How to Set Boundaries When You’re the “Go-To”

3 years ago I took a personality quiz on 16personalites. The results, to my skeptical surprise, were pretty spot on. To summarize, I was categorized as a “ Logistician” which meant I was a logical, practical thinker. I am honest, direct, responsible; basically everything you would look for in your go-to. Reliable. This is a great trait in someone you would want in your go-to, but being the go-to has been one of the worst things in my life.

I’ve been filled with the anxiety of being a people pleaser; running scenarios through my head about what if I said no and spreading myself so thin that all I’ve managed to do was cross off tasks on someone else's list while mine does nothing but continue to grow. It wasn’t until I started setting boundaries that I started to feel at ease, less consumed with doubt, and began doing things that mattered.

Sometimes you’re the go-to person because you’re fairly knowledgeable in a lot of things or maybe you’re able to comprehend things much easier than others. In my case, I’m both, a double whammy. This has brought me to a conclusion, most times it’s not about dependence, but for convenience. One thing I’ve noticed in people is sometimes they don’t really need you, most times it’s all about convenience. We’ve been conditioned as people to experience things instantaneously and fast. “ I don’t care about the process, I care about the results” Honestly, avoid these people by any means possible. These people see you as a tool to be brought out when needed, instead, a team should be full of people that ask “ can you show me how to do _____?” instead of “ could you do ____ for me?” Remember “ "Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve fed him for a lifetime.”

I recently finished listening to an audiobook by Greg McKeown called Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. In this book, Greg stresses the importance of shaving away the non-essential and getting back to the root meaning of essential, priority. Whether it's your personal life or your career, focus on the things that will make real change and push forward towards your respected goals. Understanding what your goals are, whether they be personal or professional, will give you a clearer map of where your focus should be. So next time someone drops by your desk and asks you to fwd them an email they were on in the first place or your friends ask you to help them move on your first weekend off in a month, ask yourself, is this essential to what I am looking to accomplish at the moment.

This brings me to my final point, the power of “no”. This word is the most powerful word in your arsenal. Any situation that is presented to you that isn’t essential to your goals or overall doesn't make you feel good about yourself shut it down instantly. A lot of people have a fear of what will the other person think or say if I deny them their request; I’m here to tell you, this is not your concern. We need to care for our mental space and our feelings like we do for others. It’s ok to turn down a request that doesn’t serve you and it’s ok to do so without explanation. Sometimes you need to put your foot down.

Being reliable, dependable, “can always count on you” person can be very taxing on one’s mental health. And trust me when you start saying no, you’ll see how others start taking it personal, their feelings are not your responsibility. I’m not telling you to stop helping others altogether, but be mindful of overextending yourself; be mindful of your mental health and be sure to stand your ground. After putting these things in place I took another 16personalities, quiz, and my results came back as a Virtuoso: optimistic, relaxed, spontaneous, and overall more creative. With this new wave of creative energy and mental clarity, I’m starting to feel more like I am moving towards the person I am meant to be and maybe you will too.