finding passion

All my life I have sought, to do those things that make me happy, however, in this long struggle I have found that very few things actually bring me joy. I had once thought that the energy draining aspects of my hobbies were indicative of nothing more than as one would find in working out, and that at the end of the day, I would feel better, rested almost. That wasn’t the case.

More and more my hobbies drained my eagerness and took a part of my self with them. Its hard to let go of the things that you thought were good. I want to be happy with what I have, and I don’t want to try new things, for fear that it will either be not pleasing, or cost too much time and money to be worth it.

One of the outlets that I used to enjoy was gaming. I’m an avid Xbox enthusiast with hundreds if not thousands of hours across a multitude of titles. However, lately, as in the last few years, finding the energy to just turn on the console is devastating. Is it the longing for an emotion? Or is it that my desires are changing? What is causing this drain? Has it always been there? Have I been too caught up in what gaming represented that I lied to myself?

I certainly still find gaming enjoyable, sometimes. Most games these days simply either don’t hold my attention, or force micro transactions so much that it makes me want to quit. Of course, gaming doesn’t pay the bills, so it’s understandable that it might not be worth the time and energy.

Of course, I have other hobbies, I have enjoyed paintball and airsoft, but its too expensive to play every weekend, so its easy to fall away from it. Your tools fall into disrepair, and the cost to fix is difficult to justify when, it also doesn’t pay the bills.

So I work, and I come home and I stare at the wall wondering, what’s the point of it all? I can tell you this, being a gamer is definitely a part of who I am, I am part of a community of friends who are all mostly there for each other, even though we are often many miles apart. So maybe it’s the people that keep me gaming. Its too much to just game solo, there’s no real reward. I believe I’ve come to understand the difference between artificial contentment, and real satisfaction. Being able to hear the laughter of my friends, and the excitement in their voice when they have accomplished some great quest, is definitely the reward I’m looking for.

Which is why my last hobby, is writing. I’ve only ever really written my stories for my friends; I’ve never even thought that others may be interested to hear about my favorite protagonists. So, when I found this service, I was excited to share with other people, what passion I have for my stories.

I never thought that I would be the best, or even be among the most popular, I was merely hoping to find a community of peers that would enjoy hearing my tales as much as my friends do.

You can imagine my shock, when I found out you could make a little income from publishing stories, I was ecstatic! For the first time, a passion that I have had for decades, and has brought smiles and joy to my friends and family, had the possibility of not costing me more money than I put into it! Sure the vocal+ subscription is a little steep for me, but at least if I could break even, and have a few more people to entertain it would be worth it.

Yet, here I sit, expecting another year to be over and dreading the inevitable cost associated with being a member. Now, I'll be the first to admit, almost a year ago, I entered into one of the big competitions with one of my smaller works, and I am able to say that at least I got an honorable mention and another year of membership as reward.

This year however, I’m not sure I can make it. I know I don’t have a lot of published works, and I certainly do not have the time to publish anything daily, I do have a full-time job, however, I was hoping to have enough to keep writing, I was hoping for some positive feedback loop that I could use to propel my passion onward and upward! I don’t see it happening though, I see a trend of a negative falling-out, spiral into nothingness.

Just as with all my other interests and entertainments, I see it coming to an end. Oh, I will certainly continue writing, but no one will ever know what happens next with Katarina and Demetri. They will never be introduced to the comic trio, Mac, Maggie and murphy. No one will cringe to the sputtering’s of the incompetent king in Gods, king, and countrypeople! And no one will experience another chapter of incarnate. This brings me to a depth of sadness that is deeper than words can express.

And so with this, my final title, I hope and pray, that it reaches someone, and makes them wonder, "I wish I had found him sooner".

As of the time of this writing, I have no plans to return to writing here, if by some miracle, someone sees this and has the wherewithal to speak up, and just tell me that your interested, id be more than happy to continue here, I have until my vocal+ runs out anyway, when it’s done, I won’t be renewing it though.

I'd say its been fun, but in reality it’s been incredibly frustrating, and depressing. So farewell, to my numerous and non-existent readers, your unending joy kept me writing to satiate... no one. May haps I shall find some alternate resting place to bid my yarns,

until then…