Emotional Roller Coaster

What do you do when your drunken by your own despair? When loneliness has taken you so far under that drowning in your own sorrow becomes your solitude. What can you do when your running blood seems to be your only peace. Your own personal war cry to fight in a whirlpool of shame. Who can you listen to when your inner voice has become your slayer of hope, and your voice of reason is now your voice of doubt. Your tears, Your screams. All ment to shout, help!

But instead!

Instead you receive judgement and hatred. An unwelcoming plate of fuck you's and fuck your pain. A spit on your sorrows and kick to your hurt. A laugh to your shame and a back turned to your torment.

How are you feeling you ask? Empty is what I feel!

Empty is who've I've become.

Empty of empathy, yet full on my willingness to believe. Believe in hope, believe that tomorrow is better, belief that turns back into loneliness because my cup always pours, yet my cup never receives! Thus! My cup is empty so i am empty,tho my tormentor cup remains full. How can you be selfless, when to regain a full cup you must become selfish . How do you think of you, when pleasing is all you know to do.

If a cycle is not broken then I'll remain broken. And if i remain broken then ill end up dead because death is the only raft to rescue me while i drown from the self doubt that swarms in my head.

Im drowning. Im lost. Im so low .

They say the only way out is up or the only way out is through. Tell me please, where do you go when you cant seem to find a way out. When all your exits are closed. How can you face the pain that's waiting for you when you escape. With fear as my allie how will I be strong enough? Strong enough to not go back?

What will I do now that I've given up on love. Who do you turn into when hate drives his get away car and you jump in willing and freely. Once your free do you and Hate part ways with a "thanks", "that was cool" or is Hate now your friend and you continue life with bitterness as your amor and darkness as your trusty sword.

I used to believe. I used to believe when it's sang "all you really need is love". But love lied! Love tricked! Love deceived! Love betrayed! Love had me thinking that if I loved love hard enough, if I was patient with her long enough. If I weep-ed hard enough, if I trusted love fully, she would love me in return. But loved left. Love hide me away because she was ashamed! All while flaunting lust in my place and calling him by his name. So while I loved love fully and free love became a love that did not choose me. So I now pick up the pieces! Now I plaster the cracks! Now my blood comforts my tears ,now death sits at my teet .

I am angry! I am war! I am hater!Excuse me I hate her!

I am fear.

What can you do when a dream shatters in your front view window? Who do you call when your voice has been muffled by your heartache? Which route do you take when you wake up and realize you are alone. Your love ment nothing and you drown in your own sea of pointless dreams.

Rage!

Burning in my bones!

Rage!

Rage for the wool that's been put of your eyes. All you can do is mince for the snake you so willingly aloud to roam in your garden. The annoyance of the questions that linger in your mind. Questions like" was any of it real"?Remembrance, that painful beauty plays a time when you thought that answered to be true .

Memories loops and spin with no off button in sight. Daydream and night dreams . Hope that if I sleep my dreams equate my reality. HOLD ON TO YOUR REALITY! Tears scream in anguish :Must hold on to your reality!

Yet I wake and its all gone.

My dreams are now my nightmare. My hope is now my fear. Im alone ,so all alone, what was love is no longer here. 

Survey says , A con artist is what you are.

A hoax!

A Coo!

You never really loved me and I hate me for ever laying eyes on you. I should have trusted my gut! I believed in my heart so I stayed for us, for you. When my gut said leave I muted her to listen to the lies you feed my heart ,and now my heart bleeds and it all because of you. .

Your at fault!

And so am I.

Yet you wouldn't let me leave and I bleed to know why . You strung me along until you found someone to fill the void. You tucked me away in the secret folds of your ice chest so you wouldn't be where I am right now.  You allowed your own fear of Loneliness, Your own pot of scared tears. Your own blanket of comfort to make me the sacrifice. My blood shed so that you can now lay up peacefully in another's arms comfort in another's bed! You get to leave scotch free! You walk away with redemption on your back and the shame of your lips against mine hidden in your back pocket. All while im stuck clinging to the driftwood in my mind for survival. As my world stops quaking and my vision becomes clear,  the driftwood reads " I love you Menda, translates to I selfishly liked you alot".  And that glimpse of survival once again forgot! "Thanks for all the love you've given me..NOT"!

What do you do when your last lesson is a crash course in c'est la vie . A blank space in your reality. The outside world says encouragingly "get back up dust yourself off", or my personal favorite, "get over it. Move on". No one seems to understand that your mentally still trying to process where you fail down. The pressure of trying to "move on"  presents itself as depressed in disguised.

But !

You cant UN-press

cause your DE-pressed

all eyes see your live's become a ME-ss

Onlookers say you must PRESS!

Got damnit im STRESSSED!

Still I press! Press on , fight a good fight! While the church says amen, My mental still searches for its central command, What's ment to uplift only weighs you down, added weight on the already overloaded processor. Fake that smile, cant let them see you frown!

Be all you can be!

But What can you be, when all you can be is sad... Sad!...Im so sad. At the base of it all.

Drop the metaphors

hold the verbs......

Sad!

Just so....Very sad!

Sad for me. Sad I couldn't be what she wanted me to be. Sexuality, mentally, formalities,the one for her as it turns out,isn't me.

Sad that once again the winner goes to..... someone else. Sad that my prize is to mop up my own tears.

My constellation prize, a quest for remembrance and a Journey to the soul . Remember that im no stranger to pain. Remember that after the clouds comes the rain.

But!

After the rain comes the sunshine and with the sun comes the joy of being at peace again

namaste!

A person is only a lesson, and a lesson can only be learnt if you live through it. This lesson hurt but it maybe my strongest lesson of all.

A chapter ened-ed is a chapter gained and although it pain's me now, I pray Ill love again.

So to my lesson I bid you adieu , I hope you take solace in me learning to never allow another to hurt me like you hurt me or love me the way you pretended to.

Fuck you!