I Wonder?

Today I dyed my hair. I’ve started to use reverse psychology and laugh when you say things like I’m going through a mid life crisis or I’m loosing the plot. I continue to reply with “now I look like a real bogan aye?”and “doesn’t it just brighten up my soul.” But the truth is, no matter how much people say they are aware of mental illness, they are just simply fucking not.

With an amazing bunch of family and friends who have my back, I make sure that everyday I count myself lucky; but how are they meant to actually help. I can go to them when these thoughts are there but then what are they supposed to do? Tell me everything’s gonna be ok? Like I haven’t been sitting here crying for the third time today trying to convince myself that already?

I wonder if this reverse psychology will work within myself. Kind of like ‘fake it until you make it.’ I dream and wonder if maybe surprise messages would make be believe they are aware of what I’m going through and I’m not alone. I wonder if I had people to randomly tag me in memes on Facebook would help convince me that people do think of me when they see something that makes them giggle. That I do bring happiness. I wonder if the sharing of memories will help me understand I hold that particular spot in their heart. I wonder if I had someone special to me to send me gifts when I’m not well enough to get out of bed would make me feel more loved; even something as small as coming home with my favourite snack or a simple “I missed you with all my heart today”, would convince me I don’t have to remind you to think of me. I wonder if I’ll ever find someone to hold me tight when I don’t think this grieving will ever stop. I wonder if I’m special enough to anyone for them to tell me about their bad days and when they’re feeling down as well so I know they don’t look down on me because... I’m really trying my hardest to be just as strong for you.

I wonder if it’s all the little things.

I know I don’t need your attention 24/7. If I had it my way, I’d be in isolation 100% alone so I didn’t have to burden anyone with this monster I fight every second of every day, but I can’t. Once again I can’t do it on my own. So I wonder if there is someone out there who will just love me. Be there for me. Love all of me.

I’ll tell you one thing, being able to love yourself enough to fall in love with someone else, has got the be the biggest challenge in life so far.