The Other Side of Me

I’ve spent the last seven years of my life healing from all that I’ve been through. I’m the teenage parent that struggled. I’m a girl who has been sexually and physically abused. I’m the girl whose mother and father were heavy drug users throughout the most important years of my life. But now I’ve awakened from my victimizing coma. I can maneuver through life easier. I know the good signs in life and the bad. I’m ready for championship in my life. I can see the process so clearly in my head. Get out and meet someone nice and let the universe do its work.

Take a chance for once, you never take chances. I keep hearing these words replay in my mind. I followed my intuition, not really knowing what to expect.

His picture causes a pause in my finger. It’s something about his eyes that won’t let me look away. I feel like I know him from somewhere. I scan my brain searching for lost thoughts of forgotten people. I’ve never met him, but his eyes say I know him. It’s just something about him that demands my attention

It didn’t take long for the meet and greet. I sat across from him over lunch. I love how his beard fills the bottom of his face perfectly. I listen to him as he tells me his position. He has things going on in his life. He has goals that he’s striving to reach. He owns multiple businesses that he runs. He’s on his grind right now and he’s just looking for a friend.

I can deal with this. I also have dreams and goals that I want to reach. We talk for hours. He tells me where he wants to be in life. I talk about what I’ve been through throughout my life. Before I knew it, I was sleeping in his bed.

His energy makes me want to push harder. His presence demands my respect. His demeanor makes me want to submit. His words constantly say I support your goals and what you want. Then it happened. I caught feelings for a man that clearly told me where he stood in his life.

My body drips selfishness. I want to see him every day now. I want to talk to him every day. I want all his attention. Finally, the universe has placed my eyes on something good. I have pressed the life button and I am ready to live. I want it and I refuse to let it go.

He stopped texting me as often as he did before. I got mad. I sent random texts of emotional outbursts. I told him he’s selfish, inconsiderate and I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I disrespected him and he cut me off.

That quick he stabbed me with the words, lose my number! In that moment I realized that I’m not in control like I've always had to be in my life. And guess what, he’s not going to allow me to control his.

My epiphany is too late. I replay the events leading to this moment in my head. I thought about how his energy rejuvenates me. His determination and strength charge my base chakra.

I tell myself over and over that he will be back. All that amazing sex I was giving him, he will defiantly come back.

He didn’t come back.

I can’t turn this feeling of hurt off. I convince my mind that this is his fault. I have been through too much. I don’t deserve to be ignored. I have given him so much attention. He is what I want.

Maybe I’m not what he wants. My line of disrespect gave him a way out from me. I don’t want this to be over. I want something different in my life, therefore something different must be done. An apology must come from somewhere.

“I’m sorry, I hated the way things ended between us.” My words over a text that he did not respond to. I reach out again. Finally, he responds

We picked up right where we left off, yet he’s even busier than he was before. I would go months at a time trying to see him. I’m busy is what he would say or I’m working. He’s still full of himself. Why did I revisit this place with him? Why can’t I move forward and let this go? What is it about him?

The time between us allowed me to move on. I don’t text as much. I put my focus back on myself. I’m telling you right now that if he reaches out, I’m going in on him. (Angry female rule 101)

He texted; he wants to see me. Everything in me is saying, just go see him. My pride and everything I have been through won’t let me do it. I got to flip out. I need him to feel what I’ve been feeling for months. My words flow like rain with the intent of making him realize that he’s inconsiderate and selfish.

Then it came, something that I was not expecting. His response to me.

You always play the victim! His words cut deep into the essence of who I am. I don’t know how to respond. I don’t have any words left. I let him go because of my hurt. Why would he say that to me? Now the word victim has branded my life once again. I ask myself the hard question. Am I always playing the victim?

Yes, I have. I introduced myself to him by letting him know I’ve been through a lot. I expected him to feel moved by my triumph of overcoming many trials in my life. I continue to walk in the residue of who I use to be. My heartbreaking story is always present and ready to discuss. For years I healed, but at this moment, I realize that I’ve never let go of the things that I have been through. I use them as a crutch, getting me nowhere fast. I’ve built a wall of sob stories and repeating bad memories.

I finally let go.

The other side of me has awakened. The side that wants to be known for where I’m going, not where I’ve been. I listen to her as she speaks softly from my crown chakra into every part of me.

Hello Queen, I’ve been waiting for you. Are you ready?

“Yes, I am!”

I swallow my pride and reach out to him. I want to wish him the best in life. I’m not expecting anything from him. My words are sincere.

He wants to see me.

One last time I take the ride to him. I walk in and embrace him. We sit on the couch and talk. Every goal that he had for his life has been achieved. He has superseded every expectation of what he wants. All because he didn’t let anyone stop him.

Now I see him for who he is, not for who I want him to be. I’m ready for ownership of who I am. The other side of me has taken over. He has inspired me to start my own business. He taught me how to invest my money and make money. He showed me how to take shots. Now I have his attention because I speak his language. I match his grind.