From Self-Harm to Self-Love

I never realized how important scissors would become to me. If you had told me some 18 years ago as I began high school that scissors would become a keystone in my day to day functioning for the rest of my life, I’d have called you crazy. Scissors and I used to have a dark, complicated relationship. I used to reach for scissors to hurt myself. I thought if I made myself feel pain, at least I felt something and that must mean I’m still alive and not in hell or purgatory. My family used to need to lock away any and all sharp items in the house. I’m not proud of that portion of my past, but I am proud of how much I fought my way out of that dark, dismal, emotionally stunted place. After intensive therapies over several years, I was able to maintain healthier relationships with not only myself but also with the people in my life, and the items I used to self-harm with.

I originally started college for Fashion Design, which started my [safe] scissor obsession. And while it hasn’t become my career (yet), it has always remained an interest and taught me an incredible skillset. I ended up working in the spa industry for almost a decade and my dedication to scissor maintenance never wavered. I needed teeny tiny scissors to trim eyebrows and normal scissors to cut strips of fabric for waxing. We had to cut facial sponges in half to try and minimize supply costs. Every treatment room had scissors and every person got mad if their scissors took a walk. That was the first time I had experienced from other people, my same level of territorial behavior towards scissors. That made me feel a little less strange.

Today, as I work an at-home desk job, homeschool my kids and run a side business, my scissor enthusiasm is as strong as ever. Our oldest is a special needs kiddo and has 13 appointments every single week, and not all of them are covered by our insurance. I needed to figure out a way to channel my stress in a healthy, creative manner, and hopefully make some additional money to offset the costs of kiddo’s treatments and programs. On an extra crazy note, I began building my business plan, website and stock of items not only in the middle of a pandemic, but while I was on 2 weeks of medical leave from work after abdominal surgery. Don’t worry, I ask myself, “What is wrong with you?” on a pretty regular basis so others don’t have to.

It’s honestly a little ridiculous how many scissors are in our house but I refuse to apologize. Especially since it has helped teach my younglings blade safety from a very early age. I have my sacred fabric scissors that no one but myself can touch. I have a multitude of paper scissors, some kiddo safe for their arts and crafts, and some not kiddo safe for my patterns and sketches. I have yarn scissors for my knitting projects and thread scissors close at hand when I’m sitting at my sewing machine. I’ve lost count of how many seam rippers I have… I even bought a reversible sequin fabric and bought a round blade for only that fabric because it is heavy duty weighted fabric and I didn’t want to sacrifice any of my other dedicated scissors to its gloriousness. If you were to tell me I have too many scissors, I just wouldn’t understand. Plus, I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

I love getting into my creativity zone. There’s candle making where I need to be able to trim the wick down. Opening a fresh batch of soap bases to melt, pour and customize. Finishing a scarf I’ve been knitting. Or cutting the fabric of my next project. For all of this and more, scissors help keep me going. Scissors are the real MVP.

Even now, as I begin planning my hand fasting ceremony to my life partner next year, I cannot live without scissors to make everything a reality. From taking sample fabrics to help inspire my sketches and dream boards. To looking at patterns for not only my dress but the outfits of our children. Designing the cords that will be wrapped around our hands when they are embraced, signifying our unity and commitment. Creating my bouquet and the flowers to symbolize those closest to us. I need scissors every step of the way.

It’s incredible to think that scissors and I were once enemies who could not be left unattended in the same room. And now they are a needed staple in my creative process. I wonder if my self-harm energy had been channeled into more creative ways of self-expression, if my battle out of the darkness would have lasted as long? I am grateful that I failed when attempting suicide so that I could live to be a partner, parent and entrepreneur.