Staying small

It seems as though we are all constantly searching for new ways to better ourselves. Everything in life never seems to be enough. When one goal is met, ten new ones have already started. Most people would see this as inspirational because being "ambitious" is considered a good quality. Especially with the rise of social media, so many people are seeing others display their successes and it motivates them to strive for those same results. At what point do we feel fulfilled?

This time around I would like to challenge myself to try something different. My newest "personal growth" mission, I would like to find satisfaction in being exactly where I am rather than focusing of becoming "better". When I see photos of how I used to look, I see a beautiful girl who is happy and healthy but in reality, when those photos where taken I was miserable. Before each outing I would deprive myself of food, spend hours on grooming, crying on the bathroom floor from being so overwhelmed with stress and the profuse feeling that I am behind.

I'm worried about my weight therefore I do not enjoy food as much. Eating food should be indulging in delicious dishes that bring me joy yet all I am thinking about is how many calories is in this? If its salty will I get bloated making me feel fat? How many carbs is in this? Once I finish eating, its gym time. I HATE GYM TIME! For now on, I will not be forcing myself to work out. Instead I should get into the habit of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I love to dance and play sports and kayak and ski, so why am I not incorporating these activities into my daily routine?

I'm worried about my appearance therefore I do not enjoy applying my makeup as a form of self-expression as opposed to the ritual I endure so that others might find me more attractive. Over the years so many hours and thousands of dollars have been wasted on making sure my nails look pretty but not in a way that comes off as unprofessional or silly, that my roots aren't showing because god forbid someone sees my natural hair color coming in, oh an probably the most ridiculous "beauty" investment I have ever mad...Two faced lip plumper. Every morning for years, I have applied lip gloss with the intention of giving myself an allergic reaction so my lips would look slightly fuller for a few hours.

When I learn a new skill or read a new book, I would like to be learning about something I find interesting rather than just going through to motions of trying to retain this information for practical use. We only have so much time in life and so if it does not have a direct impact on my happiness, perhaps this information is unnecessary.

Of course I'm not in a financial position to just up and quit my job however what is the point in working at all if I'm not going to enjoy my time spent off the clock. Too many times I am consumed by the stress of my responsibilities and that is such a waste of life. Unless my work will one day have a substantial affect on society, it is simply not worth thinking about outside of the hours I am being paid to do so.

This year I will be taking a break and I strongly urge that you all do the same. 2020 was a rough year for most of us and for some of us, not even the hardest thus far. We should all just relax and appreciate ourselves for everything we have already accomplished before being concerned about what is next on the agenda.