Poe 'vices 2
Meatless in Missouri
Introducing Poe ‘Vices: Life Advice You Definitely Didn’t Ask For or need.
From chaos gremlin to cosmic counsellor, Poe (The infinite, scream-queen) is now solving your deepest problems with her signature style: shouting, biting things, and chicken, obvs.
New column every Friday.
Send your questions. Regret nothing. Eat the chickens.
#CatAdvice #QueerCats #UnderlandChronicles #ChickenTherapy #PoeVices #TheKittyChronicles #Poedivine
RE: Meatless in Missouri
Message
Dear Poe, I’m a vegetarian, which means I don’t eat meat. So your advice to always eat chicken won’t help me. Now that Trump has tanked the economy – I can’t afford to buy eggs or fresh vegetables. What should I do?
Poe-plies:
Dear RE: Meatless in Missouri,
YOUZ WHATS NOWS??
OKAY. LISTEN.
No. ME LISTEN TO ME. (Poe)
YOUZ VEGETARIN?!
You no eats chickens?
Not eat ANY THINGS WITH LEGSES?
MEATSLESS?
WHATS?
My momma 2, she be titless and I iz OK wif thats — but meatlesses?
Weirds.
I means—YOU OKAYs?
Youz got dropped as ickle kitten? ON HEAD?
BUT OKAY. I supposes I respects it.
(That word means “no bites ‘less absolutesly necessary.” Thatz what Momma One says all times. Poe no bitings. No needs.)
BUT STILL.
This big PROBLEM. HUGES.
Trump broked the ‘conomy?
Big Basteward.
Yeah. No ‘prises there.
’Cept thems nuggets tha’ thinks he gonna do good stuffs while eating chickens for frees. And eggsiz.
I blame him when the birds fly aways too. Bastard.
Eggs too spensive. Vegs all dead. #Sads.
The World be all hots and crunchy nows.
Even Fridge Light gone cold.
Dark times.
I SCREAM FOR YOUs, MISSOURI.
BUT NOW. MY ‘DVICES:
🐔 Grow Chickens.
Not for eats. FOR HUGS.
Warm. Feathery. Sometimes screams. Like me.
Emotional Support Poultrys. Good for souls.
🌙 Eat Dweams.
I does it all time. I dweam chickin, then I chewsiz on the red curtainsis.
Me no likes the green ones. Toos geen.
Reds be DELICIOUS.
1% nutrition, 900% transcendence.
🥬 Steal der Salads.
From the humans.
They NEVER notices when greens go missings.
LETTUCE my secret victim.
🔥 Channel der Rage.
You can’t afford veg?
SCREAM AT SKY.
Or the toaster.
Or the neighbour’s dog.
VERY HEALING. ‘Thartic I thinks.
Call uz repwesentatifs.
BUT THEY NO LISNING.
Theys too busys worrying where the humansis be peeing.
LIKE MOWGLIS. He no listens too.
But he don’ts cares where I pisses. Hez not so bads brofer.
😾 If all elses failsiz…
Eat Trumps.
(He bigs likes turkeys. And he not really meats coz meats thatz be pink or nuddy colour.
He fakes meats. Like satsumas. I don’t likes satsumas but you veggie-nungent so I supposes you haz to likes them. Survivals of the kittest)
🟠💩🎺🧠❌
Anywayz.
You no need chickins.
You haz SPITE.
And that be kitty’s best fwend.
You can always lick a rock for calcium. Or iron. Maybe.
Youz be big and strong like ME.
THE SOLUTION IS ALWAYS…
EAT. CHICKENS.
In yous minds. In yous souls.
Chickens.
Paws of Power,
Me (Poe) x
P.S. You want more ‘vices?
Include snacks. Or don’t bothers.
Time is snacks.
-Me (Poe)
🍗 Buy Poes (mez) a Chickens. Pleez
PssST
Mah Catdentials
HI, HIS I’Z POES. I SCREAMS. I BITES. 'ICKLE BIT. ONLY 'ICKLE BIT BITES. I LOVE CHICKEN. I HATE NOT-CHICKENS. I RUNS FAST. I THINKS LOUD. I LICK PLASTIC FOR TRUTH. GIVE ME FRIDGES. LOVE ME. WAIT—NO. WAIT. YES. LOVE CHICKENS. – Poe x
About the Creator
River and Celia in Underland
Mad-hap shenanigans, scrawlings, art and stuff ;)
Poetry Collection, Is this All We Get?
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Comments (6)
Poe gives the best advice
Meatless in Missouri - this could probably become as popular as Sleepless in Seattle! This was completely nuts and I loved every word of it!
Well-wrought as this is, I think it extremely bad advice to eat the orange meat, beacause I'm pretty certain it's spoiled!
Geen! That's how I say green when I'm in a weird mood, lol! I like removing the R and L from words. Like bathroom becomes bathoom, sleepy becomes seepy, you get the gist hahahahahahaha. Anyway, I loveeeeee this and would like to read more!
lmaoooo ok you two... i mean! poe! you lil gremlin 😈 great advice from a wise cat.
What... the... absolute... fucktruck! this was beautifully bonkers and hurt my smiley mouth! hah! i love the bit about chickens!