Did I Lose My Lust For Life or Get Lost Along The Way? Over 40 and Starting Over

I don’t often think about age until I am around those in their early 20s. I also wonder if getting older has caused me to lose my steam and enthusiasm for life.

I turned 40 in 2020, a turning point for many of us. Many people I knew realized that they are not invisible and that tragedy can strike anytime, anyone, and anywhere.

No matter your political beliefs about what happened and how it played out, it affected each one of us in some way.

At this point in my life, I had already made a giant leap into the unknown and lived a nomadic life since 2018. I was working a full-time remote job, living all around the world.

It was what I wanted at the time.

I realized I did not want to have a boss; part of why I left the hospital was to be free. Plus, I had always wanted to create my own life, not one that society told me was ¨right¨.

I suppose I was still rebellious about the system, even in my late 30s and even today, since I recently received a new enthusiasm for life.

When I turned 40. I did not even think about my age; it was something I was and did not rule my world, especially because no one ever knew how old I was.

I used it to my advantage, staying in hostels yet feeling like a fraud and wondering if others judged me for staying in a hostel in my 40s. Except why should I feel this way?

There was something inside me that society had drilled into my head: you are too old to live like a backpacker. Yet I did not let that stop me; it was just a nagging sensation.

Then, I was locked down in Argentina for almost a year, lost my job, and knew it was a sign. We all took that year to mean something to us.

I was searching for something, but I didn’t know what. Then, I worked on an off-grid farm in Patagonia and allowed myself to settle inside. At that point, I knew that I wanted to start over.

But that feeling would have to marinate for a while, you know to be certain.

Forty was a good reset point. As I always knew, I did not have to think about what I wanted. Then, I knew I wanted to create an off-grid homestead in Colombia.

However, from 40 to 44, I have been taking baby steps toward this goal. Just because I am starting over after 40 does not mean that it is easy or that I even know how to do it.

Until this week, I felt like I was wandering. I am not, but I had the sensation that I had let my dreams fall, and the spark and lust I once had for life were gone.

I let those around me make decisions, and I started floating beside them, which is not like me at all. Then something happened.

At the school, we have a male puppy named Baki. He is about eight months old, and we knew it was time to neuter him.

So he went to the vet, got neutered, and I thought, good, he will be healed in a week. If it were only that easy, let me preface that July was a very tough and trying month.

Until this point, I thought I had lost my spark for life and my joy of creating, and I was okay with allowing others to tell me I was wrong. It was as if I had taken a backseat in my life, which is not like me.

And then Baki began acting weird.

I mentioned that his incision was red and inflamed, and he was anxious. Of course, I was told he was fine, so the first day, I thought he might be better tomorrow. He was not.

I again voiced my concerns that he needed to go to the vet, and I was told that he was fine; if you want to take him, do it.

I had no idea what to do.

Then I found the vet’s number, messaged them, told them my concerns, and they told me to bring him in. Of course, no one wanted to go with me to the vet, so I had someone order me a tuk-tuk, got the dog, and we went.

Along the way, he peed all over the tuk-tuk and on me.

Once I arrived at the vet, I was already anxious since the dog was anxious, and then I had to communicate with them in Spanish about what was wrong.

Luckily, many medical terms are Latin-based and translate nicely to Spanish and English.

I told them what happened; they looked and agreed that he had an infection. They treated him, and I brought him back.

That evening, he was already acting better. He was on a few more medications for an infection and swelling, so I took care of him, and yesterday, I removed his cone of shame.

He is completely healed.

I also gained some self-confidence in my Spanish that day.

The vet and the vet tech told me that most foreigners use Google Translate to communicate, and I did not. I did not need Google Translate; I was just a ball of nerves.

The story might not make sense of how this has to do with starting over (at any age), but for me, over 40, it was a reminder that my intuition is never wrong.

Lately, I have been ignoring it because I have been trying to keep the peace, not be the foreigner who wants to disturb how they do things.

That has ended.

I no longer care if I disrupt the peace because my not disrupting the peace disrupts my peace.

So, sometimes, when you start over, you question yourself.

Are you doing the right thing?

Should you let someone else take the reins, I say hell no. Never let anyone else drive your horse and buggy.

I also stopped looking for farms because I am content here.

This week, I began looking again. There is a part of Colombia that I want to explore, and I have a feeling that it is going to be the place I want to move to.

Being in a new country, I thought I had to play by their rules, which legally, yes, but intuitively, no. Right is right, and wrong is wrong, anywhere you go. I will never again allow the complacency to take over me.

Just because I am somewhere else does not mean I allow my intuition to fall by the wayside when I know in my heart what to do. So, I have been speaking up more and doing what I want.

For the past few months, I wondered if I had lost my spark in life, and after this week, I realized I am just as headstrong as ever.

I think too many videos were popping up on my feed of women over 40 needing to be XYZ, and it affected me for some reason. Mainly because the world seems to have lost its damn mind and has decided to point the finger at us single, childless over 40s as the reason it is not.

The world is in chaos because so many of us sit back, allow things to happen, and be passive vs. an active part of our lives.

If we all focus on living our lives to the fullest and being happy with what we have instead of always seeking happiness externally, the world would be much better.

By default, there would be more happy people around; joy and happiness are infectious.

So, starting over in a new country over 40 has been challenging because I began questioning myself. After this week, it will not happen again, or at least I will be more conscious of what is happening around me and if it is what I desire or someone else.

Don’t worry. I understand compromise, but I will not allow it to compromise me.

A delicate balance, the running theme in my life, is how to not lose myself in someone or someplace while still honoring my needs and those around me.

In case you are wondering how Baki is today, happy.

Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got — Janis Joplin

XOXO

S