Happy to be Embarrassed

Happy to be Embarrassed by Arthur Ray Parkman Jr.

The year was 1986, I was about 15 back then when I realized what I wanted to be.

I recall it being a late weekend afternoon when I heard it, the gathering of familiar voices outside my second story window in my old neighborhood.

Hip hop, and a crowded circle. Anxious to see what all the drama was about, I grabbed my off-white colored chucks, and hurried downstairs to put them on. I can see the crowd of familiar faces, also faces I have never seen before. As I tie up my chucks and walk over to the circle of people, I asked out loud, “what’s all the ruckus for”? I being tall, it didn’t take me long to spot her, and what I heard was that new thing called “freestyle”, at that point I was forever hooked, I mean the attention that she got, the happiness that the crowd felt, the level of mastery, to rhyme on beat and make it interesting enough to attract such a large crowd, intrigued me. It was at that very moment I said to myself, “this is what I want to do”.

The becoming.

Fast forward, at the age of 19, led me to my first show in front of a major crowd, and that place is the Strand Theater, Boston, Massachusetts.

Back in the early 90s, I’ve worked enough hours to afford a CD burner which was already haywire, taking over and even replacing the cassette tape. I spent over 2 weeks preparing for the show at the Strand Theater. I can’t remember how I got on the roster, but what I do know is, I was feeling butterflies and pins and needles everyday until that show. Countless hours of studying other masters of ceremony, led me to a great idea. Due to my studying, I noticed that a hip hop crowd got bored with several performances of original songs, so instead of me doing a whole song, I did one minute snippets of my original songs which had sound effects in between each song to where I had 5 minutes to perform. I felt by doing that, I can keep the crowd engaged. My show CD was a polished gem with sound effects cuts and scratches, with original beats, including some instrumentals the crowd heard before. I was sure to leave my mark! Finally the day of the show came, I wasn’t nervous anymore because I was filled with excitement, I spent the night before, not practicing but making sure my outfit, was top-notch and well put together. White high top shell toe Adidas, black and white jeans bleached, a white crispy t-shirt, oversized and a black bruins baseball cap. To top it off a nice medium length silver chain, in the style which looks that of a braid, and my silver watch, perfect. When it came to this craft that I’ve embraced, I must say that I’m unlike any other artist, because I felt my content relates a message, while most rhymes were just diss tracks, my rhymes actually sent a message. Please excuse me as a fast forward to the juicy parts. Khalif Williams, my best friend at the time, who is now deceased, was in the driver’s seat, I was in a passenger seat, and Ruben our friend, was in the backseat. After finding parking two blocks down from the event, I could feel my heart racing as we walked from the car to the Strand Theater, where all types of people were everywhere!

In my hand, a printed CD of my music in a clear case and labeled with a marker, my rap name, “Merciless A.X.”, including my phone number just in case I happen to misplace my CD. I guess I was smarter than the average because, Khalif had a copy as well, just in case I lost or damaged the CD.

As we entered the entrance way, there was a table set up, which was a crowd control area for those buying tickets, and performers that are being signed in. Merciless A.X. I’m performing tonight I said.

Imagine how special I felt, when I got my necklace tag with my name that bared the word, “performer”. As we made our way past the check in point, the crowd, the ceiling lights, the excitement, the music inside the hall, was an experience that I’ve dreamed of for a very long time. Walking into the auditorium and seeing the crowd, was an experience of its own. As I was directed to go backstage where all artists were to gather, I left Khalif and Ruben to find their seats. Backstage was full of hand shakes, and hugs as I greeted my fellow performers. They say Boston is small, the reason for that is, almost everyone knows each other from somewhere around the city. It was backstage where I discovered that I would be the fourth group to perform. I handed my music to the coordinator, the coordinator marked a number four on my CD. The first group, went up on stage, then this second, then the third, and now they’re calling my name. I must say I ran out to the stage, like I did this before. I greeted the crowd, I said my shout outs to my boys in the audience, and to all the performers backstage. It was perfect timing when my music started to play, and I started rapping. About a minute and a half into my routine to which my second song clip was playing, is when it happened. The crowd started booing!

As I try not to let that deter me, the boo’s got louder! It was at that time that the DJ cut my music off, and the host came out to deal with the crowd, embarrassed and feeling defeated, it was unbearable to me that I felt my dreams have been crushed. As I returned backstage, where the other artists were hanging out, I can see slight smirks on people’s faces, and even some of the people that shook my hand, and hugged me before I went on stage, treated me as if I had a disease. It was one of the most embarrassing times of my life, where I felt like I didn’t fit in with hip hop anymore. As the next group went out to perform, the host of the show came back stage, to hand me back my CD. The host also took his time, to scold me, in front of everyone saying, “this is a live show, you can’t be lip syncing, that's unfair to everybody else”. “Wow” I said to myself, and a huge sigh of relief came over me. I informed The Host that I was not lip syncing, and asked him to please play my CD. A CD player was backstage and he took my CD and popped it in. When he heard there were no words to My music, his mouth dropped wide open. I gathered my CD, found my friends who were waiting for me outside of the backstage entrance, and I left the venue, with my head held high. We all run into things that embarrasses us, my advice is never quit because failure doesn’t mean defeat, it’s a step towards your goals.

By: Arthur Ray Parkman Jr