Testing the Limits

Negotiating payment has always been difficult for me, and this time was no different. When my new employer asked me my rate in the middle of last year, I immediately low-balled, convinced that I didn’t deserve the salary that I actually wanted because I am a fairly recent college graduate. Months down the line, I realize how much this decision has cost me in pride and financial stability, and how I let another door to opportunity close.

2020 was the year of uncovering for me, which is admittedly ironic being in the same timeline of physically masking up and becoming increasingly cautious in public. For the first time in my life, I really started exploring my family dynamics, the possibility of being more open with the people in my life, being honest with myself in what I do and don’t want, and really tuning into my ethics. It was difficult, excruciating at times, but those first steps were critical to my growth and the path I want to walk in 2021.

For so much of my life, I have hidden away, from others and also from myself. I continue to find excuses to be small and not take up space, to the detriment of my mental health. From being afraid to befriend a kind coworker to not accepting opportunities that come my way out of low self-esteem and doubt, I have let fear and shame rule my decisions and squash my sense of self. Tired of this continual pressure, in the new year I hope to experience exhilarating, unadulterated joy, which means I must question and cross the boundaries I have set for myself.

Am I really the quiet and shy person that I’ve told myself that I am, or are these just labels I put on to feel safe? Answering this question will involve taking risks that I never thought I could, even pushing myself when I don’t feel quite ready because, truthfully, I’m bound to tell myself that I never will be. Sniffing out and following what I truly love rather than always doing what I think I should will also be vital in this process, as this will lead to what makes me me instead of what I believe I need to be in order to feel accepted. Both of these goals will be action-based—finding the causes, people, and ideologies that are personally meaningful and being candid and vocal about my enthusiasm for them.

I’ve spent an exhausting amount of time and energy trying to snuff out my love for things because I was afraid of the power I felt from my connection with them. Whether a story lit me up and inspired me to write my own or an acquaintance delighted me so much that I wanted to pull them aside for a deeper conversation, I would always find a way to run from that urge, terrified it would burn me in the end. Instead, I intend on nurturing these attractions and seeing what shines through. What if I did ask that more intimate question of my friend, and what if I did explore that new art style? Maybe one day I will even have the courage to show my passions to others, but first I must find that courage with myself.

Shame and fear are strong deterrents, rightfully in their evolutionary roles, but I am tired of allowing these two to define who I am. It is time to actively process what I want to be rather than who these two push me into being. These walls that they have put up appeared concrete at first, but now I’m beginning to see some chipping that reveals their plaster foundation. With time, I think I can break through and create a doorway that allows me to explore outside. It will not be an easy task, but 2020 gave me a chisel that may come in handy. With the help of others and the will I feel to break free, I know I can experience joyous freedom from my self-imposed limitations, even if it’s just one step out of that door.