The Other Side of Fear

Hi everybody! My name is Krystal, I am turning 40 this year and up until 2017 my life was, for the most part, everything I had ever wanted and worked for. I had my kids, two young men who are now 20 and 17; my own place, an apartment, but it was perfect for the three of us; my fur babies, two miniature schnauzers and two kitties; my career, a certified veterinary technician for 16 years; my car, nothing fancy, but it was freedom.

Then after a bad break up, my mental health started deteriorating and I stopped trusting myself, resulting in the loss of almost everything. Not just a bad break up, but I had completely immersed myself in this relationship for 12 years. My heart and soul were wrapped up in it completely and he was my best friend. I gave everything I had until he said no more. No more relationship, no more friendship, no more contact. And then, I had no more. No more to give. I don't know if any of you reading this knows what that actually does to our psyche and our body, but I was destroyed, just destroyed. There are no better words than that. I was just a shell of existence in some human form or another after that.

Trauma has always been a part of my life. To the point where I just figured it was normal. I mean, we all had crappy childhoods, right? What I didn't realize what that I was living my life through my trauma. Every decision that I made and every decision that I didn't make was based around my traumas.

I kept looking for the next band-aid to place over my wound and that led me down a rabbit hole of bad decisions that I've now had to forgive myself for. I'm only human. That's not an excuse to make bad decisions, just a reality check once they've been made. I can't do anything to change the past, but I can learn from them, implement that and move forward, which is exactly what I am doing now.

One of the things that I'm realizing, is that I was just going through the motions of my life, but not really living. I mean, once a year, taking my kids on an extravagant vacation was me living. Not to say that wasn't great, I lived for those times, but why wasn't I living for the other times as well? I didn't find satisfaction in my career anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love helping people and their animals, but the grind was monotonous and that got boring. I wasn't being challenged anymore, but I also didn't realize I needed to be challenged. My kids and I had gotten to a peaceful place. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but comfort doesn't equal growth. How was I going to keep growing if every time I got to a comfortable spot, I just decided to live there?

December of 2019 was my awakening, when I chose to save myself from yet another toxic relationship. Since then I have been on this incredible spiritual self love healing journey. I am very thankful for everything that I have and everything I have been through because without it, I couldn't be right here, right where I am at this very moment. I don't have it all figured out, but I'm learning that it's more about the journey and less about the destination. Comfort AND fear kept me from growing. So I am stepping out of my comfort zone and into the unknown, hoping to help others along the way.