many big important people have missed out on big important opportunities or major events by being perpetually late.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

This is not just about being late or on time; it’s about understanding the underlying motivations behind our behavior and how it impacts our lives.

For those of us who tend to be latecomers, it’s like we’re chasing a certain feeling — a rush of adrenaline, a sense of control, or perhaps a way to avoid confronting deeper issues. It’s not just about being disorganized or forgetful; it’s often a reflection of our emotions and mindset.

But here’s the good news: just as our brains can form bad habits, they can also create new, healthier ones. The key is to understand why we’re late and then consciously work on changing our behavior which in turn transforms the way we see ourselves.

It’s like a chronic dieter who keeps gaining weight because they never address the root causes of their obesity nor change their identity to a fit person rather than just being an obese person trying to become skinny. Similarly, we can’t expect to become punctual overnight if we don’t understand and address the underlying reasons for our tardiness.

As the renowned author of Atomic Habits, James Clear, suggests, changing our identity is the most effective way to make a habit stick. It’s not about becoming someone who’s always on time; it’s about embracing a new identity that aligns with our values and goals. When we see ourselves as punctual individuals, we’re more likely to behave accordingly.

For me, this transformation may not happen overnight. I will continue to have moments of tardiness as I begin the process of changing the feelings I assign to being late and in turn transform my identity to a punctual person. But I’m giving myself grace, knowing growth is not linear. But it starts somewhere.

I’m wrapping up writing this article while strolling through the DFW airport after a smooth two-hour flight and a safe landing.

It’s a gorgeous warm August day in Dallas. I feel relaxed and grateful. Today could have turned out very differently. I would still be in Chicago, waiting for another flight, and I would have lost a few hundred dollars and perhaps missed the concert.

This calm feeling beats the panicked rush of being late and missing out any day.

I can still go on adventures to hike mountains, explore caves, skydive, swim with scary sea creatures, learn to scuba dive, maybe even bungee jump, even apply for a fellowship or open up my own practice if I’m looking for an adrenaline rush.

Racing against time in my daily life doesn’t have to add to the thrill.

But hold up, let’s talk about you. Are you always on time or do you have a tendency to run late? If you’re always punctual, do you get annoyed when people show up late? And for those of you who are chronically late, how does that make you feel? Is it something you want to change or are you comfortable with it?

Share your thoughts, experiences, and insights and follow me for more of my musings on life. Let’s get this conversation rolling!

This is my very first story on Vocal, but I also write on Medium where you can follow my publication to get notified when I publish. Check it out at https://medium.com/she-writes-she-travels.