Lost in my Thoughts

Every day I wonder and dream about the life I was meant to live. I picture myself in the most vivid places at the most perfect moments, living out my dreams, living care free and without a doubt in the world about where I am or what I'm doing. I miss the feeling of being content with where I was exactly meant to be. I long for that feeling and that place daily. I want to be there one day. Oh how I long to be there so badly.

My dreams seem too big for these small minded, miserable, and hopeless people. I'm sorry to say, but from my own perspective that is what they seem to be. But these are the people that have raised me. These are the ones that have seen me grow, and even helped me become the person I am today...yet they don't truly believe in me. Why must this be?

If only they believed in me so I didn't feel so guilty about believing in myself. I know the power and the gifts that I hold. I was meant to have these gifts to escape the enviornment that I was born in. I feel this guilt because I know one day I will be "better" than them. I will move so far ahead in life that I'll be so far out of their reach. I fear that will hurt their ego, destroy their own self-confidence, and cause them to have an anomosity against me, but that is the last thing I want to see happen. I don't want them to envy me, I don't want them to look at me with jealousy. I want to only inspire and make them proud. But how can you make someone proud if they aren't proud of their own? I want them to stop beating themselves up, so I don't feel guilty when I grow.

I constantly think about how the world percieves me. Is it the same way I percieve myself? I feel so beautiful, so unique, so brillant, so kind, yet small and invisible to the world. Is this how they see me? Why do I constantly think about other's perception of me? I want to stop this madness. I want to stop caring so much & just live the beautiful life I know I'm meant to live. I can't just run away from it all. I have to face it on my own. Yet I question if I have enough strength to do so.

My thoughts are too scattered, and maybe that is my fault. Maybe it's from all the stress I've forgotten how to manage, maybe it's from the short bliss of a hit, or perhaps it's from not understanding how to live on my own. I come from a life that many will never understand. Maybe no one will ever understand, but it's my time to at least attempt to explain who I am. This may be it.