MY ONLY REGRET

My day started the same as any other day over the past sixteen years. Hearing the sounds of the city waking up as the countless multitudes scurried to their cubicles of life. I managed to arise to another self induced day full of regret and loathing. My life wasn't always as it is now. I can faintly remember coming home to a beautiful family, the palatial retreat, and the sounds of my two year old daughter's feet making the echoing joy that would flood my heart. This lifestyle was expected from a senior partner at the firm I had help start with my best friend from childhood. The vision I had since childhood of what I believed was the ultimate sign of success had taken root and I was bearing the fruit. What else could I ask for , a great career, a loving wife, a healthy child, a beautiful home, and my best friend that I worked with side by side for many years. This was all about to change and I never seen it coming. After all I perceived that I had the perfect life. My life was my joy.

I was full of excitement, we had just closed on a major deal that we had been working on for a little over a year. The money involved was enough that would protect you far into your retirement and provide your children with their college tuition and excess to start their own vision of destiny. I left the office early and rushed home to share the incredible news with my wife. I had been preaching to her for the last year that all of my long hours that included weekends would eventually pay off. My sacrifice of time away from my family had come to an end. Our ship had arrived at the port where only dreams are born. As I raced into the driveway, I remembered thinking this will change our life forever. I ran for the front door and opened it filled with anticipation. I cried out for my wife with no answered response. So I bolted up the stairs skipping every other step with this feeling of triumph. As I entered our bedroom I came face to face with the sight of, not triumph, but of confusion, and betrayal. I rubbed my eyes as if there was a film that had obscured my vision. I immediately became sick in my stomach and my heart was pounding in a way that seemed abnormal. What I was looking at was my joy. The only joy I had ever known. The joy that catapulted me to great heights in life. The joy that had captured my every breath. Now that joy had a turning of purpose and it was disappearing with every ticking second right before my eyes. The emptiness, I will never forget as I looked at the love of life and the mother of my baby girl embraced in the arms of another man in a compromising position. But, it wasn't just any man, it was my best friend, my business partner, and my childhood friend. The sight of that moment has been etched into my memory and has been played over and over like a horror movie to many times to note. Just like that, my joy was gone. Needless to say, I was beside myself and I ran out of the house and have been literally running ever since.

Today I am a man without much conviction and I have lost the definition of value we put on most things. When I ran that day I never looked back. I ran away from it all. I abandoned my wife, my daughter Lilly, my business, my entire life. My heart had been shredded to a point of emptiness. I no longer cared about anything. Not even myself. So for the last sixteen years I have wandered the streets of America. I have watched countless others work their way through life and building their own joy. I do from time to time think about having a place of my own so I can get out of the inclement weather and have a place to shower and rest these weary bones. I am homeless, but by choice. The way I have looked at it for the last sixteen years is, this way nobody can ever still my joy again. That is, until now. I have always had one regret. That regret is leaving my little Lilly. She is eighteen years old now and I know nothing about her. In my mind and in my heart all these years I truly believed she was better off without me. I know now that was a lie. A lie that I swallowed, hook, line, and sinker. I would love to see her and try my best to explain to her my empty reasonings. You may ask, "why the change of mind now?" It's simple. I have met the most caring girl in the world. She reminds me of what my Lilly would have turned out like. She visits me often, almost daily and shares the love from her heart. I have found it comforting the older I get. I sit on the steps of this building everyday and I have for the last couple of years. Strangers have been very gracious and giving to me since I have been here. But, for the most part I am invisible. Except for the few strangers and my new found friend May, I am just someone who is down on their luck or who is an addict of some sort. I never went to a substance of any kind to deal with what has happened in my life, nor do I cast judgement on others who have. For me, it was like, I wanted to be clear enough to determine what I did wrong to allow my joy to be stolen. That's it. Pretty simple. I look forward to my conversations with May. She has brought much light to my life. Maybe it's because we have a similar story. I confessed to her that I have a teenage girl out there about her same age that I haven't seen in many years and would love to see her and maybe rekindle our relationship. She also has opened up about a father she has never met. She doesn't talk to much about it, after all I am the one who is lost and I believe she is on a mission to save my soul. She has helped me with so many things. Daily she brings me food to eat and wants to give me money. I have never once taken money from her. I don't feel right about it, maybe because she has helped me in so many other ways. She has shared her dreams and vision with me and keeps them written down in this little black book that she takes with her everywhere. She calls it her black book of dreams. I feel honored for this sweet young lady to share her thoughts and some of her dreams with me. She has encouraged me to share more with her about rectifying my regrets about Lilly. I have bared my soul with May and have been more open than I have in sixteen years. I guess sooner or later walls need to come down. Because of her display of genuine love and compassion for me I have a renewed passion to see Lilly. My concerns are, I don't want her to see me in this condition and after all I would need to find her. I would need a place to stay and I would need to get a job. If I'm going to see my daughter for the first time in all these years, than I want to have my act together. I haven't had this feeling of excitement and hope inside of me for a very long time. So I started planning what needed to be done and estimating how much money I needed to make it work. I would share my thoughts with May daily and she would give me encouragement and the support I desperately needed to make this encounter happen.

The next day I had this feeling of excited anticipation. It was like the stars had aligned. As I was gazing into the sky pondering my new lease on life May appeared before me and sat down beside me as she has done before, but this time felt different. She had the look of glory on her face and her smile was bigger than ever. She said, "I believe today is going to be the day that will change your life." I said, "I believe you are right." We visited for a little while longer and she said that she was flying back home for a visit and wouldn't be back for awhile and that she hoped I would pursue my dream of seeing Lilly again. I informed her that I was and it was the only thing I could think about. We said our goodbye's and just like that she was gone. After she was gone I looked down by my side and noticed she had forgotten her little black book. I picked it up and noticed there was an envelope inside with my name on it. I opened the envelope and to my surprise there was twenty thousand dollars inside with a note that read, "may all your dreams come true." I was troubled at first thinking this young lady who had befriended me just handed me a large amount of money. That was until I noticed what she had written on the page of the little black book that had been concealing the envelope. It read, "make dreams happen for others that you want to happen for yourself." It occurred to me that by helping me with my dream of reconciliation with my Lilly, she had hope of seeing her father again. I wanted this for her as well, if anyone deserved to have their father back in their life, it was May.

I took advantage of this blessing that May had entrusted me with and located Lilly's whereabouts with the help of a private investigator. Before I could back out I boarded a plane and was on my way to see my daughter for the first time in sixteen years. I no longer looked homeless. I was well dressed and clean shaven and headed down the road in my rental car with thoughts of joy. The ever eluding joy. I had made prearrangements with my ex-wife to see my now eighteen year old Lilly and she was excited as well and said that this would also make Lilly's dreams come true. As I approached the door I had that same excitement as many years before. I knocked on the door and as the door opened, this beautiful young woman stood before me with a smile so bright it would light up the moon. As I looked into her eyes and upon her face I was overjoyed. I was looking at the same person I had countless conversations with over the last few months. It was May. She looked at me and said the best words I have ever heard, she said, "hi daddy." She jumped into my arms as we both began to weep. She said, "daddy I told you dreams come true."

For the rest of my life I would live with the joy that had escaped me in the past and live a fulfilled dream with my Lilly May.