Present Day Madness

For those of you who do not know me, just know that I am a creative that is trying to make way for myself during all of this mania. I am a small business owner, I am a woman of color, I am a military veteran, I am a writer, I am a poet, I am.....insert something else cool and maybe interesting. At the top of this year, like most of us, I had a plan of attack. I was going to quit the corporate food job that I was currently working because it felt soul sucking, I had made plans to be able to do that transition in a way that was safe to me for me financially and then some things happened - the world as I knew it imploded on itself and I've been on this roller coaster ever since. It started with a series of wild events that prompted me to walk out of my job months before I was going to because I was sick of all of it and it felt like a toxic environment had just boiled over. Then I got crazy sick out of nowhere to the point that I thought I was going to die and I didn't know what this was and more importantly where any of it came from. It was 3 weeks of hell that started as what I thought was a UTI, then possibly a kidney infection, then landed on me shivering and shaking on the couch so hard that my teeth felt like they were going to crack upon sheer impact. I made it out of that though, on the otherside of a disease that is and has been killing people all year. Its terrifying.

When I got the strength to get a grip on all of this, I got back out into the working culinary world....only for myself that is and only because I had no other choice. My cost of living is far too expensive to truly have a legitimate savings, I was granted unemployment for a month only to have it appealed by the company because of all the reasons I left. I say I felt unsafe and pushed to leave, authorities agree and grant it to me for those reasons then they turn around and tell me I should have stayed in unsavory conditions. Then the world starts to riot about the mistreatment and displacement of black and brown people not just in the workplace but in every facet. But I should have stayed. The last time I did that, I left a space with a bruised face that my Mother had to work through to process so no, y'all are wrong on this one. Moving right along though, I got back out into the world, then black businesses started trending, then everyone wanted to book me so April-May-June, I was particularly busy, I was overstressed, I was overworked, I was figuring some things out about myself and my business and I was dying on the inside while doing what I love because for every great, wonderful client, there was one that was draining, making unreasonable requests, not understanding that I'm a private chef and NOT a sit down restaurant. I was questioning my entire being and path. However, there were some fun times in between. July was better, so was August, so was September even though the bookings were dwindling. Not because of what I do, everyone was enjoying the food and everything about how I did service but black business wasn't trending anymore. And one of the things that everyone had told me during that time when it was was that they didn't think the experience was going to be what it was from me. It made me wonder what they're expectations were when everything I do is on the website, on the IG, you can find me and the way I run my brand everywhere.

So, then I hit a new space. As business was slowing down because this virus was still running rampant and the factors of the world were still evolving, I didn't know how to feel about my business and where I was and am growing. This thing is a daily process and it hasn't been easy to survive during this pressing and unpredictable time. And while I'm thinking about that, I'm still going out there doing the things that I love for some people who aren't appreciative at all. It just keeps being draining some days but those are the mornings I get up, I have some ideas and plans so I run with them and try to rejuvenate myself. I haven't even gone into the physical stress and change this has put on my body or the emotional stress this has all put on my relationship. This is my longwinded way of saying that I'm making it day by day and if you can read this, so are you and I guess that's what we all have to do. Every day I'm not happy and some days I'm sadder than the day before but I'm up so I try to remind myself of those things. I try to tap into what I know is important and true about myself and the work that I do and the world I am trying to create. And at least once a day, no matter how I'm feeling about everything else, it seems to be enough.