Do Humans Repeat Their Pain Unaware?

“You are supposed to be my best friend!” Lyla’s anger exploded at the restaurant where they were having lunch, after receiving a text informing her that Katoya’s company couldn’t hire her for the part-time position she wanted.

Jonathan and Dean eased back into their seat, nodding at each other in warnings that say, ‘listen and don’t say a word, unless a noose is around your neck, or a gun is aimed at your head.’

Dropping her fork in her vegetable lasagna, Katoya breathed in and out to calm her rage, then fired back, reminding her, “I told you that I can’t recommend you because you won’t be able to pass their psych test.”

“You could do the psych test, you have a psychology degree,” Lyla argued.

“You think the company is going to allow your friend to give you a psychological test? You are so damn dead to the life you are living, how do you manage to breathe!” Katoya’s long-delayed anger exploded.

“Do I look dead to you?” she fired back.

“When was the last time you saw my Goddaughter, your daughter?” Katoya demands.

She furled and unfurled her brows, counting on her fingers, then said, “She has PTA tomorrow.”

“That was from last Wednesday, and I went!” Katoya notified. Then repeats, “When was the last time you saw your only child?”

“I am busy, I see her when I have the time,” Lyla states.

“You deliberately ignored your only child, and you want me to recommend you to work with children?” Katoya reminds her.

“I am not ignoring her?” she said softly.

“Do you remember our first year in college and Tony cheated on you?” Katoya shoved her back into their past. “Sonia, the woman your mother left you with when you were two, who raised you, was in New York. You told her what happened, and she told everyone. You cried for two weeks and refused to get out of my room,” Katoya reminds her.

She fumes, breathing heavily as the pain returns.

Katoya continues, “When you had your abortion, she told everyone. When he gave you an STI, the entire community knew. “

“I hated her for that!” screeched through her teeth.

“And you swore that when you get out, you will never go back to her. You ranted about how horrible she was as a mother, and you can’t wait to leave forever. Your mother never came back, never helped you, and wasn’t around for anything important in your life. You swore that when you have children, you would be different.”

“But I am different,” she said.

“How?”

Silence roared as she returned to her life in search of answers.

“You haven’t healed from the trauma she and your mother add to your life,” Katoya reminds her.

“How do you know I haven’t healed?” Lyla demands.

“You can’t, if you keep repeating the same hell on your child that your mother did. Your father wanted you, and she had family threatening him, so he backed off. He still pays for your school and education, as Sari’s father does. He, too, wanted his daughter. You did the same thing your mother did. You can’t be kind and loving to your child. The one that grew inside your womb for nine months. The one you gave life to, how are you going to be kind to other children?”

Katoya’s words sent pain into places that she didn’t know she had, and her body shook as pain attacked her from every side.

Dean and Jonathan had to rush to her side to prevent her from falling to the floor.

When composure returned, she said, wiping her eyes, “You are right, my ability to be aware died when my mother, my own mother, couldn’t love me. She has someone raising me who couldn’t love me either. I swear I wasn’t aware that I was repeating a dangerous pattern. Oh God!” She wailed. “She will hate me like I hate my mother!”

“It’s too late for your mother and you. It’s not too late for you and Sari to reconnect. She is only eight, she will be so happy to have you in her life, and she will forgive you for everything. Children are very forgiving, and for this one, I can put in a good word for you,” Katoya encouraged.

She swayed her head in tears, asking life, “How could I be so unaware of the hell I was living and repeating on my child?”

“The pain wasn’t painful enough to stop your heart for you to see hell!” Katoya threw at her.

Being unaware of their actions, choices, and decisions is the most significant cause of the hell raging in our world. Humans act and live without thought, emotion, or feeling for themselves or others, unaware that their decisions have positive and negative influences, consequences, and side effects. Not only for themselves, but also for their generation.

Being aware gives us the power to make better life decisions that will improve our lives and help us live positively. — Annelise Lords