How I found my voice through the art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

I came from a very talented and gifted family. receiving traits such as athleticism as well as the love of arts. I Grew up at church most of my life, My earliest memories are sneaking out of the children's church services and sneaking into dress rehearsals for the churches theatre. My parents don't speak much of it now but they were both talented actors. I fell in love with story telling right in that moment... However I let the opinions of vicious children my age steal my voice box.

I began to believe the stories I longed to tell were of no value. I felt like I didn't belong. I dimmed my light for the longest time. When I was five years old, my mother put me in ballet. I didn't enjoy the idea of being a graceful dainty flower. I didn't want to perform a dance that felt more like conformity than allowing my soul to dance freely. I would nearly pee myself of laughter as a five year old seeing my mom being the only woman in the audience not wearing a dress as well as mouthing words of disappointment in my rebellion of discarding what my ballet instructor told me to do. I never paid attention in rehearsals after all. It was abundantly clear I was not the ballet type.

I began playing soccer. I played for twelve years. I wish I could sit here and tell you how amazing that was... there were definitely silver linings. However, most of my memories are clouded with memories of being outnumbered by young women making it their souls mission to dim my light. to bruise my spirit beyond repair. Most of the challenges I faced as a soccer player were not on the field but on the sidelines. This really changed me as a person. I started to believe that I would be an athlete that never fit in. I eventually quit soccer and put my full attention to acting theatre. I competed with my monologue, and even found out I'm not that terrible of a singer after all. I got to be one of the lead actors in the play footloose, which propelled my passion for story telling even more. I found that it was somehow easier to be myself while simultaneously acting the part of a character. It was an amazing outlet for someone who had been mocked their whole life.

Eventually The teacher began being very cruel, and I refuse to stand by and allow anyone to be a bully. Teacher or not. She knew my talent and that I was a vital part of her plays, but she didn't want to have to feel shame for her wrongdoings and I was the only student brave enough to speak up. I had no choice but to drop drama. Senior year was an empty one. I had spent my whole life playing sports. Being a soccer player was practically seared into my DNA after twelve years of dedicating most of my time towards it. Now not even acting was a hobby I could pursue. One day fate stepped in. I was in Texas after High school trying to figure myself out, feeling as if time kept slipping away from me along with my identity. Who was I really? My uncle In Austin is a world class boxing coach as well as a black belt in Brazilian jiu jitsu. He invited me to a class. I had never heard of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu before. The name alone struck a match inside of me that I to this day have a hard time explaining.

I walked into the jiu jitsu gym, and signed the release form. They showed me the dressing room, and allowed me to try on a gi. Without thinking I walked on the mats and began training. It felt familiar. It was filled with laughter and awkwardness. I never felt so in tune with my body. I didn't know it at the time, but this was not even close to being the last time I trained on the mats. Flash forward to nearly exaclty a year later and I find myself moving back to Albuquerque, NM my home town. I hadn't been athletic that entire year. Being an athlete was no longer a part of my identity. Until one day My dad found 10th Planet ABQ. He would rush home from the gym with a passion in his eyes I had almost forgotten. My mind wandered back to the first time I tried Jiu jitsu in TX. the glow in his face said it all. I was sold and that was when I began my journey. I walked into my first class with all women and my instructor who goes by Nasty Nate Harris. He taught the rolling Kimura. It was the first time I could remember being in the flow state since the first time I had tried it.

It was daunting at first, so many submissions. so many moves. I had no fighting background. no wrestling background. nothing at all to add to my knowledge. I started at ground zero. I began craving the thrill of seeing my instructors demonstrate a technical sequence. I would think to myself " can I really get my body to do that same move?" I would get egotistical thoughts like " do you really think you are talented enough?" or "athletic enough". Nothing but regurgitations of the words I would hear as a young athlete by my fellow team mates. As time went on my training partners at tenth planet continued to have my back, and continued to reassure me that I was valuable and worthy.

Not only did I begin finding my voice. I began to belong, after years and years of being cast out in everything I pursued. Putting myself in those positions each day made the uncomfortable positions in life more bearable. I found myself fearlessly walking to my vehicle at night. I found myself laughing loudly and unapologetically for the first time in years. We were all there to not only master this art, but to master the inner demons in ourselves. The Jiu jitsu mats became a reflective mirror, Showing you where your weaknesses were.

There were low valleys and tall mountaintops. I still am only on the beginning of this journey of not only brazilian jiu jitsu but of life itself. I love to write, I love to create and I love to train. This blog is new to me, but if the documentation of my decay, growth and evolution can be a light to even one persons life. if it can add value to other martial artists or give encouragement to other young women who are casted out of society for breaking gender norms. I can die happy. If you reached the end of this post thank you so very much for your time, And until next time.