Fighter

If you have both your parents, be grateful because that is something to be grateful for.

The beginning of my life started off with me being taken away from my parents.

It has been a constant fight since then.

A fight to survive.

A fight to find my place in this world.

When I was 18, I had just graduated high school and was eager to go on to do something new. I wasn't exactly hanging around the best people. I was tired of my childhood and tired of being around so many people who had no ambition including my own family. No one had ever even been to college. I wanted to move on to better things. My family was so unsupportive of me. I approached my grandmother (whom I lived with, that's a whole other story) about the idea of college and she would wave me off and get irritated with me. I was growing weary and didn't know what to do so I hitched a ride with a girl from school and got papers that they only needed to sign. They refused to sign them and instead my sister decided to play devil's advocate and decided not to be on my side but was on my grandmother's side. No one seemed to care whether I went to college or not. It was clear they did not care for my well being. A reason was probably because the college was about a 30-minute drive from where we lived. I was adopted by boomers (If you are unfamiliar with the term, it is a person born between 1946 and 1964) and most likely no one wanted to drive me and no one wanted to teach me how to learn. No one had a college degree, so they did not understand the importance in education beyond high school I suppose. My older sister on the other hand was given a car and was taught how to drive and was enrolled in the local community college. I even thought maybe we could carpool together, but it was very clear that they did not care whether I went to college. I was growing weary and impatient. I was 18! I’m an adult. I was tired of people not caring about me. These people were my family. They were supposed to be supporting me! I was adopted! I was "chosen". Was I not? Apparently not. Maybe I was adopted just for a check.

So, I came up with a plan. I took the little bit of my money I saved up and did 2 things. My coworkers used to compliment me on my body at this job I used to work at. They all used to tell me I should be a stripper. Well, that was about the only 'positive reinforcement' I ever received as a child so I did what they probably didn't think I would do!

I took the little bit of money I saved up from that job and took the bus from my small town down to Manhattan and then the train to Queens. I found out when this strip club in queens was doing auditions and I went. I was hired the same night and I’ll never forget making $450 my first night. Back when I was 18 (about 10 years ago now), that was the craziest year of my life. I would lug my massive art bag back and forth that carried all kinds of art supplies and big canvas papers all the way from Manhattan to Queens. I would get off on the N, Q or R trains and walk my stuff all the way almost 20 minutes underneath bridges in all kinds of weather with my art supplies in tow & eventually a bag that carried all the outfits I would wear to work. I met this older lady who everyone called 'lady'. She showed me what a money bag was and how to dance. She took me under her wing and seemed to like how new I was to everything. Eventually as I got more comfortable, Lady and I stopped being friends and I realized we were not the same at all.

I went to art school for fashion in hopes of becoming a fashion designer after I decided maybe community college wasn't for me after being denied so many times from my family. I decided to do something different. I wish I had just gone to community college instead because I wound up dropping out after 2 years when I realized it wasn’t for me. I spiraled into a depression and didn’t know how to deal with that. I didn't see a purpose for myself other than with fashion. I felt hopeless. I had no one.

I paid my bills by dancing in clubs. I eventually turned my life around and got back in school, but it wasn’t until years later. I met a great friend who was able to help me along the way, but I definitely did not ever have any help from my family.. and that has been a constant theme in my life. Always trying to figure out things on my own and never being around people who supported me.

I want to say though that for me, what changed my life is when someone I met in the club invited me to church. I had been dabbling in the 'new age' philosophy for some time and it wasn't helping me. I didn't feel I was progressing. I was always going to the crystal shop to purchase a new crystal that never did anything to me. I was constantly spending money on psychics or trying to befriend the ones that worked at the crystal shop and still I was never progressing in my life the way I wanted to. I would keep coming back to this one psychic who worked there, and he would give me these hot pocket answers with no real substance just a lot of noise that sounded like something real. Kind of like a drug dealer to a crack addict was what he was to me. I almost felt like he didn't want me to find the light, like he didn't want me to find the truth that I had been seeking to find so hard. Well, I did find the truth, or the truth found me when I stopped looking for it.

I'm proud to say that I am still a creative person. I've pivoted from fashion, but now some of my creative pursuits are crocheting, writing, diamond dot painting and I also love doing puzzles. I've also really gotten into adult coloring and it's so addicting. I have this one nature adult coloring book that has photos from nature, and you have to do your best to get your colors and shading just like the picture to the left. In the summer, I love to paint with watercolor paints, and I just purchased my first piano keyboard. I plan on learning how to play and to continue to be creative. I guess I still love fashion because I crochet. I just purchased a pattern on Etsy of this sweater with flames coming up from the bottom. It's super beautiful and I can't wait to get started with it.

I plan to use my struggle to benefit others. I would love to create a community center in Philadelphia, PA where I live where all different people from all different backgrounds can get together and have a meeting of the minds. We were never meant to live alone. We were meant for community.

Going to college later than the 'normal age' had definitely made it harder to find community. Covid has made it so hard for people to make connections with other people. I know I can't be the only person who has felt this way. I would love to showcase local artists artwork and have local musicians play on a weekly basis. I would love to also have a coffee, tea and smoothie shop in the center as well and I would love a majority of the proceeds to go to kids aging out of foster care who are adjusting to being an adult and who had no help developing into normal adults the way I didn't get any help. I would also like to create a space for kids to play and have an art studio space for people to come and work on their art. I have a lot of cats, so home isn't exactly the best place to work on an art project. I know how important it is to be able to have a space you can do art in. It can be difficult when you have pets or little ones! Not having parents and some help in life has been rough in the beginning, but with each year it gets easier and easier. The one benefit to not having parents and a supportive family is that I have learned to have grit and that no one is going to hand me something, but that I have to fight for everything I want.

And that is okay because just like Rocky, I have my boxing gloves on.