Facing my reality and my fear

I am looking forward with my life, looking at what my plans really should be. I feel like I have wasted this last year. Yes, I needed time to heal. However, I got stuck in the routine of things. Really, I got stuck in what my life became. I can make a lot of excuses. Living with people who are struggling and don't have goals is hard for anyone. Though I still have to look at myself, and only myself. Taking accountability is the only way that I can improve myself. I have been trying to really see where I went wrong, overcome it and move forward. I know that I have to get myself out of my comfort zone in order to get better.

The thought is terrifying, actually. I'm not sure why I am so afraid. I didn't use to be. I got use to having someone else to count on, I think. Even though when I lived with my ex, I paid almost all the bills on my own. I guess in my head I thought if I couldn't, it would be on him as it was his house. Which might make no sense, as I would never let that happen. I also think that after everything that I went through, I had the confidence just beaten out of me. Somehow believing his bull, and thinking that I can't do it on my own. Logically, I know that makes no sense. I have always believed in myself before. I lived on my own for over 10 years, taking care of myself. So thinking for even a second that I can't is just totally crazy.

I keep thinking, how do I overcome this fear. Overcome this feeling that I might fail. And I realize that you don't. You don't overcome fear. The only way is to try even though you are afraid. Anyone might fail with anything. But the only real failure is to not try at all. I need to at least try, push forward and try to make it work. If I fail, it's not a failure since I tried.

It's also time for me to face some things in my life. My ex wants me to move back in with him. That is when he gets a place again, as he doesn't have one now. That could take another 2 months. I don't see why I have to wait for him. But I also know that it's time for me to face the big question, if I even want to. I wanted to have a conversation in person, a real conversation. He has said that he isn't going to see me any time soon. I get that is my sign. Really I do. It's just that this is so final, that I want to be sure that he understands that. I don't want to have to try to have the same conversation again in a few months. Dragging it on is not healthy, and I don't want that energy in my life. I also feel like I have been putting off making a final decision with him for some time. I'm not sure why. As he is the father to my daughter, there was a small part of me that hoped that he would turn around and be the man that I want him to be. A crazy thought, and logically I know that it won't happen. As long as I didn't make the final decision, there was still hope.

Now it's time to face my reality. To come to terms with where I stand with many people, and what I want for my life. It's time to make some final decisions. No matter how scary that it is. Only great things can come when you get out of your comfort zone.

-T