The big shift

I have always been a people pleaser, inclined to always do my best to make others happy, often ignoring my own needs to feel accepted and valued. I hate conflict and I want people to like me, so I just give in and they are happy, or I make decisions in line with what people expect of me. I avoid conflict with others, but I have been fighting myself my all life. Growing up I was the one left out because I couldn't stand up for myself. My voice was never heard, never taken into account, I learned to accept and follow, swallowing my pride, my tears, my anger, until I swallowed any self esteem left.

Even my job is to make people feel better, I work hard to get all the tension out of their sore muscle, restore their posture and educate them on how to keep their bodies as pain free as possible. I am providing a much valued service and get a lot of gratitude for this, but I am left physically tired and achy for trying too hard to please. Don't get me wrong, I love that I am able to help these people feel better, and if anything this career path has helped me get some self esteem back, because I can see the results of my work; but even this career was suggested to me because :"you have good hands and you like to help people, you would make a great massage therapist!".

I am not saying that I want to give it up all together, but in the last few month I came to realize that I should give my needs and wants more weight and start looking after myself the way I look after others. After all I am the most important person in my life. So, today with these words I am making a pledge that, I will honour and respect my needs as much as I respect other people's needs, I will to be as kind to myself as I am to others, and I will do something nice for myself every day.

This might be hard, I have tried in the past and have failed, I have let the pressure from my environment take over, I have always found it easier to commit to others than to myself. I have always let others eat away my me time, which has led to exhaustion and depression in the past. I feel stronger this time and I know I can do it, this story is the proof. I have been writing and wanting to share my stories for years but never dared to. Why? Because of what others may think or say, because it might reveal too much of who I am, and destroy the person I grew up to be for the world. Or maybe I was not talented enough and no one would to read my stories? Or maybe I didn't deserve to be heard or seen?

This mindset and self talk have shifted recently, I have come to accept that the most important thing is not what others may think or say, the most important is the joy I get from the things I do. I am ready for a fresh start, ready to support myself into finding out who I am and making myself happy, 2021 is the year I will find my bliss and re invent my life around it. I don't know yet how big the changes might be, but I am very excited to allow myself to finally be in charge.