The first steps

Hello me,

Last year was tough, the fear, the tension.

The tightness of your throat.

The slow recovering of your broken heart, to the dizziness of your head from the heat of the parking lot asphalt of the grocery store in the summer.

The lifting of the recyclabes from the bottle machine and the broken glass bins.

The disgusting messes of self centered and clumsy people, the rude voices ordering you around. you wanted out for years.

You were scared, stunted stuck from years of home insults, grudges. all becuase you went somehwere for fear of being hated.

The feeling inside there was really nothing for you despite there being more and just, surviving.

You lost your dog dying from abominal cancer in your arms going to the vet.

Your grandfather passed away. you knew this was coming but you still miss him so terribly even when he barely knew who you were. strapped in a chair in a home.

You were drained and tired, you felt isolated alone and sad. Then your foot started to hurt and you ignored it.

The pain in your legs getting so bad you could barely walk.

You went to the clinic, they sent you to the hospital.

Then the hospital told you you had blood clots in both legs gave you blood thinners 20 mgs a day twice daily.

You took them thinking within two weeks you'd be fine. That you'd get back to work.

That was really all the time your job would allow you. Though you did get a extension due to things.

You said you were on your period, they said it would'nt effect you.

Then that saturday came, you woke up exhausted you tried to sit up.

Your vision whited out, you ignored it thinking you were dehydrated and just got up to fast.

You went to shower your heart raced it was too hot, you whited out again you awoke pulling down the shower curtain.

you were sitting on the flor of the tub as the water ran down a blood clot under you.

You cleaned up as best you could still tired putting on a pad.

You dripped blood on the ground your mom got upset.

She was having guests over so you tried to clean it up.

You leaned against the frame of your door saying you were fine.

Mom asked if you were ok saying you looked pale.

You said you were fine. You've always been very pale to start with.

The next thing you knew you were on the ground on your side mom asking if you could hear her.

Luckily you could by some miracle you woke up, you vomited blood in your unconscious state .

Thankfully mom turned you to your side knowing you could have choked.

It was like waking from a dream you were fine otherwise.

No dizziness but still terrifying, you pray you'll never have to go through it again.

She called the hospital helped you change your bathrobe, and get you into clothes.

You saw rivulets of blood running down you legs to your heels. Your mother would later tell you you were grey in color when you collasped.

They brought you to the hospital put you to the side as you laid there hearing them tend to many elderly patients .

It was midday at the time, you were quiet and well behaved watching people and nurses come and go.

They checked your temerature and took you to a waiting room you sat there for hours as they kept an I.V. drip and blood bags.

They kept you in the gyno room till nine in the evening after checking you in your vagina.

It hurt when they checked it at first, there was a lot of blood. They had bed pads under you as you watched AMC movies.

They had to roll you from bed to bed, wiping the blood from your legs and body.

Your blood cell count was less then half it was supposed to be, every two hours a blood unit.

You were swtiched from room to room untill you were finally in a bed to sleep in.

You were in the hospital five days. They drew blood every few hours.

Body pads under you.you kept bending you monitor needle for you pulse. it would beep when you did.

You were never comfortable, you tossed and turned never getting good sleep and couldn't even stand on your own.

The beds were hard and hurt you just wnted to sleep.

You legs too from the blood clots which would later heal.

It was so hot and sweaty in you room. you hated that you couldnt even bathe.

Then the doctor came and told you had a large fibroid tumor. the only option was to have it removed along with your uterus.

Tears fell as you felt painted into a corner, you knew it was the right thing to do for yourself.

You went in were put under and didn't even notice , until you tried sitting up later on.

The pain in your cut stomach muscles was so bad night nurses had to help you pee. it hurt to lift your legs.

they were really nice to you, they gave you things to bathe with and never got upset if you needed to pee or wanted something to drink.

Then it hit you, you couldn't have kids. you were scare dof having them anyway.

But the option was gone now if you ever changed your mind.

The fact part of you was removed, it just took far to long to settle in.

You couldn't bend down for a long time or do anything strenuous . It drove you crazy you could only walk outside or pace.

ou were finally sent home to recover.

At the next check up you were told oyu had cancer cells in you fibroid it made you heart drop.

Tears fell form you eyes into the face mask seeping into it.

you mom cried she didnt know how to tell you you dad either. it wasnt fatal or anything just..scary .

Your sisters mental health worried you due to her fear and anxiety.

She lives alone in an aprtment in florida.

You still worry for her now and try to keep closer contact with her via online or phone.

She thought she was sick due to a skin reaction and thought she would make you sick and kill you.

You assured her nothing would happen. shes a good girl just very troubled. you heart aches for her.

You had to get a robotic surgery have your cervix removed.

You had to scrub down twice like prepping meat, no food empty belly.

The hospital itself was like a small city within itself as you walked through empty halls with proper protection.

You were in and out of consciousness from the Anesthesia .

But in the end you were ok.

Once again you had very attentive doctors and nurses.

The lady who did your surgery put her initials on your belly which was kind of funny.

You had four bits of tape on your to cover holes that needed to come together to close.

But you are cancer free after they checked your cervix.

The cells styed in your fibroid tumor nd didnt get any worse or anywhere else.

It was along year, but now you've made it. so her eis my advice to from yourself.

Get your license youve put that off for too long. Gather your courage to leave your job. It stunted your growth despite the good people there.

Show mom you can handle things. you can do it, i know you can.

The last year was rough but this year seems full of promise. Dont you disappoint me.

love, yourself

P.S. and get your fucking room cleaned up right!