"Love yourself"

"You have to love yourself before you can love someone else".

If I had a dollar, or piece of cake for every time I heard this sentence I would either be rich or OD'ing on cake and although I DO agree with this statement I want to address the other side of this where some intense pain exists.

I've been on my own for two full years and have been seeing the value in building the relationship with myself. I used to play the victim tape that told me "you can't be completely alone... blah blah blah" but through meditation, celibacy and some digging I have discovered some very important lessons. Even if I was to find all the amazing things like the perfect partner or whatever, as soon as that honeymoon phase was over, all the shitty difficult feelings I avoid will absolutely return to be dealt with. If I do not deal with these feelings I will then hold my partner or other external things responsible for my healing which is an insane expectation to put on ANYONE. It's never going to happen. This lesson alone has served me with the consequence of loosing people in my life that I wish I hadn't.

Do I think you need to love yourself first before loving someone else? Absolutely. Do I also think that the desperation to be loved comes from a fucking real and valid place and DOES NOT make you less than or weak? YES.

"The wire mother experiment" - A very famous experiment by Harry Harlow on the importance of affection.

" His most famous experiment involved giving young rhesus monkeys a choice between two different "mothers." One was made of soft terrycloth but provided no food. The other was made of wire but provided nourishment from an attached baby bottle.

Harlow removed young monkeys from their natural mothers a few hours after birth and left them to be "raised" by these mother surrogates. The experiment demonstrated that the baby monkeys spent significantly more time with their cloth mother than with their wire mother."

In other words, the infant monkeys went to the wire mother only for food but preferred to spend their time with the soft, comforting cloth mother when they were not eating.3 Harlow concluded that affection was the primary force behind the need for closeness."

Look, if you're as sick as I am of hearing "love yourself first blah blah blah" you're not alone and you are valid. You are not deficient or less than. You didn't have certain needs met as a child and your desperation to be loved COMES FROM A REAL PLACE. Your peers that did have their emotional needs met absolutely had an advantage and your desire to be loved is healthy response to circumstances in your life. Give yourself that validation and move forward with the understanding that this love cannot come from another human or thing. As shitty and as VALID as that is, part of healing is accepting that loss and committing to trying everyday to give yourself that love. Will it feel like being a blind baby learning how to walk with absolutely no help, yes. Is that difficult? Yes. Can you grow, change and heal this wound? Yes! And please let me assure you, you MUST heal this wound if you are to achieve the type of relationship or life you want. You MUST heal this wound in order to heal generations of pain in your lineage - don't keep the cycle alive and be grateful to the generations before you who also tried to heal. If you don't you will do nothing but put this responsibility on a partner who (no matter how great or perfect) will never be able to heal it. Having a partner to lean on and support you in moments of doubt is absolutely okay and necessary for healing but it is not the end all of your suffering.

Ultimately this love must come within. I believe those who have experienced difficult lives are the strongest of souls sent here to help others heal. Give your SOUL credit for the work it must undergo to help the greater good. Most of all, love yourself and DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE WHO SEEM DESPERATE OR SEEM LIKE THEY DO THINGS FOR ATTENTION. They are doing things for attention because they DIDN'T GET THEIR NEEDS MET. If you find yourself judging these people or making yourself seem better I kindly ask you to flip that perspective and be grateful for the needs you DID get met. It comes from a real place and these people "seeking attention" might be mirroring something in your own self back at you....

You are born alone and you die alone - you have no option but to get right with self AND it's valid that this is a more difficult and painful journey for some.

Be grateful and judge less.

Just some cute valentines day thoughts.