Phoenix

You’re sorry? YOU’RE SORRY? Is this it? Is this really our life?.... No! You know what!? I am my own person, with my own thoughts! YOU WILL NOT control me anymore! You think you own me! You think I’m nothing without you! You think you’re my only source of life......of existence! You think when the darkness creeps in, you’re my only light!

ENOUGH!!!......

YOU are my DARKNESS! You suck me into your deep, black vortex, only to upchuck me right out and then land flat on my face! Leaving me in deep, broken despair…… But today is the day!

I will rise from the rubble and ash, like the mighty Phoenix! I will overcome you and embrace me for the first time in my life. I will become a warrior! I will narrate my own story and live my own life……

I want to wake up and not wish I was asleep, eternal sleep…… I want to feel the rain, actually feel the rain and smell its earthy tones. Feel the sun shine down on me and no longer pray it burns me alive. Just feel the vitamin D and smile. Feel the rush of red come to my cheeks like a fire hydrant being used for the first time. An EXPLOSION! An explosion of warmth to my skin. An explosion of life into my body. An explosion of blood to my heart and oxygen into my brain. To feel alive again, instead of barely being alive. Feel the light in harmonious balance with the dark. Not the dark and the dark and more DARK!

Today I will love myself regardless of your words! I will breathe freely despite the scars from your knives thrashing my neck. I will stand tall even though you’ve chopped me down to a tiny, minuscule bottom feeder from the depths of the ocean. I will see in full spectrum color so vivid I’ll feel like I'm dreaming again for the first time in, well actually, the first time ever! Today I will pursue what I was told I can’t and I will be who I was told I will never be! The pain is still deep and the scars are, well, scars….. Permanent! But the scars will be my reminder of what I survived and what I will accomplish regardless of you. I choose light and positivity, even when you continue to show me darkness. I choose a boss with passion instead of your mundane, emotional slavery with no value or escape. I can be who I want to be because that’s what I tell myself. I can be exactly who I was meant to be because I no longer feed you, entertain you, let you control me, suffocate me, manipulate me, and gut me like a pig everytime you’re bored or hungry or just need to feel your narcissism at maximum capacity.

I’m FREE! I’m LOVED! I’m TALENTED! I’m CREATIVE! I have WORTH! I’m a BOSS! I’m SUCCESSFUL! I’m GIVING! I’m STRONG! I’m COMPASSIONATE!.....

I’M WHOLE!

I’m everything you said I wouldn’t be and I’m everything you wish you could be. Regardless of my brutal, painful past because of you, I have survived, thrived and feel beyond ALIVE! Thank you for doubting me. Thank you for hurting me. Thank you for the venom you spewed at me daily. Thank you for the emotional turmoil. Thank you for starving me of love, support, and genuine kindness. Thank you for telling me who I am. Thank you for telling me I’m the liar when you couldn’t take accountability for your own actions or filthy words. Thank you for pushing me beyond the breaking point. That point most people, once that far gone, don’t come back from. I thought you were going to kill me but I’m still here. I’m doing the best in my life than I probably would’ve ever done had I not let you happen to me. So I can say thank you. Not the kind of ego rubbing “thank you” your narcissistic being is assuming. More of a screw you for that, but thank you for this and I take the bow and I receive the encore, not you, type of “thank you.” While I can’t forget you or the past, unfortunately you live deep within me, I can forgive, heal, and I have grown exponentially!

Honey, I’ve only just started!

P.S.

Sometimes you have to be your own hero and you just never know who you’re rescuing in the process! God bless us all!

- Christian D. Orr