Listening to Iyanla Vanzant's Podcast: You Matter

Man, this is an excellent podcast you guys. My counselor sent it to me, and I am so impressed with it. If you haven't listened to it yet, do yourself a favor and go listen to it now. I'll wait...

...how was it? Great, right? maybe some of you already know that you matter, but I sure don't. I know I am not alone in this, either.

My mothers were crazy as HELL. I thought it was all because of me as well. I mean, they told me it was all my fault. They certainly had almost no reason for their behavior, especially compared to Vanzant's Grandmother's story. I will sadly never have the ability to understand the insanity that raised me. I used to justify what they did to me...for an embarrassingly long amount of time. So long that I passed on the crazy to my daughter. I taught her how to treat me, and all I knew was abuse. I was so worried that I would abuse her, that I never thought I would teach her to treat me badly.

My mother believed that she was responsible for everything good that happened to us, and that my older sister and I were responsible for everything bad. If she was in pain, sad, lonely, or tired it was because I didn't care for her well enough. It was because I was lazy, and should try harder to make her feel better. It was because I didn't love her.

My daughter believes the same thing. If anything even minorly inconveniences her, it's because I did something to cause it. If she feels lonely, it's because I made her lonely. If she falls and I'm not around to prevent it, then I am the one who caused it.

I am the scapegoat of the family. My step-mother used to tease me about that, and I would feel ashamed for thinking I was. I was convinced that, because she was teasing me, it wasn't true and I was just being dramatic. I mean, step-monster made sure to tell me that I was just being a dramatic crybaby and was only throwing a pity party...so at least I know where I got THAT idea.

I found some comfort in the fact that I could make 6+ people feel better about their own lives by putting all of their mistakes, problems, and sins on me. Sure, I didn't think it was kind or fair of them to do this, but, especially in the case of my daughter and sisters, I thought it wasn't fair for THEM to suffer so much. I was just built to handle more suffering, so it was ok.

This was just a really stupid thing to do.

Because I matter.

40 years old and I just now realize this.

These people whose sins I swallowed now all truly believe I am to blame for everything bad in their life. They have all rejected me. Like the literal scapegoats from 600 or so years ago, I was left to wander alone, never again being allowed in civilization again.

Me allowing them to treat me this way did absolutely nothing to help them, but did a great deal if damage to me.

These people who dumped everything bad on my shoulders now have absolutely no idea how to deal with the problems in their life if they can't blame me for them. They are simply incapable of useful self reflection. They have never felt responsible for themselves or their actions before.

This is the reason I have always related the the child in The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas. I always imagined they were out there, happy due to my suffering. But they weren't.

Seeing my own daughter become like my childhood abusers has been worse than a nightmare. I feel like this revelation has actually killed me, but I am somehow still alive and being forced to care for people still. Like some kind of zombie slave.

Ironically, though, I only have myself to blame.

Until now.

The women in my family are on their own now. While I still love them, especially my daughter, with all the pieces of my heart, I can no longer let them dump their crap on me.

Man, are they pissed.

It's not my problem though. If they don't like their lives, they can fix it. They can figure out how. I sure did. The only thing I was taught was how to care for others. Everything else I figured out on my own.

It doesn't matter who raised me or what they did. I matter. How I show up matters. I am amazing. People should be happy with the honor of living and growing with me. What I do and who I spend time with will no longer weigh me down.

They will never stop trying to blame me, I'm sure. All I can do is hold tight to my truth, draw a line in the sand, "stand firm in my no, and for my yes".

Thank you, Iyanla Vanzant