How did I get here?
I've been asking myself this for two weeks straight. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that everything is falling apart. The floor beneath me feels nonexistent. I'm falling into confusing and the foundation I worked so hard to build is now in rubbles.
I heard your twenty-somethings were supposed to be a challenge but Dang!.. I guess I didn't expect life to be so cruel, or the city to be so harsh, or for love to come at such a high price.
10 years of working in the service industry at all the best clubs Miami could offer (trust me that sounds more glamorous than what it actually is), sleepless nights of unwanted partying for the sake of making a buck, tarnishing my reputation for the sake of survival, Distancing myself from my family because we lived completely different life styles; those are just a few sacrifices I had to make to live as an independent twenty something year old in this city.
As far as love; Love is abstract here. right when you think you got something special here comes the next best thing ready to take it from you. It's like that here. It's easy to get distracted.
I'm generally a very happy person. usually people come to me for advice or to be cheered up. That's because I haven't always been down on my luck.
I've also had my victories, and still have so much to be grateful for. After years of living with my mother I finally got my own spot; This was huge for me because we had a very toxic relationship. Also the city is expensive and I knew I was going to have to work my back off to maintain myself, and so I did. After 8 Years of working at restaurants and bars I finally got a management position in the nightlife industry with a decent pay rate where I could support myself and live comfortably. I was so grateful for that job. I left the night life and switched over to a corporate position still within the service industry. This new job allowed me to study and get a license to sell homes. This is also a big accomplishment for me; being that I dropped out of everything I studied for.. I finally finished something!
and then BOOM 2020
2020 didn't just come to kill Kobe or to infect the globe with a disgusting virus that also killed many including two loved ones for me, or to shut down the world. 2020 came to mess up my personal life and make me question myself and everything I've worked so hard for. I know I'm not alone in this. I know so many other could probably relate. 2020 took away my job my boyfriend, my house. It all feels like I'm going backwards. putting my whole apartment in a storage unit and moving back in with my mom. damn near 30 and here I am, starting over from scratch... YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!
and again .. How did I get here ? What was it about this awful year that ruined me? Why couldn't I excel in the midst of turbulence? Was it the election? Was it being locked up at home only seeing one face everyday for a year? What didn't I do right that made me lose it all?
I still don't have the answer yet but I'm going to meditate on it, pray on it sleep on it. I tell myself that God has never taken anything away from me and not replaced it with something much better. I'm trying to have patience with myself and embrace the hardships because I know from first hand experience that tough times only made a sharper woman out of me. I wish sometimes wish I had more support but I also know God wont give me a burden I cant handle. All I know is 2021 is coming with some serious blessings because 2020 dragged me through the mudd.
Cheers to this new year and starting over .. Even if I'm still confused on why God pressed the reset button.
About the Creator
Barbara Simo
i just wanna write how i feel.
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