Please stop drinking!

Dearest Callie,

My friend, I want to tell you about something that happened recently with me. I had a relapse with alcohol over the last couple of months. I believed I could be a moderate drinker, set up all kinds of rules to follow for myself - wine only, no vodka, only on weekends, never at home, not before 5pm, only for social reasons, etc. etc. etc.. I started off ok, but within two weeks, went right back to where I was a year plus ago when I had my alcohol-induced cardiac arrest.

I was lying to my husband and sons, lying to Jen (our mutual BFF), lying to myself about how much I was drinking and the severity of the possible outcome. I was in denial that I had a problem and that the cardiac arrest had been caused by alcohol. Before I knew it, I was starting in the morning and passing out when my husband got home from work so I could hide it from him.

Within a month, I started having symptoms similar to what I had leading up to the cardiac arrest, which I had denied were due to alcohol. Randomly throwing up every few mornings and blaming it on mucous, or gagging every time I brushed my teeth. Having a constant congested cough every morning for a few hours. Not eating much. Fighting with my husband a lot from being so irritable. Severe depression and anxiety, boredom, no motivation, just generally wanting to tune out from everything besides drinking.

One day I had non-stop vomiting and thought it was from too much sun mixed with a medicine I take. It passed and I blew it off, even though my husband was concerned that it looked exactly like the day I ended up in the ER. My mom was here and found out I had been drinking and looked me in the eye and said - you need to stop or you WILL die. She suggested I read "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace - a book that I had given HER a year prior. I defensively told her not to tell me what to do and that I could take care of my issues myself. I literally threw the book at her. But those stuck with me, echoing in my head whenever I took a sip of the poison.

About a week later, my husband left for work at 6:30am and I was alone with little Rory (son #2), and Sean (son #1) was at his dad’s house. My mother had moved away by then. I puked as soon as I got up but thought “no biggie” because this was fairly common in the recent past. Then it wouldn’t stop. I could not hold down a sip of water. It got progressively more frequent and looked exactly like the day I went to the ER. I started bargaining with God (who I don’t even believe in), realizing I may be in trouble. The voice inside my head told me to go to the hospital, but I had Rory and there is a pandemic and I didn’t want my neighbors to find out. I didn’t want to have to tell the doctors I relapsed. I was embarrassed and ashamed and filled with dread.

I kept puking and started to hyperventilate from the effort, feeling numbness in my arms and legs, my toes turned blue from lack of oxygen. I was dizzy. I wanted to text my husband to come help me but he can’t use his phone at work. I couldn’t find his work number to call the office either. I was disoriented and confused and scared. Finally, at 3:30pm, I knew I better do something. I couldn’t even use my fingers right to google the non-emergency police number (thinking I was overreacting if I called 9-1-1).

I remembered that you can push the right side button on an iPhone multiple times and it dials 9-1-1. That is all I could manage to do. When the operator and I were talking I felt like I would pass out. I puked three times in those five minutes on the phone with her. I didn’t know what would happen with Rory if I went to the hospital. The fire trucks and EMTs showed up a few minutes later and poor Rory was so scared. I immediately admitted to them I had a drinking problem and that is what brought this on. My blood pressure was extremely low (for me) at 100/60. Luckily, my neighbor came home at that moment and came to care for Rory. He had to watch me get strapped to a stretcher and loaded into the ambulance. He was scared to death and so was I. Somehow I texted my husband that I was going to the hospital and would be “fine - don’t worry.” But I couldn’t text anymore and I knew he wouldn’t see it for an hour and then would be freaked out. I wrote to him that I loved him and fully admit to being an alcoholic/having an addiction. At that moment, I finally admitted it to myself as well.

When I got to the ER, I was given fluids and anti-nausea meds while they did my bloodwork and checked my heart. Again, I explained my whole history with alcohol and such. Dry heaving the whole time. I didn’t want to admit it all but I knew it was the best way to get the treatment I clearly needed. When the doctor asked about how many drinks I was having every day, I paused, thinking about bending the truth like I usually do with doctors. I nearly cried as I choked out “five big vodka drinks a day.” That may have even been a bit of a reduction because I wasn’t really keeping track.

My heart was a tiny bit off, but not bad, thank goodness. My bloodwork showed extremely low magnesium (which is one thing that can cause cardiac arrest and had something to do with mine before), and elevated liver markers of course. Also severe lack of certain vitamins. So they started giving me all that stuff, too. The nausea just wasn’t subsiding. It was the worst I have ever experienced in my life. They had to be careful because too much of the nausea meds could lead to a seizure in my case. After I was stabilized besides the nausea, they told me they would keep me overnight and I would be going to the detox floor. I was scared to hear that but they explained it was so they could give me meds to help and keep a super close watch on me in case I had a seizure. The doctor also informed me the puking and coughing were likely due to alcoholic gastritis. Again - something I did not know could happen.

A huge police officer showed up and took all my possessions but my phone - even my undies. They almost made me take out my piercings even so I couldn’t harm myself. They let me keep my phone, but it was dead and I couldn’t use my shaky fingers right to text anyhow. The police officer scanned me with a metal detector and I had to sign my rights to self-release away. Then he escorted me while the nurse took me up to the detox floor. Still dry heaving the whole time. I sounded like I was getting an evil spirit exorcised from me - like I was yelling at the top of my lungs - but it was just the dry heaving.

So I stayed overnight mostly just sitting there trying to stop dry heaving, in between nurses coming in and out to check vitals, etc. They finally gave me another nausea med and it subsided at 2:30am. (I had been in the hospital at this point since 4pm, and puking since 6:30am). At this point, they noticed I was having withdrawal tremors so they gave me Atavan for those too.

The next day, I had to(read: got to) talk with a chemical dependency RN and give my whole history of health and important events in my life. It was a relief to have someone listen and not judge, but a lot came up about my traumas and depression. I was told I could go into an outpatient rehab program immediately (via Zoom) and would be assigned a social worker and a psychiatrist. That was a huge relief at this point.

The nurse also asked me if I had blackouts, and I usually would say no because I pictured that meaning an extreme blackout - like passing out in front of everyone at a party, not remembering breaking a window, flashing my boobs, or something like that. I asked her to clarify what she considered a blackout and was surprised to learn I had a lot of them. Not remembering how I got to bed the night before. Forgetting I had sex with my husband. Wondering where all the ice cream I just bought went. Forgetting texts I sent, conversations I had, shows I watched, etc. Turns out those are what they mean when they ask about blackouts. I also had the habit of always taking an adult beverage to bed with me - usually waking up to find it still there in the morning, but feeling like I couldn’t go to bed without it.

After I proved I could eat a few things without puking, I was discharged from the hospital around 4pm.

The next day I felt 100% better physically and totally committed to regaining my sobriety. There was no alcohol in the house and there never will be again. Well, I did find a bottle of vodka I hid when my mom was here and actually poured the whole thing down the drain - something I have NEVER done before.

Over the next few days, I reconnected with my social media sober groups and started listening to my recovery podcasts again. I started the outpatient group therapy a few days later and am so thankful to have that as a support. It is through the hospital and is for people with all kinds of addictions and mood disorders. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, bipolar, alcoholism, self-harm, and so on. I immediately found a personal therapist as well to work on the issues that contributed to me going back to alcohol. I have had zero symptoms of alcoholic gastritis since I got home, as well.

The absolute hardest thing to do was to tell Jen that I had been straight up lying to her for a while. I wondered if our friendship would be over. I knew it was possibly unforgivable. I tinkered with softening the truth, not telling her, etc. But I knew in the end I had to do it. After I answered the basic questions, she told me she needed some time to process and not engage with me. I totally understood that, but man was that painful! My BFF might have to walk away from me. I could hardly face it.

After a week, we were back to talking, thank the gods. She was hurt. It brought up a LOT for her, understandably with her family history. We are healing together and I’m so lucky she is who she is to accept me and understand what addiction really is - even more than I do so far.

I hope you have read this all the way to this point because here is the most important thing I want to relay to you as your friend who cares about you very much.

I am concerned about you. I know you and I share a love of merriment and love our alcohol drinks. I know we also share clinical depression and lots of deep trauma in our lives. Please know - this is not judgement on my part; rather, it is a recognition of patterns that I have gone through and have been very lucky to come out on the other side of.

I know what it’s like to feel alone in this world - even when you are surrounded by friends (or friends from afar), even when you are successful at your job, and even when people tell you how much they care for you. I know what it’s like to fall into the habit of drinking to distract from challenges and boredom and traumatic memories. I really, really do. I know that it’s fairly easy to put on a happy face and make it look like it’s all fun and games - even to yourself. I know how easy it was to deny how much I depended on alcohol to dull the pain and suffering, and to deny how much I was consuming and how often. I also know, from experience of both taking meds while sober and while drinking, the depression meds do NOT work very well when one drinks a lot.

One would think dying twice on an ER table and spending 11 days in a coma, having the doctors tell my family they had no idea if I would make it through and it was moment to moment, being told I should go on the heart transplant list, but since I was a heavy drinker they would not do that for me, and waking up to everyone telling me I can never drink another drop again, I would have “gotten it” and would have realized the severity of my addiction, would have made my children and family and friends a priority without question, and would have believed the doctors and therapists when they told me I had a problem and would die if I went down that road again. I was convinced for over a year that it was true, but was in total denial and really didn’t believe the cardiac arrest was due to alcohol. But it was. That was exactly the cause and the only cause.

Excessive alcohol use robs your body of essential vitamins and electrolytes like magnesium and potassium - the substances that keep your electrical system going, keeping your heart pumping. Not to mention, as we both know, ruins your liver. I knew about the liver stuff, I had no idea about the heart stuff.

Another thing I did not know is how fast the body can go into severe, potentially fatal withdrawal. It can happen within just about 5-10 hours after a last drink. I thought it would take several days before going into withdrawal, and then I thought it would just be like having the flu and the shakes and then it would be fine. I have found out twice now that it is not often like that. It can literally kill you within 5 hours of a last drink. In your sleep even - your heart can just stop. This is not a scare tactic - just the truth that I had not known until recently.

Like you, I was never that drinker that people would think has a problem. I have been a responsible parent, successful business person, involved in my community, good friend, social butterfly, contributor to good causes, etc. I wasn’t sitting around in the same clothes for a week, passed out on the couch all day, not able to hold a job, and so on. And I’m pretty certain you aren’t doing those things either. Other people may not see the signs that I see, because I have been there - very recently - and I can’t NOT say something.

I care about you and I hope you will consider taking an inventory of your alcohol use and consider exploring cutting back and hopefully even consider quitting. I have a lot of resources that I think you’d like and benefit from - modern, non-religious, real-world, data-driven, cuss-word-filled, awesome podcasts and books. I also finally asked for medication to help with cravings and it has made a world of difference with zero side effects. (Naltrexone) There are so many groups you can join to get support and encouragement - even if you just read other people’s stories. Of course, AA is one option and is super accessible. I also know of other groups that take a variety of approaches unrelated and unlike AA. There are so many options these days. I will list a few below.

Please, please know that I am here for you. If you want to chat, cry, vent, complain, ask for help, whatever it is - I am here any time, without any judgement or guilt or shame - just with understanding, encouragement and love. For real.

With love,

Melissa

P.S. I know this may be a difficult thing to hear. I know you may get mad at me or ditch me. I know you may get annoyed or defensive. That is fine - it would be expected. I just want you to know I am coming from a place of deep caring and hope that you will take a look inside and check in honestly with yourself. I would hate to lose our relationship, but I would hate to lose you a lot more.