The Patterns In My Life

I've always been a pattern-seeker in life. Often times I wish I was a life-seeker, as that would at least feel useful in the traditional fall-in-line and do-as-your-told sort of world...

This is a memoir? or perhaps a string of memories? Whatever this is, I hope that you're reading it because perhaps you might be able to help me and I might be able to do the same. I'm sort of a mystery, it's in my nature to provide questions instead of answers, even though I have answers burrowed deep within me at all times. For example, I think (why do I think?? Shouldn't I just know?!) that I actually can help people, and I think (again I should know this...) I actually DO help people.

I feel so unknown and nervous of the public eye, as if I'm going to become a suspect to some criminal case. The truth is I'm a dangerous criminal. I've been charged on multiple accounts. Sometimes these crimes are in the form of a question, other times they're in the form of a statement. But either way, both the statement and the question are in there. That may sound confusing, but here have a look.. I shouldn't even be speaking, but by typing this to the world in the first place, my stay-off-the-grid mission will be compromised, and the authorities will come to arrest me. Some of the cases that will get pulled from my file if I type this to the world are:

Case#3327: Is Son Nguyen even his real name?

Case#4734:Is Son Nguyen even a good person? Why I should listen to him?

Case#6395: Stop wasting everyone's time Son.

Case#0043: Son is being a Nuisance again.

Case#0009: Attention Seeker. Go to the corner.

Every case I have is a part of me, and the offense is unique to the particular case. For Case#0009, Offense#0009 is: "go to the corner," and under that section there are a list of over 70 cases(and counting) to look over before receiving a specific punishment. For example, depending on HOW MUCH attention I was seeking, I might go to the corner for 30 minutes, or an hour, or two hours. Or if I'm over the age of 15, "the corner" becomes "boot camp", so the "Offense #" may change depending on if that's the case.

As you can see, I'm full of so many cases I can't even keep track of them all. I don't even know if the case will go noticed, or if nobody sees anything and I'm in the clear.

The issue is... I've noticed a pattern. There's this pattern where, depending on who it is that sees certain cases, may view it as a blessing or a curse. If it's a curse, I'm treated with the usual punishment. But if it's a blessing... for some reason, I'm told that I'm innocent and that I've done nothing wrong. And look, I know that sounds crazy, but.. here, just check this out.

After someone told me that in Case#4734, that the answer WASN'T "of course he's bad! He's evil incarnate," I tried to prove them wrong by showing them Case#0333 where I verbally attacked someone. They answered that even though everyone makes mistakes, that case I mentioned is actually called "crying and running away". With each case that people view as a "blessing", I get more confused and unsure of what to make of the whole thing. If the cases didn't even provide real answers, what was the point of them? And it goes against the first, but most important, case:

Case#0000: Every case is right, and everyone else is wrong. Please see manual below: OR just ask one of the authors: mom, dad, "white" people, anyone who agrees with society, anyone else who occasionally gives you this manual's version of 'the answer' where it involves YOU being wrong or bad in some way, anyone who justifies punishing you for any reason what-so-ever. Love, mom

The cases are created with age (meaning case #0000 was around the time I was born, and case #9401 was around the time I turned twelve), and there's even decimal cases, like zero point zero zero zero three five (case#0.00035).... It breaks down infinitely, and I don't have access to the files unless I can remember them the EXACT moment they're told. So it's kind of like playing a game you've never played before, and you have to learn the rules as you go. I've tried to remember all of them, but sadly I'm only able to remember about 10,000 cases or so at a time. And even then I can't recite them all by memory, I'll only be able to point another case out if I remember it, or if I can't point it out, sometimes I can when the punishment starts, or is already, happening. That's right, I sometimes don't even know if I've done a case, or if I've become a case, or if I am a case, until mid-way through the punishable offence. Then I have to figure backtrack, like "Okay, so THIS is happening.. why is this happening again?.... c'mon brain, think you stupid robotic thing.... Ah, that's right this is happening because... it could be because of one of hundreds of cases! Which one is it.. Ugh come on, figure it out you nuisance.. If you take too long you'll be seeking attention, and that's another case, so hurry up!". Once I backtrack enough and figure it out, I almost always get interrupted by a "blessing". These annoying things pop up, and basically tell me I've wasted all my time backtracking and figuring out the case, because instead I'm given "the answer". Apparently, the answer is "I'm" wrong. That's right, the "I'm" that's written on the author list in my manual. It's a confusing nickname, but "I'm" is referring to whenever a person thinks "Son Nguyen is a good person" or "beautiful" or any other "positive fairy-tale answer". So let's say someone named Sally says that Son Nguyen is a good person. Then Sally is "I'm" and so "Sally is wrong". I know that's confusing, but trust me it really comes in handy for whenever the situation changes and someone else says the same thing. Then I can just remember that THAT person is wrong too.

But I've noticed another pattern in life, besides these "blessings"... And the other pattern is that these "blessings" make me feel very happy. They make me feel like it's right.

UGH but again, the cases!! You have to look at the cases!! Case#444 specifically lays out how anytime I feel joy from within that it's leading back to Case#0009 where I'm seeking attention, and a number of other cases to prove that feeling wrong. Any case at all just to push me down, and shove me in a box, it feels wrong.. Ah, sorry I said that I'm not supposed to think that. Let me try this again.

That's right, patterns I've been noticing. So let's just forget that last pattern, it's too risky. Another pattern I've noticed is that the more I remember the cases, the more stupid they sound. And the more I just have it as subconscious knowledge, the more numb to it I feel- woops I mean, the "stronger" I become.

SO! Another pattern I've noticed is... I'm a broken record, all I do is repeat patterns and "facts", or I repeat "opinions," or whatever. I just do the same things over and over again. And that includes this pattern where I "try something new". I do that a lot.

In fact, that's what led me here. It led me to a pattern where I just want to forget about myself, and let myself reveal who I am gradually over time. It might start with me making a scene, or it might start with me venting, or it may even start with me just introducing myself and hoping I can someday make it to the next step of revealing who I am. This is all so new to me (writing), so let's start with that small basic step where I combine them all into one lol (where I make a scene by sharing my inner dialogue, I start venting by showing you my sarcasm through my mental world, and right now where I just scratch all that and re-introduce myself).

Hi, my name is Son Nguyen. I want to start writing, but I don't know if I'll write something that is even eligible, or interesting, or good. But I will try my best, and I hope as you get to know me that you come to enjoy both my writing and me.

Sincerely,

Son