How To Spot Abusive People And Stop Getting Into Toxic Relationships

Despite the desire for love and support, I have managed to achieve the opposite. When it comes to dating, I'm drawn to people who make me work for their love and affirmation. No one can make you feel inferior without their consent.

My relationship history was full of rejection and feeling unworthy of winning love and recognition. Sometimes I feel criticised and undervalued when I look back and wonder what I could have done differently for my partner to love me. I understood that the trauma I experienced as a child played a major role in my relationship decisions. I am a lateral thinker and spend a lot of time reflecting on myself. I often feel that it is all my fault and doubt that it is my fault.

Experiencing trauma as a young child can leave a faulty wiring in the nervous system. Instead of developing secure bonds, trauma, abuse, and neglect can cause the brain to misdevelop.

I grew up with little love and affection and never felt valued by my parents. Children who grow up without consistent care and love learn to deal with it in different ways. They can become hypervigilant to the people and moods around them, and if, for example, they stay with an angry or moody parent, they learn to distance their feelings so that they cannot escape the situation.

This makes it a prime target for toxic partners such as narcissists and other abusive individuals. Trauma as a child can lead to an anxious attachment style or ambivalent attachment style, and this can also affect adult attachment styles. I know for certain that anxious attachment styles have less self-confidence and self-confidence.

Narcissistic types are known to be attracted to codependent and insecure types. The root cause of codependency is the fear of being let down. Co-dependent labour relations are often avoided because of the threat of abandonment. Toxic people do not respond well to more love and attention, and it fuels their abuse.

I knew I had to break this pattern or I would never be happy and loved again or ever be like that again.

I am very adept at spotting the signs of a toxic person. They tend to lack empathy and know how to feign it, at least for the first three to six months when the world revolves around them and not around you. Some people on the autistic spectrum seem to lack empathy, but that is no guarantee, and there is no science behind it, but there are signs to consider.

"My ex found it impossible to put himself in my shoes. He said the right things, but his words never came from the heart.

My ex left me at Heathrow Airport after an unexpected problem with my passport. We had planned to fly to Singapore and then on to Sydney. Considering how I felt, I almost swore and kicked the bag away, but said he had gone with me because he didn't want his birthday to be ruined.

I knew this would be the beginning of many terrible episodes. When I came to him twenty-four hours later, after I had received a new passport, he threw me away for the first time in four weeks.

You focus on your needs, which are unimportant. Your time and needs take precedence over yours. Relationships are compromised regardless of others.

If you confront them with this one-sided dynamic, they will dismiss what you have to say, ignore you, turn the conversation upside down and start playing the victim. They will justify deceiving you by lying about it. When I confronted my ex about his selfishness, he had a breakdown, cried and said: "I know I'm a terrible friend, but I need to stop crying about life and move on. The imbalance between give and take is a sign that the relationship is not the same.

A friend told me that day at lunch that she had seen someone else for the last nine months or so. 'One day I was having lunch with someone and she'd been seeing him for about nine months.

I felt sick, and when I confronted him, he said it was just a light window shopping. I was an idiot because I stayed with him. I have blamed myself for allowing this to continue.

Toxic individuals regard others as objects they use and are used by someone else to get what they want, physically, emotionally, socially or financially.

'One of the things that fascinated me about my ex from the very beginning was how much she wanted to be with me, 'she said. I loved the way I could chase after a relationship or a date the next day, and she called me and said, "At the risk of being too sharp, I wondered if you wanted to come to me tonight. Of course I was flattered, but that's a common sign of a toxic person. I felt replaceable and never felt safe in the relationship.

As soon as you are on the hook, manipulation and control begin. You approach them to gain your affection and trust.

Things may seem subtle at first glance, but there is no overt criticism at all, although it is something to watch out for.

My ex didn't like me watching TV or treating me like a child. He commented on my attitude at the dinner table, the way I talked to friends, the way I cooked and the cleanliness of my house. He was so controlling that he never saw himself as anything else. On the drive in the car I saw the funny side and thank God I had humour to help me because he said "I don't control" and didn't use the word "control" to describe himself. A friend of mine later remarked that it was like saying, "Don't swear.".

Emotional abuse takes place in the absence of criticism, selfishness and controlling behaviour. When I was stone-faced and felt neglected, it triggered childhood trauma to translate those feelings into something good. In fact, it triggered a lot of what made me realise I was in a dysfunctional relationship. Interestingly, this cycle has been associated with childhood trauma and subsequent toxic adult relationships on numerous occasions. Being ignored can be very painful, both emotionally and physically.

I'm clumsy, forgetful and smooth. Nothing is smooth from the start, so I'm always cautious when I'm in a relationship that's fast.

If they lack friends, that's another red flag. My ex-partner had very few friends. He did not seem to understand the value of connections and contact with people when he needed them. This does not happen in every situation, but it is a sign that difficulties are coming.

Toxic people often brag about their achievements and seem to think they have the right to do things better than others. This swagger usually comes from someone who has an uncertain and high standard for himself. He acts more confidently than others and is able to charm others in order to get what he wants from them. I'm not sure what he likes about himself.

My failures in relationships have taught me that the old cliché of self-love is true. From which to explore the world I have built a strong foundation. It builds on the self-confidence of my strengths and weaknesses. I understand why I'm looking for toxic individuals and working on my self-confidence and self-esteem. Instead of planning my life for someone else, I make decisions about what I want to do and what is important to me for the future.

When you focus on what becomes your reality, it affects your quality of life. My inner bully and negative voice always tried to tell me that I was not what I needed to be and was afraid of being alone, but that I had to learn to hide it. I have become more accommodating towards people who make me feel bad about myself. I take more time for people who experience something edifying and inspiring, and focus on inspiring podcasts and videos.

Feeling bad about myself is familiar to me, because I am convinced that childhood traumas have changed my ways of thinking and acting and these feelings become habits over time. The good news is that habits can be changed. We cannot change the past, but we can update our beliefs about what has happened and how we want to see ourselves.

If you like and value yourself, you are less likely to accept abuse from others. If you tend to have healthy boundaries, make sure there are consequences if you violate them. Know that you will not accept what others are doing and let them know if they overshoot the mark.

If they are decent, they will be upset if they hurt you or try to accommodate your needs. When they dismiss your needs and feelings, it tells you all you need to know.