The Healing Bench

She seemed to just stare off into the distance. What was she thinking about so deeply that her river of thoughts seemed to catch me in its current? She seemed tired but well put together, nonetheless. Her hair fell around her face in curled rebellion and yet it worked so charmingly on her soft feminine features. Her skin was deeply tanned with a reddish undertone. She wore a sage green camisole and denim shorts with a white cardigan. In her hands, I could see a black notebook and a pen, but she seemed to be working through her next words in her mind before she commits them to paper. The sun was bright, and the scenery appeared particularly vivid today. I just had a good feeling, but I'm not sure why. Things honestly hadn't been going very well lately.

I have spent so much time inside the house over the last several months. You see, I lost my husband over a year ago, and grief makes you do strange things at strange times. For a while, my friends and family, bless them, have tried everything they could think of to console me. While I am eternally grateful for their effort, I also knew that I could not have come off as very receptive to their generosity. I've been showered with gifts and inspirational materials. They offer me their time and their shoulder, but nothing could fill the pit in my chest left behind by my late husband.

The sun felt so nice. After breakfast and coffee this morning, I decided I could use a little fresh air. I have rarely left the house over the last seven and a half months because it is just so hard to come home to an empty house. We never had children. We are in our late 30's and we opted to live a life experiencing the Earth and being one of her children instead. I have eaten myself alive wondering if I should have let myself get pregnant so that I have a part of him still here with me. It hurts knowing I might not have made the right decisions while he was here and that I didn't make the most of it. Sometimes I wonder if I've rendered my survival pointless because of it. Yet, today, I woke up feeling something different. I'm not sure what, but something.

After breakfast, I decided to put a pair of shorts on and a light cardigan, grab my sunglasses, and voluntarily walk out of my own house and walk to a nearby park. I live in a nice area where there are lots of trees and greenery, but not so much that you lose the vivid blue of the sky. I have always felt safe here. My husband did everything he knew how to protect me and make sure I was never in harm's way. The park is fairly large. There are expansive and slightly hilled grass areas, sandy pits with play equipment for children, and lots of concrete that attracts roller skaters from a pretty large radius away. There was a circular-shaped area with benches for people to sit and rest, and that is where I landed upon arriving at the park.

Suddenly she seemed to notice me staring at her and it jarred me into noticing that I was indeed staring at her. How long had I been staring? I hope she doesn't think I'm some kind of creep. Her river of thought seemed to push me down my own river and when she made eye contact with me I felt like she somehow knew that.

"Is it just me or do all the colors seem extra saturated today?" she asked me, coolly. I think she could tell I was just dazed out.

"Oh yeah, I was actually just thinking about that. I figured it was probably because I don't get out much. I'm not used to seeing much beyond my TV lately, but there must be something special." I lifted the sunglasses off my eyes and set them on top of my head. Even more light traveled through my eyes and into my brain than a moment ago, and I was shocked once again by how vivid everything truly was. "So, are you a poet?"

She noticed me glancing at the black notebook in her hand. She smiled and shook her head a little bit. Her caramel curls bouncing around her face as she did so. I wondered if she realized how beautiful she was.

"You know, I like to write but I don't know if I would consider myself a poet. I come out here to think a lot. One day I realized that some of the thoughts I have are quite deep and so I started bringing this to jot them down in the moment. I don't know if I'm realizing things that other people haven't already realized, but they sure strike me as profound!" She looked at me with her honey tone eyes and lightly chuckled as she tapped the book upon her temple.

"I could use some profound thoughts right about now. Things haven't been going all that well lately.." I stopped myself before dumping my whole story on her. I wish I could just think of anything else from time to time, but it always leads back to him. She looked down with her eyes at her book and looked over at me without turning her head. I could tell she was thinking about whether or not to share some of her thoughts with me. After a moment, she drew in a deep breath and let out a slightly nervous sigh. She opened the book as if she were looking for a specific page. The woman thumbed through the pages as she scanned her notes until she came upon something specific.

"Here, I think you might like this one. I hope so. I know I like to repeat this one to myself fairly often." She extended the book to me and I took it from her with a smile on my face. It felt so strange.

"Healing isn't a place you arrive to. Healing isn't a feeling you have and suddenly you know you are healed. Healing is the name of a path you choose to walk down because you know you deserve so much more than the hurt going on inside you right now. Whatever happens in life- whether it be the mistakes we think or know we've made, or the effort we know we aren't taking to move on from a failed relationship or the grief we experience in losing someone close to us – the answer is always to choose to walk down the path of healing. There is no right or wrong way to heal. It's about placing yourself in a space of purpose, learning, and acceptance that nothing and everything is forever. The journey truly is and forever will be the destination."

Something about these words hit me in a very tender part of my heart. My lower lids and nose bridge began to sting with tears as I read her passage three times through to make sure I thoroughly absorbed the words. I turned to face the woman and extend the notebook back toward her, but she was gone.

I turned and scanned the entire park, but I could not find her unmistakable curls. I stood up and walked to scan from different perspectives to make sure none of the trees or equipment were obstructing my view of her, but she simply vanished. She left me with her notebook and my chest felt so warm. I read her paragraph one more time and I just wept so softly. It truly felt like that pit in my chest was not quite as deep as it was this time yesterday.

I ran the pages across my thumb and quickly noticed she left an unscratched lottery scratcher in the notebook. Immediately I closed the scratcher back inside the black notebook and began to walk home. As soon as I arrived home, I decided to have a seat at my kitchen table. I kept a cute little jar of loose change on the table as a centerpiece and I reached in to grab a quarter to use as my scratcher scratch. The feeling I get when I use my fingernails gives me the weirdest goosebumps, so I like to use a coin.

I could not believe my eyes. I lifted my head and looked upward with tears in my eyes once more. Looking back down I fully realized what I was looking at was a ten-thousand-dollar winning ticket. Normally my reaction would be screams of joy and excitement but all I could feel was peace. By now my eyes were so swollen from the tears, but it had been such a long time since my tears were sparked with joy. I felt inspired to give back to my husband and the community, and I knew these winnings would help me. I already had ideas coming to me from seemingly nowhere, but the first thing I want to do is erect a new park bench in my husband's name. I pray for more life-changing notebooks to find their way into the hands of people like me. I want to offer a healing bench of my own to the world.