Poe 'Vices 3

Introducing Poe ‘Vices: Life Advice You Definitely Didn’t Ask For or need.

From chaos gremlin to cosmic counsellor, Poe (The infinite, scream-Beam) is now solving your deepest problems with her signature style: shouting, biting things, and chicken, obvs. Fools.

New column every Friday.

Send your questions. Regret nothing. Eat the chickens.

#CatAdvice #QueerCats #UnderlandChronicles #ChickenTherapy #PoeVices #TheKittyChronicles #Poedivine

RE: Wistful in Washington

Message:

My boss keeps trying to add me to a group chat, but I don’t think I should be on there. They’re talking about some really serious stuff, I don’t think I’ve got the security clearance to see. Also there’s a number on there from some guy from Atlantic…that’s not a state. What should I do?

Poe-plies:

Dear RE: Wistful in Washington,

OKAY. LISTEN. LISTEN TO ME (POE).

THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS ISN’T EVEN A FORK. THIS IS…

GROUP. CHAT. CATASTROPHicy

🚨 SECURITY CLEARANCE???

WHO NEEDS dis??

NOT YOU. NOT ME. NOT THE FRIDGE.

Stick wiv the fridges.

WHAT EVEN IS 'LANTICs?

Likes under water dead willage or somethings.

I heards about it

mamma ones tells mamma two it be good for stories of somefings. But then there was did mothy moth thing and that more 'tresting. SO Iz, me (Poe) chased thats instead so I don't knows nuffins.

Maybe

I BEEN THERE. I THINKs I been there.

Yes I remembers

It smelldid LIKsE OLD SHRIMPs AND LIES. BIG LIesiz!

SUS.

It smells like data leaksis and unpaid interns.

It smells like… cucumbers. ( I bites. For justice.)

SO: WHAT to DO??

Listen to mez (Poe)

I gives you receipts:

First, BITEs GROUP CHAT.

Hard WITH TEETHS

Leave emoji like this 🧠

Then VARMOOSH.

Like mist off a haunted lasagna. oR AFTER i EATS IT.

Next is,

Stirs in REPLIes ALL.

You got say:

“I no exist in this 'mension. Pleases direct all inquiries to ghost of mes. Bye!”

OR maybes

“No cahoonasis here”

Optional signoff:

🐔 Bastards (I likes this bits)

Den,

SEND CHICKEN.

No message. Just chicken.

Even a link to chicken.

presence of chicken and algo'rithim says, like what

De end.

This ways when the fans hits the shit. You iz

1. 1 A ghost
2. 2 Justa chicken delivery services

NO CULPAMABILITY. SEE? yOU KNOWS i IZ WIGHT! yOUS WELCOME!

oH WAITS. nO aLSO...

Start your own group chat.

Add no one.

Post thoughts :

“Eggs have eyes. i SEEN 'DEM. fWEAKY.”

“tHE TOASTERS KNOWS”

Now YOU IS power.

yOU IS 'lantic.

sO FINALLYS..

DO. NOT. BE TRUST. TABS.

Too many open = THEY WATCHES YOU STEALS THE CHICKENS. DIS MEANS NO CHICKENS COZ THEN THEY EATS. One tab. One way onlys. Mores is too much risks of no chickens.

Just open just one, name it “cHICKEN,” and scream

BOTTOM LINES:

gET Outs

🧨ESCAPE THROUGH FLOOR.

📎DISGUISE YOURSELF AS A POWERPOINT.

You don’t need no clearance.

You need peaces.

And chicken. Always chicken.

DEFY THE THREAD.

BITE THE BIN.

NEVER BE NORMAL.

Love and unsecured attachments,

— Poe x

P.S. Security clearances be fake....sEES! aNYONES CAN Be make one. Cats toos. 'Specially twup 'fficials dough. Theyz be special goods at fakes.

So is gravity.

Also: really, no jokes buts who the f*** is “Atlantic”? Bastard?

P.P.P.S. Next week’s topic: My WiFi saw me naked. What now? Maybes.

📧 Send me more confusions: [email protected]

ALso PPS: 🍗 Buy Poes (mez) a Chickens. Pleez

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Mah Catdentials

HI, HIS I’Z POES. I SCREAMS. I BITES. 'ICKLE BIT. ONLY 'ICKLE BIT BITES. I LOVE CHICKEN. I HATE NOT-CHICKENS. I RUNS FAST. I THINKS LOUD. I LICK PLASTIC FOR TRUTH. GIVE ME FRIDGES. LOVE ME. WAIT—NO. WAIT. YES. LOVE CHICKENS. – Poe x