Slowing Down in 2020

I will preface this by saying it is difficult to revel in one's achievements when so much was lost this past year, but as my therapist would say, I should celebrate small victories. My thoughts go out to everyone who lost a loved one to the pandemic. This isn't a recap of 2020, nobody needs to be subjected to that, but if you're in the mood for that, Netflix's Death to 2020 does a great job at hitting you over the head with all the crazy that took place.

March 16th, 2020 - I'm told we're to shut down the hotel I work at, I'll be out of work for the following three months. During this time I hunkered down at home, only leaving to get groceries and check the mail. My newfound time was dedicated to all the things I couldn't do because I was never home. First up, Final Fantasy VII Remake. Uninterrupted long periods of gaming to save Midgar from the evils of Shinra. Fun, but that didn't last too long, on to my first ever Animal Crossing. For the next month or so I developed a routine of shower, coffee, and countless hours of working around my digital island alongside my anthropomorphic friends. In-game chores would provide me with the structure I lacked from not being able to work IRL. Eventually I would add Final Fantasy XIV to my daily schedule, an MMORPG where I could satisfy my social interactions without leaving my home, as well as having something I could share with my brother. Three expansions later, I could feel us getting closer, talking to each other and opening up -- growth, Chapter 1.

You can breath a sigh of relief that I won't subject you to a list of all the media I consumed in the span of a year. I did however pick up miniature painting to limit my screen time, and along with it a new creative outlet. Catch this 30 year old posting painting time lapses on TikTok-- don't make fun of me, everyone downloaded it ironically and now uses it unironically.

Four months of hobbies & games eventually slowed as it was time to go back to work. The hotel opened back up in July and the influx of non-essential travelers had me in all sorts of negative moods. I dreaded going to work due to the amount of people wanting for 'things to go back to normal' while complaining about our mask guidelines. To paint a better picture, our hotel front desk doubles as a bar, so yours truly is a front desk agent, and a bartender all in one-- and with that, all the people clamoring to be served were the majority of my clientele. The entitlement of every bad tipper known to man was astounding. I was no longer having fun doing what I love most, so I decided to try something new, therapy-- growth, Chapter 2.

Having never experienced therapy as an adult, finding the right therapist was a daunting task. After carefully sifting through a handful of reviews, I found BetterHelp to be the most appropriate choice for what I needed. This isn't an ad but it felt wrong to be vocal about mental health without providing any resources. A series of questionnaires and assessments would ultimately pair me up with my current therapist.

I began online therapy in September and after four months, I can confidently say it has done so much for the way I look at being kind to myself. There was a positive change in my mood and overall reception to the people around me. All this extra time on my own opened up my eyes to years of unresolved insecurities, to put it bluntly in the words of my therapist, "You got tired of your own sh*t." That would be the first of many great lines from him I would immortalize in a small notebook for future reference. This year forced me to slow down long enough to look at myself in the mirror and reflect on who I've been, but more importantly give me a chance to change into who I want to be. Not only was I able to strengthen my relationships with others, but I was forced to tend to the most important relationship of all, the one with myself.

I look back at this year and despite being glad its over, I cant help but appreciate the good that came from being forced to slow down. From better spending habits, healthier home cooked eating, and some plant based alternatives, this year was full of change and rather than being mad at it-- I'm grateful for getting to spend time with myself. Now if people could just wear a mask and be mindful of others, I'd like to be able to eventually attend a concert again in my lifetime.