Stitching my Way To Happiness

I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia when I was twelve years old. In short, Schizophrenia is a long term mental illness that can cause a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion and behavior. It can cause a faulty perception of ones reality and may also inflicted visual and auditory hallucinations. This is my reality.

When I was five years old, my grandma held the hand of a wide eyed, curious girl as she lead me around JoAnn's craft store. It was my first time being there and my main crafting ability at that point was just coloring outside the lines in crayon. I had no idea that stepping into that store would change my life forever. From age five on, I would pick a new craft to try my hand at. Painting, drawing, latch hook... The possibilities were endless. However, when I was diagnosed, all of my creative energy drained out of my body and was replaced by a dark iceburg of meloncholy, depression, anger,sadness and anxiety. As the years passed me by, the iceburg grew and grew and grew until I could no longer see the top.

Although I can't see my grandmother every day like I could when I was growing up, I still keep in close contact with her. I remember recently joking around with her that she needed a hobby other than watching Korean dramas on Netflix and it made my mind wander to all the hobbies I used to have. That sparked a search through old photos of all the things I had created in the past. I remember asking my grandma how I could start up again. After all, it had been so long and the darkness inside my brain just wouldn't allow it. Her advice was this: You have the power inside you. You have all along.

The next day I took a big step... Well, several small steps into Hobby Lobby at least. I was so overwhelmed at first. I just wanted to get out of there so i asked one of the associates for a recommendation. She recommended plastic canvas work. She explained to me how to do it briefly and I gathered the supplies. Once home, I sat down at my computer and began watching how-to videos on youtube. It seemed easy enough so I decided to give it a go. I took my spool of yarn, unraveled a small bit and snipped the end with my scissors. Once the needle was threaded I went to work. My favorite tunes were blasting in my headphones as I slipped the needle into each square, following the pattern that I chose. Each time I pulled the threat through, it was as if the needle was chipping away at the giant block of sadness in my brain. For the first time in nearly thirteen years, I felt like I was completely living in the moment. It was a beautiful thing.

I went to bed that night feeling a sense of relief I hadn't felt in such a long while. For once, my dreams weren't plagued with nightmares and what ifs and I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to start my day. Of course, the feeling didn't last but the second I felt myself slipping, I grabbed my needle and stitched my way back to happiness. Getting into this craft inspired me to go back to therapy, amend broken relationships, take better care of myself and share my creativity with the world. Im in the process of starting my own business now. With just a spool of yarn, a needle, a plastic canvas and a pair of scissors, my hope for the future has been restored.

Stitch by stitch, color by color, pattern by pattern I infused little bits into myself into my work. I've been stitching on plastic canvas for a few months now and although the iceburg of emotions still stands tall, I can see the top now.