The Day the Words Disappeared

Written words are my home. In a world that shifts and changes routinely, words remain a stable anchor in the storm. Writing provides me with clarity. The simple act of writing a list can take me from frantic to focused. As a student, my ability to write a paper outweighed my performance on a test. I produce some of my best professional work through written communication. Writing provides a creative outlet and enormous joy in my life. Until the day my words disappeared. It’s taken a year to restart the flow of words from my brain to my fingers. It is time to shut out the chaos and regain my voice.

Insane Inner Monologue

The internet informed me that 30-50% of people do not have an inner monologue. My first thought–That is definitely a mistake! People are walking around in the world with silence inside their brains. I refuse to believe this is a thing. How? Why did I have such an intense reaction to this idea? It is simple: my inner monologue never stops. There is no silence in my brain. Never! While I practice being present, active listening, sitting in silence; it is difficult because of the constant commentary. Writing helps me sort through all the random thought trains racing around in my head. It slows the world down.

Publishing My Thoughts

Writing was a path to good grades in school. It is a way to sort out ideas and make plans. It became a large part of my career, writing policies, procedures, and internal and external communication. Words with a purpose. Then, one wild day in 2019, I started a blog. In a curated world where everything looks perfect, why not share genuine emotions and the normal ins and out of faith, family, and food? The more I wrote, the more I wanted to write. I applied to an online publication and expanded my little corner of the internet. All the ideas speeding through my brain finally had a home.

And Then They Were Gone

Spitting out 500-1000 words was never hard. In college, I wrote massive papers in three to four hours. The never-ending river of words made online writing accessible. I could meet deadlines without blocking out hours of time. With little warning, the river dried up. My ideas became forced. What once took 20 minutes was taking hours. I hated what I was writing, and it all felt contrived. The joy was gone. On February 28, 2024, I resigned my position and closed my laptop. My words disappeared, and I walked away.

Chaos Everywhere I Turn

Creative work requires some level of Zen. I define my life as controlled chaos, but there is enough calm for my creativity to flow. Until the day there wasn’t. I no longer felt in control of my days, or hours, or even minutes. I’ve had rough times before. But the compiling power of the turmoil in this season is a different animal. It requires a different level of planning, thought, and energy. I don’t know why. It is my choice to listen to my body and do things differently. Sometimes the path takes a sharp turn, and you simply need to follow.

Regaining My Voice

My husband asks me, “Are you going to make it?” on a weekly basis. It’s his way of checking in, letting me know he can see I’m hanging on by a thread. My response, “Yep. It is the only option.” I learned that from my mom. Whatever the world throws at us, we can get through it. We might not know how; we just need to hold hands and move forward. Everything will be fine. We don’t know what that looks like at this moment, but there is time to figure it out. The glow at the end of the tunnel is that I want to write. Ideas are manifesting in my turbulent mind, and I want to express them.

Take Time to Pause

Every season of life is different. What works in one may not work in the next. It is beneficial to take time to pause and reevaluate your choices. To pause is not to quit. Your energy is finite. Preserve and use it where it is required. The demands of today will look different from tomorrow. If you set something on a shelf for this season, in the next, you either pick it up or remove it to make room for something new. For me, I am pleased that writing is back on the table. We will see how long and in what form. For now, welcome back to my little corner of the internet. Thank you for being here.