Hope.

Everyone needs an escape don’t they? Whether it’s screaming into the void, crying on your best friend’s shoulder or even drinking away your sorrows.

Now I used to have all of these escapes at one point in my life. I may not have screamed into a void but a pillow certainly did the trick. My best friend may or may not be a psycho and I actually secretly hate them but I can’t get away from them until I can move out. Oh and drinking my sorrows away certainly did help for a short time... until it didn’t and I became an overemotional alcoholic with no friends and a baby on the way. When that happened I knew something definitely did need to change.

Eventually my escape evolved into something much more peaceful, calming, but also downright annoying. My escape was my partner. They were my rock, my comfort, my home. They made the world feel right whenever I was near them. However, life isn’t that kind to me and so reality kicked in eventually and I realised the true destruction my “escape” was.

I have forever been an open book, always let people know my thoughts and feelings, because how is anyone going to know that I’m suffering if I don’t say it? As it turns out, my partner wasn’t fond of this trait of mine. They didn’t like the thought of someone else knowing our business because they like to keep things private. Now I agreed to this, because I knew it made them uncomfortable having people know our issues, but then that made our issues all the more difficult for me to handle.

Sometimes these issues of ours get to a point that I don’t know if we’ll work things out.. or should I say that they wouldn’t want to work things out. So I’m left to sit and ponder for a while, waiting to see if heartbreak is soon to follow. My escape became my torture, because if our issue was so bad that they didn’t want to talk to me much for a while, especially for a couple of days, maybe longer, it meant the one person I could talk to about my partner, was gone. So I’m left suffering in silence, feeling sick to my stomach, completely unaware of the future of my relationship.

Now surely any sane person would say “I don’t want to live like this” and break the relationship off themselves, because no, no one should have to suffer like this. Walking around letting everyone in your life think your relationship is perfect and not hanging on by a tiny thread. It’s exhausting to say the least, but relationships are hard work, and you can’t run at the first sign of trouble otherwise you’ll never get far. I believe this relationship is worth fighting for, and so while I may be suffering, I chose to believe that given some time they’ll come around.

The world thrives off of hope, and I’ll be damned if I let every negative emotion in me allow me to run away from the one person who makes my life whole.