the pale angel

The barren nights seemed emptier these days. Life was heavy and discomforting, and the woman had become a shell of her former self. Struggling with insomnia, lying uncomfortably on a messy bed, she simply stared out the open windows’ gaping black hole into a moonless night. The woman seemed not to care for the freezing cold the open passage blasted at her. She thought it to be relevant and resonating with her current mood. Sadness radiated from her. She silently cried and held herself for comfort. “How could I be this lonely?”, she questioned. The torrent of existential pain bared down as if she carried the weight of the world, which in a way, she did. She noticed a solitary star peek out from under rolling dark clouds. In the void of color in the dismal night, it was pretty and sympathetic, and seemed to appear just for her purpose. So, she forced herself up off the bed, stuck her head out the window and peered into the night at the twinkling light. A single tear rolled down her cheek, dripped off her chin, leaving a trail across her cheek that chilled quickly in the windy, winter night. She gathered her composure, took a shaky breath, and whispered up to the heavens, “Starlight, starbright, first star I see tonight. Wish I may, wish I might, please grant this wish I wish tonight?”.

Wishing a small gesture of hope to the sky felt odd. It was a silly child’s gesture that used to bring her such magic growing up. It was something she had not done in so long. Now, it seemed almost pathetic, and made her feel more forlorn than ever. She prodded herself out loud, “Me, wishing? I may as well give up all hope! Afterall, how I could I be this lonely?”!

Saddened all over again, she felt ashamed of the feeble attempt at wishing for wellness. A bit irritated, not knowing what else to do and needing a vent for emotion she could hardly take any longer, she yelled out into that impenetrable veil of night with a cracked voice swelled with hurt, “WHY??”!

As she was turning back towards the bed, a faint, small voice answered back, “Youuuu”. She quickly glanced in the direction of the voice, but nothing was there. Did I just hear someone? “Hello?”, she called. Silence. She thought to weep again, but her emptiness left nothing else to bring forth. She thought, this is madness! I am imagining things and the things I imagine don’t even want to stick around to chat. How could I be this lonely?? Just as she was about to slam shut the window, the voice came a little clearer, “Youuuuuu-Youu”.

I did hear a voice! Even if it is imagined, going for a look could kill some time, and help clear my head, she thought. Weary but unable to succumb to sleep, she draped a shawl snugly around her shoulders and dredged out into the early morning gloom. Not caring that she was searching for a voice in her head, she headed out to the old trail winding into the woods beside the garden, the direction from which the voice had come. Settling herself into a log bench, she realized this used to be her sanctum, but sadly, she had not been here in such awhile that vines were attempting to take the spot back to nature. Feeling even more melancholy that such a peaceful place of restitute had been so neglected, she tidied up the place, questioning desperately how her life had gotten so out of control. Almost immediately, the voice, nearer this time, spoke again, “Youuu- yoouuu”.

Not wanting to let the chance slip by, she spoke clearly into the sable scene. “Hello? Are you there?” Nothing but the mournful wind replied. A tide of sorrow swelled, and the familiar tickling in her nose start creeping up towards her swollen eyes. In desperation, she wailed into the darkness, “How?? How could my life come to this? I’m so alone and hurting!” The voice answered, “Youuuuuuu.”

She was startled by the implication of the immediate response. She gasped in fright and fled towards the house, towards her vices, her substances, her distractions, her place to hide from the world. The voice was close behind, chasing her, scaring her. She deplored, “Who are you? Why are you vexing me?” It replied, “Youuuu. YOUUUU.”

Nearing the front door, to the welcoming safety of isolation and white noise to drone out the sound of reason, she stumbled on the roots of a beloved oak tree, falling face first on the ground. She could not remember those roots ever sticking up. The wind began to wail louder, the bare branches chattering in the desolate winter gale, as if a thousand voices were all screeching her name at the same time. The night had turned other worldly! Terrified, she lay there still as possible, fully tormented and broken, listening, but unable to run any longer, until at last, she muttered into the dirt, “How could things come to this?” Vehemently provoked, the voice screamed back at her, “YOUUUUU!”

She mustered courage and flipped over to face the devil. There in the tree just above her line of vision was the most beautiful barn owl. Against the blackened ghastly night, its face glowed with light from within, looking so much an alabaster angel sent to save her soul than any could be.

She gazed in wonder at the owl. It glared right back with yellow eyes boring into her soul. At the same moment, she became aware the frightening sounds of before had mellowed back into the night and had been replaced with a chorus of angelic harmony. The owl wasn’t monstrous, but ethereal and divine. She felt warm all over. Her earlier despair had drained away. She had been bestowed a virtuous gift. This was meaningful! She breathed the crisp air deep into her lungs and calmed her fears, while still staring at the portentous apparition. It sat silent as stone, and still as the grave. She spoke low, afraid of scaring the creature away. “Who are you? Why have you come?”.

As if coming from everywhere and everything, a single, crucial word penetrated her senses, significantly relevant. “You.” In sudden realization, tears came flooding out again, but not the bleak tears born of melancholy and lament as before, but rapturous tears filled with understanding and joy. As the despondence fleeted away, she fully reflected how her perspective had closed off all reasoning of peace, content, and happiness. When the tears dried up and she could see clearly again, she searched for the good spirit to show appreciation for the celestial message, but it was gone. A lone white feather drifted down to land upon her lap. She picked it up and held it to her heart, whispering to the lightening sky, “Thank you!”. She sat there a long time, basking in the hope of a new life, a new way of thinking, and soaking in the wisdom that had blessed her in the dark of the moon.

As the sunrise started to paint the morning sky with surreal color, she soaked the beauty in and acknowledged and revered her new beginning. She would accept this offering of good will and enlightenment with grace and sincerity. She would be more positive. She would forgive all those who seemingly wronged her. She would apologize for her resentments. She would love again, not only herself, but the world and people in it. She would appreciate everything she had and worry not for the things she did not and knew that with that attitude she wouldn’t be lonely much longer. Already feeling more alive than she could remember, she lifted herself from the hallowed ground beneath the sheltering oak and headed back towards the house. Just before entering, she scanned the colorful horizon, hoping to see once more the harbinger of life. Pale wings were faintly visible in the kaleidoscope of morning hues headed into the sunrise until it vanished into the light.

From the heavens, a saintly call of “whoooo- whoooo?” filled the air. She smiled to herself. “Me. Yes, I get it.”