Thankful for 2020

For most of the world, 2020 has been the year to introduce new hardships and obstacles, or force them to deal with current/past situations. That year for me was 2019. 2020 has been the answer to my prayers.

Let me explain:

Before March 2019, I was a successful sales woman with a promising future. I was on top of my game, living the life I had always dreamed of. Then during a meeting one Monday morning, that all changed.

March 18, 2019 was the day my little brother was fatally shot in the head. It was early in the morning, and it was done by his friend. No one knows the true story behind what happened... just that my brother was shot and his friend pulled the trigger.

I come from a big family. There are 8 of us kids total. Yet for some reason, losing a sibling never really crossed my mind. Of course this event took my life for a spin. I was uncomfortable with everything in my life because I wasn't comfortable with the new emotions grieving my brother brought.

I began questioning my career. I was a good sales woman, but at the cost of others. I made a big buck while they struggled to feed their families. It was hard to realize, but sales was all I knew. With this mindset, my sales began to drop. I went from the top 3 to the bottom. I began questioning my relationships with other people, family and friends. I cut everyone out to the point where my only companion was my cat Mowgli.

I was alone like that for a few months. It made me embrace the loss of my brother, and accept that because of the loss I was no longer the same person. After embracing that I was hurting, my best friend, Michael, started to come back around. I started to get a grip on what I wanted to do with my life that would help people rather than hurt them. Things were looking up.

We’re now in August. I had moved in with my aunt to help cut expenses down since my finances were suffering at the expense of my career crisis. During the move, Mowgli got out. I didn’t think much of it at the time because he was an outdoor/indoor cat, but he didn’t return home the next day.

Or the next.

Then a week went by and he still wasn’t home.

I started to put out flyers and checked the pound everyday in hopes he’d pop up. One day, I was sitting in my office when I got a call from animal services. An officer had found Mowgli on a busy highway. Unfortunately though, he was hit and didn’t make it.

My heart was broken. I didn’t get to say goodbye because the officers said he was in bad shape. The last time I saw him was the morning I let him out.

And with that, I started the grieving process all over again.

I ended up quitting sales and working in a diner to make ends meet. Around the time Mowgli was hit, I started dating Michael. In October we got an apartment together.

October also brought a new surprise for us. On the 25th, I took a pregnancy test on a small hunch. Well, it came back positive.

Suddenly everything I went through that year didn’t seem so big. I thought that this was finally my break. That I had something positive to look forward to after the awful year I had had. A lighthouse had finally popped up on the horizon after months lost at sea.

November brought morning sickness like I had never seen or heard of it before. I couldn’t get out of bed without my head spinning and making me run for the bathroom. I couldn’t eat without it coming back up. It was such a hard experience to go through, but it brought a lot of support.

After begging and pleading, I finally got nausea medication from my doctor. With my morning sickness under control, I finally had time to daydream and be excited for the little life growing inside me. I started guessing what gender, which I knew it was a girl. Started writing down names I liked, making registries of the necessities and cute clothes I loved. That was until December 23rd.

There’s a little wise tale that says, “Death comes in threes.”

December 23rd I went in for my 12 week appointment. This is the appointment when you get to hear the heartbeat for the first time! My doctor got the little monitor out and she put it up to my stomach and... it was silent. She kept trying different positions and pushing harder. Even told me to go pee to see if that would help.

Still nothing.

I began to panic, and so did she. My appointment was so late in the day that there wasn’t an ultrasound tech to check what was going on, but they did have a traveling device that acted as an ultrasound. She grabbed that and again put the monitor to my stomach. We both watched the screen with anticipation. On the side of a big black spot was a little blue bean. My last appointment that little bean had a small fluttering black spot in the middle of it; the heart.

This time it did not.

The room started to spin. My doctor left the room and another woman came in, examined the screen and then left. My heart knew what was going on, but my ego needed someone to come in and tell me. They did eventually and I began to sob; snot bubbles and all.

My lighthouse had disappeared while I was looking away. I was more lost than before.

After that day, I went into a dark, dark place. My once spunky personality was replaced with a quiet, almost invisible one. Everyone in my life tried to help, and bless their hearts. There was no helping me. At least not from anyone outside of myself.

I was lost. I just wanted everything to stop. I hated how everything around me continued. How bills still needed to be payed, friends kept inviting me out to parties, holidays still happened.. how life just continued when all I wanted was for it to stop. Just for a moment, so I could breath.

And then, almost as if my wish were being granted.. COVID-19 happened.

I know it has brought a lot of heart ache to many people. And my heart goes out to anyone who has lost someone to COVID. I know it’s jumpstarted a lot of mental illness with the shut downs and isolation.

But it was exactly what my heart and soul needed. Just a few months of silence. Calm. Where responsibilities could be placed on hold without any dire consequences. A place for me to heal without being bothered to be who I was before 2019 happened.

When our economy started back up in July, I enrolled in beauty school and began a gig that allowed me to work on my own time and still pay the bills. I started to rediscover who I am, and this time loving myself in the process. My life has been on an incline since COVID, and I’m not sorry about it.

So this year, while so many people aren’t, I am thankful for 2020 and all the crazy it had to offer. I am thankful for the pause and sudden shift in society.

For the chance to breath.