I Want to Grow

I am determined to strive for growth, to develop into someone new, leaving behind this present self. You will not even know who I am or transform into, and you will not be able to talk to me or be a part of my life. She will be free to let go of the memories that once seemed so precious. I imagine her starting a new life where there is no room for you and changing the space she occupied way too long.

As I navigate through the myriad of negative behaviors and obsessions that have plagued my existence in recent years, a profound, universal realization dawns upon me: the temptation that cannot be resisted. Getting away has always been the most appealing idea, perhaps more so in a period of turmoil. However, to persevere one has to fight the need to run away from the difficult situation. This, I did not understand. I foolishly thought that it was possible to confront the extremity of pain and at the same time, escape it. Sounds crazy right, let me explain, This pain was always there, and even to this day, as I type this, the sting of a broken heart carves itself onto my chest, similar to a parasite fed on my vitals. I shiver with the sorrow of my heart that seems to be eaten by a disgusting parasite from within.

By my stupidity, I decided it would be most prudent to run away from this infestation instead of towards them. Thus, I could grow faster and leave this wicked pain behind me at some point. At first, I managed to rely on them. Still, after gaining a few toxic relationships over the years, here I am, years later, with the same heartbreak, as it was at the beginning.

What can one do in terms of pain? I was on my own and read all the standard ‘how to’ pointers and solutions to ease the pain. When those did not work I used techniques that made it worse instead. All the while, I failed to grasp a crucial truth: I was in emergent need of help. No ordinary form of assistance, but the sort of assistance where there are variants who can resist and overcome shame. My efforts were fruitless because I did not submit to this necessity.

The truth was that I had always managed to make myself believe that I was in charge of my feelings. I thought that the books that I read, the stories I was told, and the approaches I learned would be enough. I believed that I could exercise control over my feelings, as I had done over the rest of the details in function or life. But there I was wrong, terribly wrong, and running constantly.

Do you know that bed bugs are capable of producing offspring in minutes and can lay numerous eggs over their lifespan? Itching and hive formation are just among the initial signs. The actual difficulty lies in detecting their presence. An itch is just an itch until months go by, and then suddenly your bed is full of bugs.

Every single move I made in my desperate attempt to flee could be justified. He would only get some relief for a while, but those few moments were paradise to him compared to the suffering he wanted to avoid. I realized that my future would entail more destruction but it felt like there was nothing I could do to change the course of my fate. Getting to the core of the problem was to face something I could not tolerate: a life that contradicted my values and aspirations. Running was my means of maintaining such beliefs and dreams, and the longer I ran the more I avoided acceptance. All that running could not have been for nothing—or, perhaps, for my demise.

For a while, I tricked myself into believing I am not an escapist. I was simply surviving pain, telling myself I would analyze it at a later point. I thought I was correcting the past having power over the present and thus becoming a different person, one who will not be able to be hurt. I wasn’t running – no, this had to be healthier, better. The pain wasn’t the same as before; I was different, so the pain must be different too, right? But the pain remains the same and those who try to avoid it, suffer from it even more. It would; the energy that went into running had to go somewhere. It was a destructive way of dealing with a painful truth and even in periods of sanity, I couldn’t abide by that.

Pain is relentless. It persists regardless of efforts to stifle it with substance abuse, violence, the obsession with work and power, or rage. But pain will always have its way of manifesting itself in one’s life.

When people cannot accept their reality, then they greatly distort it, putting into it everything and nothing at all. It’s your world of no rules, only a heart running in a cycle while your mind flies out the window.

It is to submerge into a black hole and commit other people’s failures over and over without refraining. Even as your mind is rapping at the door impatient to get in, nothing seems more attractive than to hear the buzz in the emptiness. What causes people to stop running? When they will have nothing to fall back on in the line of returns? Not necessarily because the possibilities provide a point of return beyond anything. Individuals cease running when they reach their limit or when God intervenes, which never happened to me.

Women like me had reached their breaking point further down the path than many others. There is no one like me in terms of the frustrations they have faced. It is a cross that you do not wish upon anyone; still, it is best that none in my framing has come close to experiencing. I do wish I had realized things sooner but at least I know it is normal to feel regret when one has experienced, an infestation.

I desire to grow, and even though I might not grow like the desert locusts or like the bed bugs are currently growing, I will grow. When I do, I will count it all joy. They are connected to declare something on the planet’s most important lesson. In the words of John Green, “That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.”