The A Team

Let’s see how far you get this time. You’ll probably quit as soon as you start. Ha! Why bother even trying. Just sit on the couch. It’s all you are good at. Rewatch that season for the 3rd time instead of being productive, it’ll get done later. Ok this time you mean business - march on! Or not. Why are you so fat? Maybe stop eating so much. Life would be easier if you were skinnier. You worked out today? Should have done more after eating that burger. You should play some guitar. You haven’t picked it up in awhile, but that’s probably a good thing since you’re so bad at it.

These are the words from my best friend, my worst enemy. She sits comfortably in the dark spaces of my mind. When she gets quiet, I get nervous. Am I doing the right thing? I ask. She always knows better. I nourish her until she is strong enough to control my thoughts and emotions again. It feels like home. 

But I am tired of being at home. I am tired of staying in all the time. I turn to each wall in the house hoping to see something different.

If you don’t change, you’re not going to see change.

I heard this after I finished a YouTube work out from the trainer leading the class. Such a simple thing to say but so hard to follow. I pondered on my yoga mat for a bit.

My whole life I have set out for change but I have never, ever followed through. I have always started, did the bare minimum hoping to see radical change. When I didn’t see change, I blamed whoever I asked for help, decided I was right all along that it wasn’t possible, and went on my way. This cycle is toxic.

It’s toxic to me, my health, and my relationships.

It has to stop. Today.

I decided I really have to sit down with myself and figure out what REALLY is going to make me happy. But to do that, I needed to start with the one thing that puts me down on a daily basis.

Do you want to be skinny?

No because it shouldn’t matter what I look like, but secretly yes.

Why do you secretly want to be skinny?

I think I will feel prettier, and more confident.

For yourself or other people?

Both, but I want other people to see.

Why other people?

I want to be noticed and accepted.

I couldn’t believe this is what it boiled down to. Being noticed. Being accepted. This has been the root of so many difficulties in my life. Why do I feel the need to be noticed? Noticed by who? Is it the same reason I keep my social media profiles open and not private?

All of my exes, all of my ‘friends’ growing up who commented on my appearance in a negative way - I have this need to be skinny for them. Or be doing the right things in my life for them. I have been complimented by many on my appearance, my abilities, but they don’t matter. What matters to me is the people who didn’t see it before. I need them to know that I am prettier, happier (not even close), or doing well for myself now. I need anyone and everyone to think that.

Everything I have done in my life has been for other people. No WONDER everything I have set out to do I could never finish - because it wasn’t something I ever really wanted to do! I just thought it would please other people.

It really is amazing what can happen if you just spend time with yourself. As soon as this realization came into fruition, I saw everything differently. It still is going to take work to let go of the imaginary expectations people have for me, but that’s ok. It’s all a part of the process.

I made a promise to myself that this year I am committing to doing everything for me. I am committing to spending more time with myself so I can really listen and learn more about me. I want to erase any lies I put in my head about what people are thinking about me.

If I want to buy a shirt, I’m buying it because I like it - not because I think people from work will like it. If I want to workout, I’m working out because I want to be stronger and healthier - not because I want to live up to other people’s beauty standards. If I want to quit my job and travel for a year, go back to school, change my career, make friends, drop friends, move in with my boyfriend after 2 months, adopt a cat, dye my hair, record a song - I’m going to do it for me.