Me and my new life

This post is going to be a hefty one. One where I am being brutally honest with you, and myself.

The last couple of weeks I have been feeling very down on myself. I’ve had some very negative thoughts running through my head. Am I a good mother to my son? Am I providing enough for him? Am I pushing myself to be the best I can be? Am I doing enough for myself? I should be doing more. I should be working more, cleaning more, just doing more. I feel like I need to be doing more and I am not doing enough to provide.

I have always thought that I would be a great mom. And that it was what I was meant to be. And I still think that, I love being a mom and it’s what I want to do with my life. Be a mom and have a few kids and have a happy family. What I was never prepared for was all the doubt that came along with it. And I guess you can never be really prepared for it. It just kinda hits you and you deal with it. To the best of your abilities. At least that’s what I am trying to do.

And every stage is different. That’s what I have found at least. The pregnancy, I wanted to do what was best for my unborn child at every stage. But I got the questions. Was I eating right? Am I eating enough? Am I getting enough water? Am I reading enough to have this kid and will be prepared for when he gets here? Will our space be ready in time for when he comes into this world? And then when he is born, am I feeding him enough? How will I know what he wants when he’s crying? Am I good enough? And with all those doubts, the postpartum depression hits. And I am going to be honest, the postpartum hit me hard. And I thank God every day that I had the support that I did and that the postpartum didn’t hit me as hard as it does some. But I still felt very down on myself and felt that I wasn’t enough for my son and for those around me. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough around the house I was in at the time and I wasn’t doing enough for my partner and I could and should be doing more. But I was reminded by those around me that I just pushed out a baby and that I was enough and that I was doing all that I needed to do.

And now, it’s a whole different set of questions I’m asking myself. Am I getting him outside more? Is he having too much screen time? Am I feeding him enough? Is it healthy? Is he learning what he needs to learn? Do I need to do more for his learning? Am I still doing enough? And I know that I am now. I still have those questions regularly, but I am more confident about who I am as a mother and who I am as a person.

And what I have learned in the last couple years, and in the last few months even, is that I am more than doing enough. I am doing my best and my best is enough. My son is healthy, thriving and doing so well. And I also learned and realized that what I am doing, is what is best for me and for my son. And I am stronger and more powerful than I had ever given myself credit. I’m also a lot happier now than I have ever been in my life. I love being a mom. And yes, I have my bad days and my days where I need to just do nothing and feel like poo. But those days, I take them and I feel all the feelings I need to and then get back out there and give it my all. Because I know I am enough. I am beautiful and I am the best mom I can be for my son. And I remind myself every day of that. And it has helped me so much when I do have my bad day. They have become fewer and farther between. And I am thriving on doing my own thing every day.

I am figuring out who I am again. In my late 20’s I am sorting out my life and finding out who I am again and it feels great. And soooo scary. Figuring out who I am again and what I want from my life and what I want to do. I have so many ideas and so many things I want to do that I’ve always wanted to do but was too scared. It’s still scary, but I’m doing it. I’m writing more, and working on a book I have always wanted to write. And also starting up a craft business that I’ve always wanted to have the time to really dive into it. And I have that time and motivation to do it. At least more motivation and drive to do it now than ever before.

Being in a global pandemic has its drawbacks and it’s good things. I know it’s weird to say. A pandemic has it’s ups. It’s weird writing it. A downside has been that I have been laid off a number of times. And that sucks. But it has given me the time and opportunity to work on the projects I want to work on. And to work on myself. Which has been the upside. And I know the pandemic has hit everyone hard, but I am praying and thinking of everyone who has been having a tough time. I want to help as many people as I possibly can. And to do what’s best for my little family.

Anyways, I hope everyone is having a great day and week. And that I hope you enjoyed reading this today.