How Overthinking Has Led to Positive Changes to My Life in 2021.

What a year, man. A year filled with highs and lows, the highs being peaks of mountains I never even thought I would let myself achieve, and the lows being the depths of some of the most mentally exhausting days and feelings I have ever had. I made a new year's resolution at the beginning of this year, and it was to finally get my drivers license. I did it. Only took 9 months into the year, but I did it. I did not expect myself to even enroll myself in behind the wheel, but I was thankfully pushed by my mother to enroll into it. She told me it would be very beneficial for me and it really was.

For some odd reason, driving was 95% of my stress. It was something I was unusually scared of, and pushed it to the side for over 2 and a half years. Let me address why it was. In 2020 Some early driving experiences ignited this fear. Last year I was driving back home from IKEA on gum spring road with my parents and was doing fine, but then I almost made a wrong lane merge and nearly had someone hit us from behind at the signal. The woman driving was so furious that she got out of her car and was yelling at me, and all I could do was say sorry. She couldn’t do anything else because my dad was sitting shotgun next to me, and he cursed her out and shut her up. After that day I pushed driving away as much as I could.

In November of 2020 there was this one day where I was just not having a great gut feeling. My dad was talking to me and my brother about getting jobs and I was worried because I didn't even feel like applying for a job at the time, but it was mostly because if I get a job, how would I drive there? I talked to my Dad privately in the garage and I began to cry. I just let out some of my feelings, how I was feeling so mentally low and I don’t know how to push myself to go driving. My Dad hugged me and said that we will practice every day together, and wake up early every day. At first I was motivated, but still had this fear inside of me. We did not go driving every day. I actually started to wake up later than usual because I was stressing about driving. Maybe once or twice after he told me that we were gonna establish this routine, I did go driving with him, but only in the parking lot of my high school. This was in November of 2020, and I am writing this in November of 2021. So what has happened now in 2021? A year after I had that small mental breakdown, I now have my drivers license and am employed. Crazy what the span of one year can do to someone. Thankfully it has been positive. 2021 has been one hell of a rollercoaster. But I can say, all the negatives and positives from this year are on me.

I have been fixed on a creative journey of mine for the last 2 years, and probably will continue to embark on this journey for the rest of my life or at least until I feel as if I have fulfilled this destiny. This creative journey is filmmaking and screenwriting. I have been working on my first script since the beginning of 2020. This screenwriting journey has allowed me to have many doors open for me and doors that I am still waiting to open. It is a true passion of mine. A passion I am proud of. Towards the end of 2020, I had submitted my screenplay to various small film festivals and competitions. I ended the year on a positive note when my script became a semi-finalist in the New York Cinematography Awards 'best screenplay' category. It was extremely uplifting. It was and still is an accomplishment I am so proud of. This led me to discover various other film festivals and competitions which were opening in 2021. I had my eyes set and locked on those other competitions, but I did not realize the trouble I would find myself in in the beginning of 2021.

March, 2021. Already rejected from 3 other competitions I submitted to. It was really rough at first, but at the time I did not understand how common it is for people like me to be rejected even with a script as good as I think it is. Fast forward, I was selected in other smaller competitions, and even "won" in some categories. It was another huge spark for me, and I felt like I had just won an Academy Award for 'best screenplay.' But it was only a boost. I eventually discovered the Nicholl Fellowships, which is a screenplay competition and fellowship program held by the Academy itself. I submitted my script and felt great. I did not know that soon I would find myself in some of the most mentally tormenting overthinking times I would ever find myself in. A few weeks later, I was re-reading my script. And I found so many flaws and aspects that I despised about my script. This feeling and response led to what I call the "overthinking extravaganza" period of my 2021. For the longest time I could not sleep or even think about something else. I was so tremendously stressed and worried about my script submission in the Nicholl. "What would this reader think about this?", "What would this reader think about that?" It was absolutely horrible. This period of 2021 was the most unproductive period of the year for me. The stress and worries I had about my script and the flaws of it, overshadowed almost everything I wanted to do. It was Ramadan, and I did not accomplish the tasks I had wanted to do in Ramadan. I was so fixated on the thoughts of what is gonna happen to my script. These thoughts prevented me from completing the Quran like I wanted to. It prevented me from connecting to the almighty in the most holy month. A complete wasted opportunity. This lasted until Early August. Every single day. It was nonstop.

How did it just stop in early August you might ask? That's when I got the result for my submission. I forgot to mention, the Nicholl Fellowships in screenwriting competition receives about 7,000+ submissions per year. It is the largest and most rewarding screenwriting fellowship/competition in the world. Through out the months of my "overthinking extravaganza," I would try to make myself feel better about my flaw filled script by reading other people's experiences with the competition. Some people had the same flaws as I did and even won in the competition. Some people had the same flaws as I did and placed high, and some did not even get notified of where they placed because that's how low their script was placed. Guess what, my script was one of those scripts that did not even receive a statistic in this year's Nicholl Fellowship. All that stress, all that overthinking, it led up to nothing. I felt as if I had wasted so much time, which I did, but I was hit with some relief as well. The relief was that it is over. I do not need to worry about this competition anymore. I did not feel bad about my script because this worrying and contemplating actually led me to understanding the industry so much better. It also led to me discover the power I hold with my script and how much I can improve it. I got no feedback whatsoever for my script, but this relief has allowed me to get back on track with my script and get it to the level that I want it to be on. My script lacked some basic screenplay fundamentals, but is okay! It is all a learning experience at the end of the day. This "overthinking extravaganza" made me learn when and when not to submit scripts and receive feedback. I have discovered other screenplay competitions, but most importantly the feedback and evaluation platforms.

I discovered The Blacklist and how it is an excellent way to get experienced readers to know your script and even give you feedback on how to improve it. I have my eyes set on submitting for evaluation/s. Feedback and the relief of actually seeing someone respond to my script makes me feel so much better, and I have my fingers crossed for a great evaluation.

We can all improve ourselves. This is something many people do not seem to understand. Never be too early or too late. Be just right. Find yourself in a position with confidence and discipline. This is how we succeed in life. On to 2022!