It’s odd to me that I am even writing this, but I feel that in my heart I should.

I apologize if this is too long or maybe even drawn out a bit, but after the events of the pst few days I was under a large amount of stress.

Here I will share to you what was written to a large company that I stumbled upon while trying to find my baby boys a new school for them to attend.

I highly doubt this company will ever read what was sent to them and even if they did, what I wrote out of the emotions that was going through my mind, soul, and body at the time had literally nothing to do with what the company was offering.

There was a text box that has a 30,000 word limit in order for people to explain a financial matter that they had going on in their life, but what I saw was that I had 30,000 words to explain in depth the overwhelming feelings that through writing became tolerable.

This is the literal story that through this platform or another changed my life. Even if no one even reads this, I took a step forward and finally started a journey that might allow me to become the man that I only dream of becoming for not only my boys, but the family that I work so hard to provide for.

Here is that story in the same exact way it was told earlier this evening and from the point of view of the mind state that I was in at that moment. Thank you all who took the time out to read this and I again, forgive me if it isn’t as professional looking as most other writers would have had their stories written.

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Good morning, my name is Blake Bass from Picayune, Mississippi.

I stumbled upon this website while looking into matters concerning my drivers license while attempting to sign up for the company Instacart in order to make some extra money to help with my financial situation.

I don’t have an issue with a specific company although I am in debt at the moment, I do know that a at least one of the lending companies seems to be sending me a late fee statement affecting my credit score even to this day but at this point in time that is the least of my concerns.

The reason I’m reaching out to you is not to complain or give feedback on a particular financial service, but more so to seek out assistance in learning or mentoring of some sort in order to gain more knowledge of a particular subject or subjects that would help me better understand the financial knowledge that I have (although not much) so that I can apply that to my life and current financial situation.

See I’m a deckhand, I work on tug boats from the Mississippi all the way to the Ohio and Illinois River depending on what company, contract, vessel, contract or product in demand that is being assigned at that time. I typically leave out for 28 days at a time living on the vessel itself and then coming back home for 14 days before repeating the process.

I have around five to six years of experience in this industry and my current pay is a daily rate of around $190. To some, especially in the town of Picayune this sounds like a lot of money and maybe at one time I felt the same but over time things just seem to have gotten financially and emotionally draining. Granted I had two boys during this time and the the mother of my two sons and I couldn’t seem to make things work so I did what I thought would be best for the children and walked away before they were old enough for it to hurt them worse than what it already has. That being said, I added an extra $700 in child support that I pay every month, automatically being taken from my pay checks every two weeks. Now I placed myself on child support and even signed the boys up for platinum insurance through blue cross blue shield with the company so that no matter what happened they would be covered in case of an emergency, that was another $500 or so dollars a month added and split into two payments to be taken out of my biweekly pay periods. To most that was an ignorant decision but in my heart I felt like it was the right thing to do regardless of the issues between me and their mother at the end of the day I knew that they would be taken care of.

The $700 along with the $500 or so that was added to my current bills obviously made things worse than they could’ve possibly ever been but as a father I have a responsibility to those children. Let me break my monthly expenses down or at least the main ones:

Child Support: $700

Children’s Insurance: $500

Rental Apartment for two bed, two bath duplex - $675

Average Recent Electric Bill: $190-$240

Spectrum: $120-$160

Wife’s Credit Card No. 1: $30

Wife’s Credit Card No. 2: $35

Average Phone Bill: $220

Personal Credit Card: $15

Car Note: $345

Car Insurance: $400

Total monthly subscriptions for entertainment for around 4 providers: $40-$60

Groceries And Household Supplies: $250-$300

This is the majority if not all of my monthly expenses, I may be missing a few more but my point is that it’s been rough.

The monthly expenses are between $2800-$3000 varying on what is paid or used in that month.

My average monthly pay after taxes is around $3800-$4300 prior to the child support and insurance being taken out. And what’s left is usually spend on items we may be low on, fuel for our vehicle, clothes or items that the kids may need for school or sports and other small things that any of us may need during that month.

I know I’m not left with much and I understand that some of these bills may even be unnecessary but I grew up in poverty and surrounded by a very cruel and toxic amount of people and environments, so even if struggling a little to get by means that my family can live somewhat comfortable then I do my best to ignore the downside of the stress in my end.

My two boys live with their mother and my wife has a son of her own, he is six years old and is goes to a decent school and is in Soccer this year. He comes home cheerful and is learning and growing very fast at the school he attends.

Last year he attended a school where he seemed miserable and seemed like he would never get his school work down, he even failed his kindergarten year, we were under the impression he just wasn’t trying hard enough. We placed him in a better, larger, and more supportive type of school this year and when I saw the change in the way of thinking of this child, the way that he went from misery to excitement and the turnover of his grades…. I was shocked.

I couldn’t believe that an academic part of a child or persons life could have that much of an affect in the individual and thought back on my own journey through school when I was his age all the way up to when I graduated (by the grace of god). I remember the lectures, how nothing was applied to anything we could understand at that time and not caring about anything involving a career choice or finances, where I’d end up later in life, I simply didn’t care and felt just as miserable as that child looked while he attended the previous school.

My two boys who are now two and three and Started their VERY FIRST day of school earlier this week. I was excited because my boys love to learn, they already know how to speak almost like adults, they know their letters, they can count up to 20 if not higher and enjoy showing others what they know and it makes me so proud as a father.

Micah, my oldest had his first day one day earlier than my youngest, Noah. Their mother brought him and he was so excited he couldn’t stand it, I was on the phone while he was getting ready and all he talked about was how he was going to school to learn and show his daddy what he was taught and his brother (who at the time thought he was going as well) was saying the same things and repeating everything with just as much excitement.

So he was dropped off, his brother devastated and had tears in his eyes because he didn’t get to learn that day, I promised him that I’d take them the following day so I could experience their excitement in person.

She picked my oldest up from school and dropped the boys off later that evening. I was tired and had a rough day dealing with other matters but was still excited to hear how his first day went so after a while I asked him and he said in a calm and tiring voice “it was okay daddy”. I was confused so I tried asking him what he had learned waiting on that excitement that I was planning to see on his face… he responded in the same tone as before that he didn’t learn much and didn’t feel like talking about it….

I felt that something was off but figured that he might just have been tired so after we hung out for a while I put them to bed and when getting yo the next morning brought up how excited I was to bring him to school.

His face was the same as it was the day before and told me that he wasn’t going to school today.

Confused again I asked why he didn’t want to go and he said he just didn’t want to, he looked pitiful. All while my youngest is jumping around with the excitement that I was waiting to see from both of them, I was so concerned about my oldest that I missed out completely on my youngest being so ready to go.

I talked him into getting dressed and dropped my youngest off first (they didn’t attend the same schools but both were around the same general area. My youngest was excited until getting out of the vehicle and when the teachers came to get him he shut down and screamed for his daddy. I felt heart broken but thought maybe it’s because it’s his first day, my boys don’t normally act that way but I felt it is a new atmosphere so I could see him feeling out of place. He was at the school several times with his mother during being signed up so it bothered me even more that he acted that way but I let it go.

On the way to drop off my oldest it was quiet, I asked him if he was exited and he just stared out of the window and said again, daddy I’m not going to school today. I almost wanted to cry as I looked at him and how pitiful his face was but again felt like maybe he’s just not feeling well. I told him that he had to go and that I was excited to know what he would learn and he said “okay daddy” and continued to stare out of the window until we pulled up at the school. I got out of the car and walked over to his door to let him out and his facial express never changed, the teachers greeted him and he nodded his head as if he was numb to the world. I know that at this point that he wasn’t upset because he was scared or because of him being nervous. It was because he was completely uncomfortable and knew how his day was going to go before it started.

I gave him a hug and got back in the car confused and heart broken. Their mother picked them up that day and they stayed with her that night so she bright them the following day. She called and told me that she experienced the same exact thing that I had the day before and was just as confused as I was. We were lost. I told her to pick them up from school and that I would try to get them later that evening and attempt to try this one more time the following morning.

So the the next day came and again my oldest in a calm but sad manner said that he wasn’t going to school today. I explained that he had to and instead of arguing just sat down and stared off into space, the youngest also said he wasn’t going but didn’t seem as upset as my oldest was.

I pulled up to my Noah’s (my youngest) school and waited in the woman to walk around to the back of the car to open the door for him, he began nervously trying to open the door for her and once she opened the door herself immediately began balling into tears and talking for his daddy. I was concerned and felt like I wanted to cry, I yelled back and said everything was going to be okay and not to worry.

We drove off and my heart was hurting. Micah (my oldest) still sitting in the back staring out the window emotionless. I looked back and asked him if he liked his school. He calmly said no daddy, the kids are bad and no one listens. I asked if he wanted me to find him a better school, he said no I would rather build my own. I smiled and told him not to worry because I was going to find him a better school soon no matter what I had to do. He finally smiled and told me no, he wanted to use his hammer, his nails, and his pliers to build his own school to learn. I almost broke down realizing that my baby boy was being torn apart, stripped from his happiness and excitement to learn by going to this school yet still sought hope in his mind.

We pulled up at his school and he calmly got out, back to being emotionless and numb to everything around him. I called him to my side of the car and opened my door. I pulled him close and said everything was going to be okay and that daddy was going to find a way to get him into a better school and all he said was “okay daddy” in the same calm and emotionless manner. I drove off angry, upset, and helpless.

I got the names of the schools and did some research once I got home and realized why they seemed to act so off.

This is the school that my youngest Noah is attending:

https://childcarecenter.us/provider_detail/annie_s_kindergarten_and_day_care_picayune_ms

And this is the school that Micah is attending:

https://psdecp.com/programs/head-start-ages-3-4-center-based/

I read over the guidelines and eligibility, these schools are for low income if not poverty level families, children with disabilities, children who were homeless or in foster care…..

My boys are in a school surround by broken children and who’s hearts and minds are so broken from what they’ve been through in their lives that attempting to learn (if the school is even going about it in the correct manner) would be almost impossible for them. They see no joy and judging by the look of not only my son but the other students as well I doubt that they are even given anything to be joyful about.

It broke my heart reading into the schools and replaying the look on my child’s face. I don’t have the finances to out them into something that they deserve and they aren’t old enough to go to the public school that my wife’s son currently attends so as if this moment I’m writing this to you in hopes that somehow by some possibility that there is a chance for you who reading this now or a successful person you may know might have the time and the patience to contact me in order to teach me how to become a better man, show me how to create more value in myself as a person to get a better job or what path that I should take and any tips along the way.

I didn’t right this to complain, or to ask anyone for a handout. I just know that unless I better my situation which alone is possible but may take longer than I’d hope, my boys will be stuck in a place that takes away their creativeness, makes them numb to the joy of leaning new things, ir discourages them in bettering themselves towards their future.

I apologize for such a long story like message but when I saw the chance to write something down, feeling how I feel right now and having 30000 letters to do it, I couldn’t help but try.

Thank you for your time if you took the time to read any of this and I hope that your doing well, have a great day.

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